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She alienated her sons and eventually both daughters in law with her bitterness and hatefulness. In her world, everyone is her slave and should drop everything else just to help her.


She chose to live in independent living rather than assisted living. She refused POA or anyone seeing her bank accounts. We stepped away for our own sanity. Now this. She has nowhere she can go. I asked her to contact social services and even the facility manager. My husband and I can afford one month (April) to keep her where she’s at in hopes she can find a solution for May. We live over an hour away and are both in poor health. Brother is in poor financial health himself so can’t help. MIL burned all her bridges with family & friends.


She shows no signs of dementia. She is in a wheelchair after a minor stroke and refused physical therapy to help her walk again. (She gets more attention being in a wheelchair).


I can not physically, emotionally or monetarily help this woman. I suggested she call Medicaid and also talk to the facility manager where she’s at in hopes he will help her get a social worker.


I fear she will be thrown out on the streets. Any advice?

It's not your problem, is it? (((((((hugs)))))))). You sound like a kind-hearted person; I think that's what she's counting on.

Do NOT pay for an additional month. It will only drag out the aggravation and the facility will hound you for more money.

They will evict her for non payment
( which will probably take some time). Social services will be called by the facility. Do NOT involve yourselves with this mentally Ill person.

In order for her to get the help she needs, you need to not step in.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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Can you call the social worker at the facility and ask that they help her?

She is in the very real position of living with the consequences of her choices.

She is hoping that you will jump in and bail her out, like letting her live in your home. Don't do it. There are senior facilities for housing that charge based on income.

Do not pay anything for her. Make her get busy, they won't just push her to the curb.

Waiting until now to mention this, is manipulation and I guarantee she figures you will figure it out. The only thing you can do is call that SW and tell them she needs to be seen immediately and you are only calling because you are concerned about a vulnerable senior.

I feel for you, I am thinking my mom will pull the same kind of stunt. She'll handle it all until she's made a complete mess of it and then call me at the last minute, assuming I won't have any choice at that point, ugh, I dread that day.

However, I will not be paying anything, I will direct her to services.

As Barb said, DO NOT pay anything and prolong this.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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Don’t pay April. Not a cent.
”Needing” rent $ is likely just the tip of a financial iceberg.

She has some sort of income. Like Social Security. She has $ to pay towards rent. May not pay all of it but +/- 50%. If she really truly can’t pay her rent, they will find a way to get her removed.

I’m guessing that this is a free standing IL. It is not a tiered facility that goes from IL to AL to NH. If it’s not tiered, there is no social worker or a needs assessment team to determine if she will be required to move to a higher level of care. It’s kinda like living in a dorm.

Can they evict her? Sure but exiting a 94 yr old poses all sort of issues from a safety and Public relations perspective. What facilities seem to do instead of kicking grannie to the curb, is the IL or a AL will find a reason to contact EMS to take her to the ER at a hospital as she has presents with something that needs an evaluation.

There are all sorts of things that are ahem..... somewhat subjective as to being a serious health care issue..... if I was the director & had to find a reason to call EMS, I’d say that she looks like she’s had a TIA (transient ischemic Attack) has no ability for executive functioning, seems to have respiratory issues, has bowel issues and not ambulatory. The fact that she’s already wheelchair bound make it easier for EMs to accept that’s theres a need for her to be evaluated. So EMS takes her to the ER. She has Medicare, Medicare will pay for the transport as it’s medically needed trip. ER evaluates her for a TIA and at her age, difficult and not ambulatory well they will probably admit her. Once she’s off in the EMS vehicle, the IL determines they will NOT take her back. The monkey is now somebody else’s problem, & it’s not a cute lil capuchin but a mean old orangutan monkey.

She is now a problem for the hospital and the discharge planner at the hospital. They will contact her family and you all firmly tell them that you are not her POA and cannot provide the level of care+oversight & safety she needs. APS gets contacted and she’ll be made a ward of the state with a court appointed guardian. Guardian gets her placed in NH

Yeah it totally harsh, but happens and happens often.
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Isthisrealyreal Mar 27, 2019
Cute little capuchin, those things are worse than mad dogs. Yikes!
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What do you do now? Follow the great advice you've been given here. If she had remorse or at least realized what she's done to people, I could maybe cut her some slack. But sounds to me she just called with an attitude of "I'm broke, so you HAVE to help me." Probably didn't even ask, so much as state her need.

And no, don't even pay a month of it. You don't want to get roped into this in any capacity! If you are a person of faith you can always pray for her. I think God understands when we just can't get involved in something, you know?

