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I didn't know she was dying. No one told me. Now that I have done some reading on it she had the symptoms. Quit eating, her body temp was 93. Her blood pressure was very low, sometimes 64/40 and her heart rate was high sometimes to 112. But it varied very quickly. One second it was 90 and the next second it would be over 100. I thought she was just having BP issues and would get better with meds. But then I saw that greyish glaze over her eyes and thought it looked strange.
Can someone tell me what was happening, especially with her eyes? a day or two before she died, she lifted up her hand towards the ceiling like she was seeing something. She wasn't able to talk at the time, so I didn't ask her what she was doing. Why didn't I see what was happening? It never occurred to me she was dying! Why didn't I see that? And what's with the grayish glaze over her eyes? She passed 8 days ago. I miss her terribly.

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As an RN for my entire career I saw many patients die. There is not so much a color change as there is a lack of "light" that seems to be a lack of "movement" that we recognize as a person engaged with what is happening. I have, as a result of these many years and experiences, no fear whatsoever of death and dying. I DO fear living, and pain, but not death. I think that they go "somewhere else" , and that it is almost a dream state. In ancient times they called it "turning the face to the wall" meaning that they stop engaging with the living, which is SO HARD on the living. They go to some dream state, almost like a drugged state, someplace, some realm. It has left me thinking that when we die it is "our last GREAT adventure". I truly believe this.
Think back. Remember when you were a kid, and you were transported in the back seat of the car with your parents gently talking, almost a mumble in the front seat, while you drifted closer and closer to sleep, warm and safe and in a perfect fugue.
I believe that's where they are. And yes, their eyes looks to us "vacant". We cannot get them back to us. They are leaving, and are somewhere else. I will tell you I am an atheist. Or at the least an agnostic. I don't believe in anything until you show me, as far as an afterlife. And I DO believe that the dying process, when it can be without agony (and usually it is at the end) is something special. But we cannot contact them then, cannot ask them what it is. We have to wait and see.
Please try to rest easy. I do not believe, after many years as a nurse, I will never believe that dying is a negative experience. In fact I think it may be the experience of a lifetime.
You needn't miss her. She is with you always. I am 78. My much loved parents passed so many years ago. And still.....while I live.....they are with me.
Much love out to you.
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MoJoHo Mar 2020
Thank you for your most interesting reply. It is food for thought from someone with experience on this subject.
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I am so sorry for your loss.

I hope in time you can process this sudden passing & enjoy the good memories.

Please don't feel you should have known :( unless you are a trained palliative care nurse or hospice aide, how could you know these things?

I found this older article:

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/someone-near-death-eyes-change-157085.htm

It seems this has been observed by others. I hope this helps ((Hugs))
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MoJoHo Mar 2020
Thank you! I will read that.
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I’m so sorry for your loss. Of course you are grieving for your mom. Was she in a nursing home or hospital?

I don’t know what caused her eyes to change. Maybe others will know.
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MoJoHo Mar 2020
She was in the ICU in the hospital.
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