That must be so hard - losing your wife and losing the focus of all your energy while caring for you. Have you seen your doctor - just to check everything out physically and discuss the possibility of meds? I have found therapy extremely helpful during difficult times in my life so that might be worth trying. And I know there are grief support groups that many people find helpful.
Good luck, and take care of yourself. Go on walks, get some sunshine, spend time with friends or family.
IMO busy-ness helps. I took on volunteering for a couple of places even while I was taking care of Dad. That's my "me" time. I do volunteer tutoring/classroom assistant at a local elementary school an hour a week and assist with cleaning at a women's shelter for about 2 hours once a month. I love kids and the elderly, so now that Dad is gone, I'm considering volunteering at a nearby nursing home or the local VA. Before Dad got sick, my hubby and I used to play bingo weekly with residents at a nursing home, and I think we had more fun than they did. I just think helping others can make you feel better.
carerick, please follow suggestions like this, get out, and share yourself with the world. We’re here for you, behind our computer screens :) too. If you don’t have any pets, I’d go to a shelter or rescue group and look for a great new friend as well!
Carerick, I don’t know if you love animals but I couldn’t agree more with Zdarov. A pet is a constant loving companion and a constant project, in a good way. If you don’t want the commitment of having one in your home, you can volunteer at the shelter or foster short-term. You are obviously a helper and an incredibly caring person; if you share that with others who need it, both you and they will find healing. Peace and hugs.
Was your Wife on Hospice? If so they have bereavement counselors, support groups and Social Workers that can help you through the first year. Are you or were you a member of a church or other religious group? They may have support groups as well. Call the Alzheimer's Association they have counselors as well and may be able to offer suggestions. Talk to your Doctor, tell the doctor that you are having problems, are a bit depressed. They will refer you to a counselor or therapist that will help.
Now for the other stuff... Keep busy Volunteer, I volunteer at the Hospice that helped me care for my Husband. I feel it is a way for me to "pay back" the help and support that they gave me. It is even better that the Hospice is a Not for Profit so I KNOW what I am doing matters. Do you have a hobby that you used to love doing? Start it up again. If you like kids...Contact a local school and see how you can help there. Tutoring, room helper...there are so many places schools need help. Travel. If you do not have anyone to go with and don't want to go alone check out your local senior group or Park District and see if they have any trips scheduled. If you are good with little repairs check your local Senior Center many have programs that will help other seniors that are impoverished make light repairs that will enable them to remain in their homes. If your are real handy think about volunteering for Habitat for Humanity. (Or you can come build me a deck) {kidding}
Volunteering or finding a new activity is a good way to move the energy forward, but you still need to go through the shifts. Its normal.
For me, acceptance of our humanity is the key. This period of feeling your emotions is normal and should not be repressed, as it will return with a vengeance. Know that you will have to go through a normal roller coaster of emotions, as we all do when there are huge changes to our lives. Go through them. But do not meander within them. Do not get stuck in them.
There is a saying that I love: If you are going through hell, don't stop, keep going!
When my Ray went through this (my DH) he was advised to find another "help-mate" and it turned out to be me. We met at a "Church-held Pot-Luck for Singles" and we were the only couple to come out of it. We've been together now for 32 years.
This might not be right for you - but it was right for my Ray who had also tended a bed-ridden wife for many years. Diabetes complications with Dialysis. He started doing the Parents Without Partners trying to find someone to be with.
I am 30 years his junior but God knew what he was doing. Ray gave me stability and now I am giving him care. I call this "the flip-side of my wedding vows" and I am just thankful he is still here with me.
I am praying for you. I am praying that God show you what is best for you. We are all different. I have no idea what I will do after Ray passes, he's 96 now.
