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I know this is a terrible thought and I feel horrible to even think this way but here it goes..... I have been living with my mom for 3 years. Prior to my living with my mom she was still able to live alone and be independent. She was still driving and managing her affairs; however, my only other sibling who lived 15 minutes away was able to help if needed. Luckily, there were only a handful of mostly outpatient hospitalizations over those 5 years. I lived 3 states away and was still working full time so it was more complicated for me to help during that period. In early 2018 I resigned from my position at 56 and decided to move in to help my mom. I rented out my home and found my role quickly becoming one more of necessity. In 2019 she lost her driver's license and her medical conditions required more attention and her short term memory began to decline. Now 3 years in to living together I finally was able to have her agree to come to my home. I see that her ability to live alone is highly unlikely and I have established all her doctors and specialists here. I really have no issue being her full time caregiver as we live well together. So.... Here is my feeling of how my mom has entered her desires into her will. Just the thought of losing my mom is more than I can bear as we are very close. My mom has placed me as her durable POA and her will distribution is 50/50. Personally, I feel it's unfair because I am her full time caregiver and my role is 100% of the care of our mom. Whereas, my sibling has made it perfectly clear that there will be no help in mom's care. I feel so bad even thinking about this but it does bother me or else I wouldn't be thinking about it. Any thoughts of how others may have had these feelings and how they dealt with them is appreciated?

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Speaking from someone who just lost her Mom. I say just this... today you have a smile ,a hug, a conversation...is that payment? It was when Mom cared for you. And I'm sure she cherish that time.
Your sibling is not taking that time for whatever reason and in the end they will have lost the time , the memories, the love. No amount of money will bring that back.
I would give anything to have just one more day with my Mom!
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cwillie Mar 19, 2021
That is a straw man argument, the love we have for a parent has no bearing on fair compensation for work and sacrifice (not to mention time, love and memories won't pay the bills for a daughter who has given up paid employment in order to be a caregiver)
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You will be using her funds to care for her and unless she has a large estate, the odds are that there won't be much left.
If you are on an account with her as a co owner of the account and not just with the POA authority. you, as the surviving owner of the account, will get the whole amount of the account regardless if the will says otherwise. TOD accounts go directly to the beneficiaries, as do life insurance accounts.

Don't go through life with resentment because your Mom wants to give her children her effects. It isn't worth it and no matter how difficult it gets, there is a certain type of reward that you receive from caregiving that your siblings will never understand.
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Reply to Cashew
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This is of course something that you should be discussing with your mother, not with us. First question is whether or not your mother is mentally competent to change the will. If so, then yes, I absolutely agree with you.
Option two is that you have instead a care contract. That is to say that your mother pays you for her food, her items of living, and your time and help. This "care plan" needs to be worked out in an attorney office with your (competent) Mom and yourself.
I would not hesitate to discuss this with your mother. If you are taking on her care it is necessary that these funds not be "gifted to you" as she may at some point need more care than you can provide and may need to qualify for medicaid help. You say your mother has made you POA. Do understand that this holds only for these years she is alive; if there is a sister I would be certain your record keeping of costs in thorough and meticulous, something required of a POA as he/she is a Fiduciary. Then the will will have an Executor stipulated. That may be you as well.
Do discuss this with your Mother. This isn't a question of who loves who the most. It is a question of care. Time to separate out the emotional from the hard facts of financial life. You will be giving up a lot and doing a lot, more and more in fact.
Wishing you the best.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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You need to be compensated by Mum while she is alive. Whatever is left once she has died is then divied up according to her Will.
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My mom has divided her very small estate up equally among the 5 living siblings, even tho my YS borrowed $70K and was forgiven of the debt and reinstated in the will. I believe she paid back about $10K.

Mother has lived in an apt, attached to YB's home for the last 25 years. He CHOSE this arrangement, and has suffered for his 'kindness' as she has come to lean on him very heavily and his marriage and family life have suffered.

Is it fair for him to inherit the same amount as YS who kind of dragged mom and dad into semi-poverty with her lifestyle choices? No, not at all.

I have done more than any one other than YB to help out. I am not going to keep MY 1/5th, it's all going to YB who has really carried the lion's share. I know OS is giving her share to him also.

I know mom is just trying to make it look all 'equal' and that's a nice thought, but us kids all feel that everything should go to YB.

On another note: My DH is his mother's executor, but has been cut out of her will, so he has to do all this crappy stuff after she dies and will inherit nothing.

Rarely do I see people's estates divvied up in a way that SOMEBODY isn't hurt or angry. DH and I just hope to get through his mom's estate with dignity and not be angry at her. She doesn't OWE him a cent, just, making him do all the work involved kind of stinks.
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XenaJada Mar 19, 2021
DH can always refuse the executor job. I would!
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I'm coming back to add that as POA I was able to set up a monthly payment plan, of course it helped that my family was grateful for the care I gave and thought I should be paid more than I allowed myself.
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Your mom has done what most parents of 2 children would do,(myself included) and that's divide her assets equally. I'm sure her thought process at the time wasn't, well if one daughter does more than the other, perhaps then I should leave that one more, but instead she, like all good parents, didn't pick favorites and decided to do what was fair and right. You have to remember that you are the one that made the decision to take on the care of your mom. What if the tables were turned and your sister was the one doing mom's care, and you weren't? Would you feel it fair that she get more than you? Why would you want hard feelings between you and your sister, as once your mom dies, it will be just the 2 of you left? Just be grateful that she has some assets to leave you both, and also be grateful that you get to spend quality time with your mom, as some day, you will wish that you could once again spend time with her. God bless you.
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angelalutz63 Mar 19, 2021
Ty for making valid points. I am grateful to have this time with my mom and cherish every moment I have with her. Life is short and mom's are everything to the family and they deserve to be treated with love as they did for us
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I'm a firm believer in being paid in the here and now rather than waiting for an inheritance, especially when you consider that even one year of nursing home care might mean there is no inheritance at all. I know that you will say you have no intention of ever placing your mother into care, I said the same thing, but I never realized just how physically dependent people can become. On top of the dementia my mom became double incontinent, needed a pureed diet, was wheelchair dependent (really basically completely immobile) and after I burned out trying to be superwoman she spent her final18 months in a nursing home.
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angelalutz63, your Mom had drawn up her Will while she was of sound mind and not thinking ahead that some day you or your sister would be her full-time caregiver.

Since your Mom is now in the throws of Alzheimer's, she is unable to make any changes to her Will. If later down the road your Mom should pass, it depends if you need to take Mom's Will to Probate Court [depends on your State laws]. If that happens, you could plead in front of Probate Judge your situation, you would need proof, so start making a calendar diary of everything you do for Mom.

This type of situation is not uncommon. Some in the family usually is the appointed one to do all the care giving. Has your sister discussed with you that it may be better for your Mom to go into Assisted Living/Nursing Home? If yes, and you rather not see Mom go, your sister isn't helping because she knows how exhausting it can be and hopefully you would change your mind.

Not everyone has the patience to be a caregiver, maybe that is how your sister is, thus it wouldn't be a good mix for your Mom. I wasn't an hands-on caregiver, I would lose my patience, but I was good with logistical care. Such as hiring caregivers.
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