Has anyone had a spouse [wife] in memory care and later brought her back home?

I understand, Ed. Use your sons for sounding boards at least. Whatever help I’ve found (and trust me, it’s not much. You need to be living in a cardboard box underneath an overpass with your dog on a rope leash before they’ll even consider your case. We get a whole $15 per month in food stamps) But the only way you find out is to surf the net. I would absolutely apply for Medicaid. You are entitled to Community Spouse benefits. I had to spend down for my mom to qualify her for Medicaid. She self-paid $30,000 of what she’d saved to spend down. That was my supposed inheritance. Not. Yeah. It hurts. Yeah. It’s not fair. Plus when she died, even though she had funeral pre-planning we still had to pay $7,000 to bury her. But no way could I take care of her. Too many reasons to go into.

Thanks Ahmijoy. Have two married sons, out of state. They call and send information via internet, but day to day in on me right now. I have even considered not to go for Medicaid at this point since I have to pay-down, out of pocket for the home will get me almost broke anyway. It is tough, but I trying to do the best I can. I am hoping there may be some grants out there that I don't know about to help off-set the cost for the home. Of course the attorney will have some suggestions.

Do you have any kids who could help you wade through all the financial stuff? You’re dealing with a lot now and trying to navigate through Medicare, Medicaid, your wife’s testing and mental concerns and decisions is exceedingly stressful. I was dealing with all this a few years ago when my mom crashed and then Hubby suffered a life-altering (and almost ending) heart infection at the same time. I still have reams and reams of paperwork I have to go through someday and shred. My kids were very helpful, especially my son. He deals with business every day and gave me the “permission” to have an attitude with people who gave ME attitude. Some days I was so tired, stressed and scared that being somewhat snarky with these people wasn’t difficult. A lot of attorneys offer their first consult at no charge and a good Elder Law Attorney may be able to advise you how to find loopholes to get Medicaid coverage. I’ve been considering it as well, not so much for NH care but to help pay for all the home care supplies we use for hubby.

Use any resources available to you, including anyone who offers help at the facility. You’re not in this alone, and those who are closest to your situation can offer the best help.

Thanks Barb. Lot of information, but helpful.

www.familyassets.com/nursing-homes/resources/medicaid/virginia

Do you both have pre-need funerals paid for?

Look into a Miller Trust if you are over on income.

I will be meeting with an elder attorney to try to arrange for an asset protection plan. It is the person in the middle that suffers the most financially, not rich, not poor. Still not able to get much help for funding the expense of caregiving. From a quick view, seems that one has to spend down to almost nothing to qualify for Medicaid.

Ed, we all know how difficult it is to leave her. We’ve been there. It’s depressing and unfair. I know it’s pathetic to see them like this, pleading to “go home”. 99% of them do it. But the worst thing you could do is bring her home. And do see an attorney. We are in the same situation. Too much income to qualify for Medicaid but not enough to pay our bills.

Ed, see an elder law attorney that specializes in Medicaid. There are rules to protect the well spouse. Do not bring her home. The same challenges that you experienced previously will recur. And you have a court order that requires a safe environment for her. You cannot do that at home or you may face charges.

Update: I have already applied for Medicaid and the application was denied - countable resources exceed the maximum of $2,000 (full Medicaid coverage) and exceeds maximum of $7,390 (limited Medicaid coverage). Have too much resources in Commonwealth of Virginia. Have to spend down, not sure that I want to do that. Wife is being seen by neurology specialists. Home means returning to where I live or where we both lived up until a few months ago. It is difficult to leave her after a visit to the facility.

      Freqflyer, I have read on this forum about someone wanting to go home, meaning their childhood home, but had not yet experienced that with my parents until yesterday. My mother would often say that she wanted to go home from the nursing home, even though she is treated well, lives with my father there in a cozy room, and has lots of activities. She thinks she can still go home and take care of herself and him on her own. Yesterday, though, she told me she wanted to go home - home to Panama, where she has not lived since she was 20. I am almost weeping as I write this.
      ed, the safest place for your wife is where she is. Yes, she definitely needs to be seen by a geriatric psychiatrist and you should start the Medicaid process.

Ed, may I ask when your wife says she wants to go home, do you know which home she means? Does she say?

Why I ask, many people who have memory issues, when they say they want to go home, they are asking to be taken back to live in their childhood home, where life was fun and easy.

Ed, you have my sympathies for having to go through this. Understand that dementia is not something that gets better or “goes away”. If you bring your wife back home, she will remember only far enough back when, in her memory, you were abusing her, even though it wasn’t true. The staff at Memory Care is accustomed to dealing with patients who are hard to care for and uncooperative. Yes, I’m sure she doesn’t get the kind of care she would get at home. But not every, single facility out there abuses and neglects their residents. The care is different than home care, but not necessarily “bad”.

Ask yourself, “is she safe in the facility? Is she clean, fed and monitored? Does she climb out the windows there and cruise the neighborhood crying that she’s being abused?” Why do you want to bring her home? Is it a financial thing? Then ask them to apply for Medicaid for her. If she has such issues, she needs to be evaluated and placed in long-term care. Every facility has a doctor on staff who can order these tests. I would strongly advise against bringing her home. That would be a giant step backward.

Has she been assessed by a geriatric psychiatrist?

Is she on meds?

I had a court order to find a secure place for my wife. She was calling he police, saying that I was abusing her. She was leaving the house, sometimes in night closes. She would walk in the neighborhood, telling anyone she met that I was hurting her and she was afraid of me. It is just the two of us in the house. The Adult Protective Services got involved, leading to a court appearance for me. Finally my wife climbed out of a window, first floor, to get out of the house. Later that, she was placed in a memory care unit, under supervision of APS. Her placement there is month to month. She has progressive dementia. Now she is begging to come home. I have mixed feeling about the care at the home. Sometimes my wife does not cooperate with staff. The anger she once displayed toward me, seems to have ceased. Of course, the environment has also changed. I just think. a return home may be a return to previous actions.; calling the police and friends, and feeling threaten by me.

Ed, can you tell us a bit more about this situation? Did the wife go to memory care for respite or was it meant to be a permanent placement and it doesn't seem to be working out? Is the wife begging to come home? Does it appear to be too much care, or too little?

Pushing this question up.

I do not have experience doing this. It would be very hard on a person with dementia and would cause a decline that could be quite rapid.