I am so very sorry for your loss. May you receive grieving Mercies. Your dear wife was truly fortunate to have you, obviously a caring, compassionate and loving husband. Grief takes time and I personally think that for devoted caregivers it is a different journey, lost loved one and lost job, please seek out grief groups of people that can understand what you have and are going through. Local area on aging can give you a list of support groups. I agree with all of the above posts, find something to keep you busy, I know sometimes it is hard just getting up and dressed, so be loving and kind and patient with yourself as you move forward on this journey. Please use this forum as well, so many loving, understanding and helpful people to listen, advise and love you through. Stay in touch and let us know how you are doing. Remember- YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS👍
Carerick, I can relate to you and depression. I lost my husband due to cancer three years ago and still miss him terribly. I actually went to counseling and I am so glad I did. She helped me to live with the loss but at the same time not forgetting him. I would probably still be going if she had not moved out of the area. It is very helpful. Good luck to you, we are all here for you.
You should seek out social groups, i.e. church, senior, etc. Someone with a common bond will be able to better understand what you've been through. Such groups build each other up. My sincerest condolences on your loss.
CARERICK.. Keep in mind that all the suggestions are great but grief and healing from that grief are not set in stone, they do not go by a calendar. Just as love starts with a bang and a bonfire then mellows to a wonderful warmth so will the grief. There are times when I hear a song and it rips me apart, a day or two later I can hear the same song and I find myself smiling and a week later I am in tears again. (not that you can relate..but it is sort of like a menopause hot flash ya just never know what is gonna happen!) So rely on family and friends. They may not want to bring up your wife's name thinking they don't want to make you feel bad but sometimes talking about her and the great time you had when you did....or you had the worst vacation when...this happened and you can laugh about it now. You need to validate her and the life you had. Doing this will help the hard, raw pain become that warm glow. It is hard but anything in life that is worth doing should be a challenge, you become a better person when you overcome.
It's imperative to see a trained counselor that deals with geriatric conditions and those that most caregivers have. You'll probably want to see the same type of professional that you would have taken your wife to if you thought it was important. They know a lot about these things. If they can't help you they know people who can. It all depends on what their exacting specialty is. It's okay to hurt, and depression is common. Just don't let it weigh you down to the point that you can't move or see promise of daylight.
This is a quote that I keep by my computer and I have it on my phone as well... Death leaves a heartache no one can heal... Love leaves a memory that no one can steal....
I also have this one
Grief is the Price of Love Grief never ends...but it changes! It's a passage, not a place to stay Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of Faith It is the price of Love....
We all go through grief all through our lives sometimes it is a deep hurting grief, other times it is not so deep. While I do not like the pain I experience It validates the love that I experienced. If there was not the love I had for my Husband there would be no grief. And I certainly would not have wanted to miss the love I had!!!
I am sorry for your loss. When my husband of 30 years died of cancer, which had included chemo dementia, I had a lot of friends help me. It took about 6 months for the grief to get from my head into the knowing of my heart. Meanwhile, there was also the long exhaustion and loss of focus. It all took a toll, as I'm sure you are now recognizing. Seeing my doctor was important, as some of the stress showed physically. Also therapy, people, a pet, spiritual practice, medicine, getting out of the house every day, lots of things already mentioned. Grief support group. Know that you are not alone, and the intensity will pass. Stay in touch. Someday you will be sharing how you survived with others here.
HI, First, Im sorry for your loss. Second, you are still here, the hardest part is the first sunrise and you HAVE MADE IT PAST THAT. Realize that when someone you love leaves you a little bit every day, long before her time of passing, you have been suffering a loss during all that time. You have been denied frustration, plans, future events together and these are all things you just might be morning the loss ofas well. She is now free from pain and mental decline- she now wander through your mind as she was years ago and thats who your probably missing the most.
When my dad passed away, he was slamming his fist into his chest because the pain wouldn't stop. He was frail then and this mans strength came back with such a vengeance! His skin was like tissue paper and a hug would bruise him, he was smashing open the bruises with every pound. Eventually they got him so medicated he stopped, but passed shortly thereafter. I went home with blood spattered shoes and clothes, but wouldnt leave until God came for him. My daddy, the man who called me princess, a brilliant criminal lawyer wasnt there anymore, he was now frail and beyond repair and then gone. Crushing. Until I saw him for the first time at his wake......... He was no longer that sick frail elderly guy, He was back in a suit, pristine white shirt, Cherry red silk tie, hair combed and looking like the elegant, refined man he was. I knew he was free, nothing hurt anymore, he wasnt reduced to what age had left him.
