Mom’s entire home flooded last week and there was no where for her to go (she also no longer drives), so I dropped everything, flew across the country, and rented an AirBnB. Quickly realized she has significantly declined since I visited 1 yr ago—no longer can bathe unassisted and must be strongly coaxed into doing so; uses a walker now, is completely incontinent but either refuses to wear or change the Depends or let me change her (she needs to wear them 24/7). She has also become a ravenous binge eater and has gained over 80 pounds on her 5’ 2” frame. She will gobble her meal down, then grab my plate and start eating my food with her hands until she is so full she will often vomit it up. I had purchased a weeks’ worth of groceries for the two of us but she ate them all in one night while I was sleeping. She is acting like a feral animal. I have tried to have her declared as incompetent, but she is able to successfully answer most of the questions posed. Six yrs ago her bank called me when her account was overdrawn due to a scam—she gave $50,000 away w/in a2-month period. That’s when I had to become involved as her FPOA. I was visiting her 3 to 4 times a year to make sure she was OK but as she’s not supposed to speak to me (I am a disfellowshipped JW), I could only stay a few hours then she would tell me to leave. I live 3000 miles away so it is expensive for me to travel here. A few days ago I coaxed her into the shower (at the AirBNB) and she became very confused. Didn’t know what was going on kept asking now what? Now what? Wouldn’t wear the Depends so was peeing all over the unit and getting feces on the flooring and bedding. I then took her to an assisted living facility as her home has been gutted and is unlivable until it dries out and all cabinets, flooring, drywall & baseboards are replaced, which will take at least a couple of months. Her insurance will only cover $10,000 so I will have to pay for the rest.I found out yesterday from her (now former) home health care worker that she has slapped her and hit her several times with a broom handle and by throwing shoes (she did the same to my sister and I daily when we were growing up). Being around my mother traumatizes me. But I still feel bad about leaving her in the assisted living facility against her will. They have already told me she needs to go into memory care and lockdown. But she has not been declared incompetent yet. I really do need to head home soon but fear I will be getting a call within one to two weeks to pick her back up as they won’t be able to handle her. My older sister refuses to provide any support (financial or physical) as they too haven’t spoken for 35 years. If I return home (across the country) and two weeks down the road the ALF says she hit someone or keeps trying to escape, etc. so they no longer want the responsibility and give me a 30 day notice to vacate her, what do I do? I cannot move her across the country and into my house— we really don’t have the space, and my husband said he will leave as he thinks she is crazy. Plus in her mind she’s not supposed to be associating with me at all so doesn’t want to be around me. She can’t live in her house. Her church elders and congregation want nothing to do with the entire situation.
With the assistance of APS resign your POA; request guardianship of the state, telling APS that you cannot function for a mother adjudged to be competent who is NOT competent.
If APS will not act to help you resign your POA (and that is doable by a letter to Mom because Mom is adjudge competent under the law; you would then proceed to remove your name from her accounts as POA), the get an attorney in that area and resign before the court, saying your mother is adjudged as competent by her medical personnel and you can no longer function for her in her behalf.
Not everything can be fixed, and from the sound of it, your mom is not fixable in any way. She is 94. She has had a long life doing it her way. It is perhaps best she passes continuing to do it her way. I am 82, and my thoughts on getting us locked up in care so we can live another few miserable years seem to be changing DRASTICALLY as I age.
Saying that, any church who told me I had to shun my loved ones, especially my children, would be a church I would leave in a New York minute, with absolutely no regret, and no looking back other than to be relieved that I dodged a bullet.
You do understand that you aren't estranged from your mother. Seeing her multiple times a year, bailing her out financially, etc. is - quite frankly - the polar opposite of estranged. What IS going on here is your mom has been USING YOU.
Now, she is clearly incompetent. Maybe not by a standard that any doctor wants to sign off on, but she is.
You KNOW what you have to do. She must be placed. For HER own sake, as well as yours.
If you're still there, the next time she starts to go off, call 911. Tell them she is emotionally disturbed. That she is saying things and behaving in such a way that you fear she might try to harm herself, or someone else. Let the authorities come and remove her to a psych ward, then tell them you don't live near her, and you can't take her with you. Let them place her in the appropriate facility. There is a pathway for this, but you must stand firm in your resolution to NOT accept her care. I know it's hard to do that. I know it sucks. But it is really the best thing for HER, not just you. Because she clearly can't live alone anymore and living with you would be an unmitigated disaster.
I hope you can find a resolution to this. (((hugs)))
Don't pay for anything else for her.
A person that was abused (in any way) should not be the caregiver for the person that abused them.
Step away.
if mom begins to hit you or act erratically call 911,
You can say you are afraid for your safety (or hers) and transported to the hospital they will have Social Workers that will help manage placement.
If you do go to the hospital you must say that you are unable to care for her and that she is unsafe at home and can not care for herself.
A call to APS might also be in order. Report that she is a danger to herself and to others that have tried to care for her.
while your mother may have passed tests for dementia she is at the very least mentally ill and needs to be in treatment.
By the way...YOU do not pay for the repair mom your mothers home. Any repairs come from her assets, not yours.
You should not be paying for anything for your mom as you need your money for your own care down the road. If money is an issue for your mom then she'll have to apply for Medicaid which APS can help her with if needed.
You owe your mom NOTHING! And a child that was abused in any way by a parent, should NEVER attempt to take on their care in any shape, form or fashion.
So call APS first thing in the morning.
From now on stay out of the situation and live your life.