From the OPs profile: I am caring for my father Bob, who is 95 years old, living at home with age-related decline, depression, hearing loss, and mobility problems. About Me: Daughter 27 my mom is the main caregiver but I work to keep the house that my dad wants to pass in and it isn’t cheap. ***************************** Why are YOU working to 'keep the house that your dad wants to pass in' that isn't cheap??? His house is HIS responsibility, not yours. Furthermore, your mother is his primary caregiver, dad doesn't respect you, forcing you to 'stand up for yourself' all the while you're breaking your back to PAY for HIS house?
What's wrong with this entire picture????
Nothing seems 'okay' about any of this. You need to remove yourself from an abusive situation, stop paying for your parents' home, and set down some boundaries about what you will and will not do for them. All elders want the fantasy of 'aging in place' but when the reality means their CHILD is breaking HER back to make that reality happen, that's when things have to be reevaluated.
The house can be sold to finance your parent's lives in Assisted Living so they're paying their own way in life. Or, they can downsize into a smaller home that's affordable WITHOUT your help, and hire caregivers to come in to help dad out. That lets you off the hook for the financial burden AND for the disrespect being dished out.
We all 'want' things to be a certain way in life but it's unrealistic to expect those wants to work out. I 'want' to win the lottery, too, but chances are I won't. Tough luck for me, huh? Means I have to live within MY means, whether I like it or not w/o relying on my children to bail me out.
It's time you rethink this entire situation you're allowing to happen and start looking out for YOURSELF here. It's okay to help your parents out, within limits, as long as it's not killing YOU in the process, either financially, mentally or both.
Is the age correct, your 27? A child or a grandchild where ur grandparents have raised you? Does Dad have any Dementia? You say Mom is his caregiver? Since you seem to be paying the bills so they can stay in the house, are you the one the house is going to pass on to and do you have that in writing?
No you are not wrong in sticking up for yourself. Its how you go about it. If its screaming matches, that is not good. No one should put up with any type of abuse. And those doing the abusing need to know you won't tolerate it. You are an adult and as such deserve respect. At 95 Dad needs you more than you need him. If he is holding the house over your head, don't allow this. There are many posts on this forum where a child is promised something to do the care. Only to find out, it was never put in the Will or in writing.
You have to set up boundries for you. What you will and will not do and what you will and will not tolerate. When Dad starts with his abuse, walk out. You may also want to remind him that but for you he may lose the house. If you can upkeep his house, then you can find a place of your own. Then he would need to sell and downsize for he and Mom.
There is a book called Boundries by Townsend and Cloud my daughter enjoyed it as did members of the forum. Also look up the "grey rock method". You maybe able to use this.
If he's living with you, he presumably has no money so start the medicaid application now. Or wait until you can er dump him.
If you are living with him, often inheritance is a concern. I don't blame people for wanting to hang in there for these reasons but with every year the situation becomes more unbearable. Plus, the elder will usually have a better selection with private pay
Yell at him? No, that's verbal abuse. And you certainly can't hit him.
You can walk out of the room if he becomes verbally abusive to you. If he becomes physical with you, I would call 911 and have him taken to the hospital.
UTI (urinary tract infections) can cause behavioral symptoms in elders. They can also turn into sepsis very quickly, so if you see a change in his behavior for the worse, get in touch with his doc right away and make sure that his urine gets cultured.
Have you watched any Teepa Snow videos on how to deal with dementia patients? She has great techniques!
After a parent reaches an advanced age, all past conflicts should be left behind. They're are affected by so many issues that their personality can become difficult to handle. Consider them sick people and do not take personally any offenses. Since you're the younger an more stable person, you should be the one to use the best judgement for dealing with a cranky old person.
What is your definition of "I have to stand up for myself". No one needs to live with abuse. Are you speaking of verbal or physical abuse. More information will get you better opinions. Wishing you the best.
You really need to be more specific. Of course it is not right. What is his physical situation? Where does he live? If you give ultimatums will he even understand them? Has this been a pattern for many years?
It probably would be best if you didn't live together if you even do and if you do can he be placed in a facility? Just so many unknown variables.
I am caring for my father Bob, who is 95 years old, living at home with age-related decline, depression, hearing loss, and mobility problems.
About Me:
Daughter 27 my mom is the main caregiver but I work to keep the house that my dad wants to pass in and it isn’t cheap.
*****************************
Why are YOU working to 'keep the house that your dad wants to pass in' that isn't cheap??? His house is HIS responsibility, not yours. Furthermore, your mother is his primary caregiver, dad doesn't respect you, forcing you to 'stand up for yourself' all the while you're breaking your back to PAY for HIS house?
What's wrong with this entire picture????
Nothing seems 'okay' about any of this. You need to remove yourself from an abusive situation, stop paying for your parents' home, and set down some boundaries about what you will and will not do for them. All elders want the fantasy of 'aging in place' but when the reality means their CHILD is breaking HER back to make that reality happen, that's when things have to be reevaluated.
The house can be sold to finance your parent's lives in Assisted Living so they're paying their own way in life. Or, they can downsize into a smaller home that's affordable WITHOUT your help, and hire caregivers to come in to help dad out. That lets you off the hook for the financial burden AND for the disrespect being dished out.
We all 'want' things to be a certain way in life but it's unrealistic to expect those wants to work out. I 'want' to win the lottery, too, but chances are I won't. Tough luck for me, huh? Means I have to live within MY means, whether I like it or not w/o relying on my children to bail me out.
It's time you rethink this entire situation you're allowing to happen and start looking out for YOURSELF here. It's okay to help your parents out, within limits, as long as it's not killing YOU in the process, either financially, mentally or both.
Good luck!
No you are not wrong in sticking up for yourself. Its how you go about it. If its screaming matches, that is not good. No one should put up with any type of abuse. And those doing the abusing need to know you won't tolerate it. You are an adult and as such deserve respect. At 95 Dad needs you more than you need him. If he is holding the house over your head, don't allow this. There are many posts on this forum where a child is promised something to do the care. Only to find out, it was never put in the Will or in writing.
You have to set up boundries for you. What you will and will not do and what you will and will not tolerate. When Dad starts with his abuse, walk out. You may also want to remind him that but for you he may lose the house. If you can upkeep his house, then you can find a place of your own. Then he would need to sell and downsize for he and Mom.
There is a book called Boundries by Townsend and Cloud my daughter enjoyed it as did members of the forum. Also look up the "grey rock method". You maybe able to use this.
If you are living with him, often inheritance is a concern. I don't blame people for wanting to hang in there for these reasons but with every year the situation becomes more unbearable. Plus, the elder will usually have a better selection with private pay
Yell at him? No, that's verbal abuse. And you certainly can't hit him.
You can walk out of the room if he becomes verbally abusive to you. If he becomes physical with you, I would call 911 and have him taken to the hospital.
UTI (urinary tract infections) can cause behavioral symptoms in elders. They can also turn into sepsis very quickly, so if you see a change in his behavior for the worse, get in touch with his doc right away and make sure that his urine gets cultured.
Have you watched any Teepa Snow videos on how to deal with dementia patients? She has great techniques!
No one needs to live with abuse. Are you speaking of verbal or physical abuse.
More information will get you better opinions. Wishing you the best.
It probably would be best if you didn't live together if you even do and if you do can he be placed in a facility? Just so many unknown variables.