Right then and there my decision was to suck it up and set that man free no matter if it broke my heart or not. I didnt have the right to ask him to stay, to hurt, to be afraid one more day. It was my turn to tell him Dad, well done. I will miss you, never forget you, remember you to my soul and my thank you to him was letting him be at peace. The depression was there, I swear to you it was horrid. My mother went totally berserk and wore the Widow tiara to the point of making me nauseated!
I hung on to knowing it was ok to miss him, the depression was EQUAL TO THE LOVE I have for that man and THAT IS the good part. After a long while, the depression had me wandering thru memories, at first all the bad parts....then I got to the days where the blender cover wasnt on so tight- The day the dog knocked over a gallon of paint on both of them- the day his pants split- put his shoes an the wrong feet and I caught him looking down to figure it out.......you can do this my friend. Give it the time you need, but seach for the laughter only she could give.
(((((hugs))))) you are still grieving and that is not necessarily depression, though it is similar. It takes quite a while to process a loss like you have had. There are many good suggestions above. For myself, I have not been able to use "busy-ness" to escape from my grief, but rather need to walk through it day by day. It is very important to look after yourself - eat properly, stay hydrated, exercise at least a little, get enough rest and sleep. Grief is exhausting, and so was caregiving. It will take you time and many adjustments - tears, toil (the work of grief) , talk or writing - ways of expressing your grief. Men tend to use physical activity to work through their grief. When you are ready, a grief group can be very helpful. Do come back and let us know how you are. You are going through a major life transition and it isn't easy. Certain times can be especially hard -6 months after, 9 months, a year, birthdays, holidays, any special days... Be kind to yourself. You are early in this journey.
Depending on where you live, coming out of winter may help. It was such a shock to me to see that life goes on despite all tragedies. Seek out people who can cherish memories with you and help you find that new normal.
My deepest sympathies and condolences. I'm so sorry for your loss. Grief takes a toll and 6 months is still early. I know its hard. If you want to maybe consider talking to a grief counsellor or joining a support group.
Just keep taking it moment by moment. Be kind and gentle with yourself. There is no fixed timeline for grief. Sending all my thoughts and prayers.
Good luck, and take care of yourself. Go on walks, get some sunshine, spend time with friends or family.
Are you or were you a member of a church or other religious group? They may have support groups as well.
Call the Alzheimer's Association they have counselors as well and may be able to offer suggestions.
Talk to your Doctor, tell the doctor that you are having problems, are a bit depressed. They will refer you to a counselor or therapist that will help.
Now for the other stuff...
Keep busy
Volunteer, I volunteer at the Hospice that helped me care for my Husband. I feel it is a way for me to "pay back" the help and support that they gave me. It is even better that the Hospice is a Not for Profit so I KNOW what I am doing matters.
Do you have a hobby that you used to love doing? Start it up again.
If you like kids...Contact a local school and see how you can help there. Tutoring, room helper...there are so many places schools need help.
Travel. If you do not have anyone to go with and don't want to go alone check out your local senior group or Park District and see if they have any trips scheduled.
If you are good with little repairs check your local Senior Center many have programs that will help other seniors that are impoverished make light repairs that will enable them to remain in their homes.
If your are real handy think about volunteering for Habitat for Humanity. (Or you can come build me a deck) {kidding}
For me, acceptance of our humanity is the key. This period of feeling your emotions is normal and should not be repressed, as it will return with a vengeance. Know that you will have to go through a normal roller coaster of emotions, as we all do when there are huge changes to our lives. Go through them. But do not meander within them. Do not get stuck in them.
There is a saying that I love: If you are going through hell, don't stop, keep going!
This might not be right for you - but it was right for my Ray who had also tended a bed-ridden wife for many years. Diabetes complications with Dialysis. He started doing the Parents Without Partners trying to find someone to be with.
I am 30 years his junior but God knew what he was doing. Ray gave me stability and now I am giving him care. I call this "the flip-side of my wedding vows" and I am just thankful he is still here with me.