As cold as it sounds, it helps to remember: Play b*tch games, win b*tch prizes.*

*yes I love Jesus, but I cuss a little.
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Hotflash47 Mar 27, 2019
Would it be alright if I made that my new catch phrase because it is fantastic.
And regrettably I'll need to use it a lot :)
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I hope that your husband isn't encouraging you to get involved?

Do NOT even pay for a month for the IL.
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Do not pay her rent for her. Not even $1. It will only delay the inevitable and prolong getting her onto Medicaid, if in fact she needs Medicaid.

Most eviction notices will be 30-days.

ASAP - Call the county department for the aged where she lives. Explain that no one has durable power of attorney for your MIL and that she may be facing eviction from indy living because she claims that she's run out of money. Ask what they do in such cases. Ask about emergency Medicaid. Get information but do not put your name on any documentation.
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Reply to NYDaughterInLaw
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JoAnn29 Mar 27, 2019
Medicaid does not pay for housing only LTC.
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Not one penny goes to her.


My hackles are rising as I read this--she made her bed, she can lie in it.

I had a 'friend' and yes, I am using the past tense--who got people pulled into her messy, sordid life, took them for as much as she could and never said thank you...just took and took. Wow--she could plea her cause and you'd be hauling out your checkbook. I was helping her one day to pack, as she was crying bankruptcy/poverty and was going to lose her house...in cleaning I found a pile of dividend checks she had not bothered to cash--in total, over $12,000 worth. I confronted her about them and she brushed it off like they were chicken feed. Well, we were doing freaking FUND RAISERS to help her and she was sitting on not just those dividends but also a comic book collection of worth almost $100K. I always wondered why it seemed she had no family or friends in her life--well, she has one less "friend" now. She uses you up and spits you out. Once you're of no value to her, she treats you like you don't exist.

Don't do anything to help this woman, financially. She could probably use some help navigating the system to be moved to a Medicaid facility, but don't start trying to solve her problems. She hasn't been in your life for years for reasons--they still exist.

And BTW, I have NEVER seen little old ladies sitting out in the street, without homes. You have to try pretty hard to be completely without in this country. You might not have the best of the best, but you will not go unhoused nor unfed.
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Isthisrealyreal Mar 27, 2019
I have seen little old ladies on the street.

Either mentally ill or refuse to abide by any rules or regulations.
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I don't think Independent living, unless connected to an AL/LTC complex has a Social Worker.

Call Adult Protection Service. Tell them what is going on. Do not offer help unless they ask. The IL can't kick her out, they will have to evict her for nonpayment. That could take 6 months. By law they have to give 30/60 days. If APS can't help, call her County Social Service office. They may have emergency help. They can also help place her somewhere she can afford. She may not like it but " oh well".

Make sure you make it plain that you are not in the position to help her. And be firm with that. I think, if you can afford it, paying a month would be nice. But work on getting her help now. Tell APS and SS that you can only afford a month.

Nice that she waited until she had no money to tell you. Maybe IL was not a good choice. Seems she really couldn't afford it.
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Isthisrealyreal Mar 27, 2019
No, it encourages rotten behavior. Seriously it's the 26th of the month, oh by the way I am out of money you need to do something. No way!
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BigDogMom1956, I am really surprised that the facility which has Independent Living didn't ask Mom-in-law to move to Assisted Living, unless the facility thought she would start improving having physical therapy which you noted she didn't do physical therapy.

Usually it is the facility that does the assessment. I remember when I was called into a meeting saying it was time for my Dad to move into Assisted Living from Independent Living.

Are you sure your Mom doesn't have a bit of dementia? It is amazing how one with dementia can sound quite normal on the telephone depending on the time of day. My Dad acted and sound normal but had sundowning after 5pm where he would transport himself back to the 1940's.

Ask the facility how is Mom-in-law doing health wise as they see her around the clock. Hopefully Mom is mis-reading her financial statements and she actually does have funds.
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JoAnn29 Mar 27, 2019
Not all IL are attached to an AL. And, if she can't afford an IL she can't afford a AL. The cost would at least double.
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In some states, Medicaid DOES pay for A.L. Heck, in my city, Medicaid will pay for 24/7 aides.

As to filial responsibility, the O.P. is dealing with her very ill husband who has diabetes and non-alcoholic cirrhosis. She is the MIL of the person she is writing about.

Filial responsibility laws are rarely enforced, and not when the "children" or ill or impoverished.
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worriedinCali Mar 27, 2019
Your city is pretty much the only one that will pay for 24/7 in home care.
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