I am praying for you. I am praying that God show you what is best for you. We are all different. I have no idea what I will do after Ray passes, he's 96 now.
I can relate to you and depression. I lost my husband due to cancer three years ago and still miss him terribly. I actually went to counseling and I am so glad I did. She helped me to live with the loss but at the same time not forgetting him. I would probably still be going if she had not moved out of the area. It is very helpful. Good luck to you, we are all here for you.
Keep in mind that all the suggestions are great but grief and healing from that grief are not set in stone, they do not go by a calendar.
Just as love starts with a bang and a bonfire then mellows to a wonderful warmth so will the grief.
There are times when I hear a song and it rips me apart, a day or two later I can hear the same song and I find myself smiling and a week later I am in tears again. (not that you can relate..but it is sort of like a menopause hot flash ya just never know what is gonna happen!)
So rely on family and friends. They may not want to bring up your wife's name thinking they don't want to make you feel bad but sometimes talking about her and the great time you had when you did....or you had the worst vacation when...this happened and you can laugh about it now. You need to validate her and the life you had. Doing this will help the hard, raw pain become that warm glow.
It is hard but anything in life that is worth doing should be a challenge, you become a better person when you overcome.
Death leaves a heartache no one can heal...
Love leaves a memory that no one can steal....
I also have this one
Grief is the Price of Love
Grief never ends...but it changes!
It's a passage, not a place to stay
Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of Faith
It is the price of Love....
We all go through grief all through our lives sometimes it is a deep hurting grief, other times it is not so deep.
While I do not like the pain I experience It validates the love that I experienced. If there was not the love I had for my Husband there would be no grief. And I certainly would not have wanted to miss the love I had!!!
First, Im sorry for your loss. Second, you are still here, the hardest part is the first sunrise and you HAVE MADE IT PAST THAT. Realize that when someone you love leaves you a little bit every day, long before her time of passing, you have been suffering a loss during all that time. You have been denied frustration, plans, future events together and these are all things you just might be morning the loss ofas well. She is now free from pain and mental decline- she now wander through your mind as she was years ago and thats who your probably missing the most.
When my dad passed away, he was slamming his fist into his chest because the pain wouldn't stop. He was frail then and this mans strength came back with such a vengeance! His skin was like tissue paper and a hug would bruise him, he was smashing open the bruises with every pound. Eventually they got him so medicated he stopped, but passed shortly thereafter. I went home with blood spattered shoes and clothes, but wouldnt leave until God came for him. My daddy, the man who called me princess, a brilliant criminal lawyer wasnt there anymore, he was now frail and beyond repair and then gone. Crushing.
Until I saw him for the first time at his wake......... He was no longer that sick frail elderly guy, He was back in a suit, pristine white shirt, Cherry red silk tie, hair combed and looking like the elegant, refined man he was. I knew he was free, nothing hurt anymore, he wasnt reduced to what age had left him.
Right then and there my decision was to suck it up and set that man free no matter if it broke my heart or not. I didnt have the right to ask him to stay, to hurt, to be afraid one more day. It was my turn to tell him Dad, well done. I will miss you, never forget you, remember you to my soul and my thank you to him was letting him be at peace. The depression was there, I swear to you it was horrid. My mother went totally berserk and wore the Widow tiara to the point of making me nauseated!
I hung on to knowing it was ok to miss him, the depression was EQUAL TO THE LOVE I have for that man and THAT IS the good part. After a long while, the depression had me wandering thru memories, at first all the bad parts....then I got to the days where the blender cover wasnt on so tight- The day the dog knocked over a gallon of paint on both of them- the day his pants split- put his shoes an the wrong feet and I caught him looking down to figure it out.......you can do this my friend. Give it the time you need, but seach for the laughter only she could give.
My deepest sympathies and condolences. I'm so sorry for your loss. Grief takes a toll and 6 months is still early. I know its hard. If you want to maybe consider talking to a grief counsellor or joining a support group.
Just keep taking it moment by moment. Be kind and gentle with yourself. There is no fixed timeline for grief. Sending all my thoughts and prayers.