94 year old with dementia still driving. What to do?

You don't want the blood of children on your hands. Do whatever it takes, keys or sell or disable the car or whatever, NOW.

Same thing going on with my father n law. Can't remember people he can't get his self dressed he has problems eating can't remember how to put batteries in a flashlight or how to change a lightbulb but my mother-in-law has him driving every single day because when he can't drive no more all her fun comes to an end. My father-in-law would gladly stop driving if they told him to he's scared to drive but his wife resents him for having dementia and feels like he's ruining her life and all her fun so she does absolutely nothing to stop him from driving in fact she makes him drive her to the stupidest places every single day. I want to make a report to the DMV but it won't let you make an anonymous report and I'm not going to do it because if my mother-in-law finds out it's me there will be a war in the family. So I guess we all just sit back and wait for an accident or worse. It's disgusting.

This is a common situation, sadly. The Motor Vehicles Bureau will continue to renew the drivers licenses. They are not legally allowed to refuse the license due to advanced age. My nephew refused to speak to me for many years when my I was told that I shouldn't "encourage" my father to drive anymore. My nephew took it upon himself to decide I was being unfair to Pop. He never did understand that my father had no problem with me driving him everywhere. Pop passed at 88.

My DH was able to drive until he went on a walker at age 95 - but he volunteered to allow his license to lapse when we learned it would lower my car insurance. He kept the out-of-date license as proof of identity.

Take either the car or the keys away. I first took my Dads keys away, only to find out he hid a spare, then I just took the car. I asked him (Dad has LBD and Parkinson's) do you really think its right to be driving on the road? God forbid you get in an accident, told him he was not only putting himself in danger but others on the road and that wasn't right. I told him I would drive him wherever he wanted to go and did just that. I'll admit, it was a battle.

I had this situation come up a few years ago. I couldn’t get anybody to listen or offer any help. My very stubborn mother needed to give up driving but wouldn’t. One day I was out on the road and saw her driving and it gave me the idea. I contacted motor vehicles and embellished a story of the day I saw her driving, telling them that I saw her weaving in and out of traffic and how frightened I was for her and fellow motorists. That got their attention! They sent a notice to the house for her to go in and be re-examined. Needless to say, she never did follow through and subsequently lost her license.

My heart goes out to you. I’ve had a similar situation where well meaning friends enabled my parents. I had to be very direct and frank with them to get them to stop. Unfortunately, my dad passed away. But, that gave me a way to sell the car. Mom still talks about buying a car. I’ve informed her that she could easily kill someone and she doesn’t care. The moral of the story is that you just have to get rid of the car and direct with those who are enabling him.

Hide the car. Keys. Driver’s license.

If you are able, maybe contact the local police force and speak to the traffic division. Maybe there is an officer who can come speak to your Dad.

Along with the "stick" of denying access to the car, what about presenting a "carrot" by way of showing him how to use a ride-sharing service to meet his transportation needs?

I.e. go on a few rides with him and show him how it's done.

(Disclaimer: I've never used one myself! But I think it's worth knowing how to do.)

Please call the police and see if they can do anything: this is a tragedy just waiting to happen. If he causes injury or death, YOU will be stuck dealing with it! Don’t wait!

Cali, I agree. My friend’s mom called AAA and had the car fixed.

We had the same problem with my mom; 94 and wouldn't stop driving. We hired people to come in and help during the day and told her they would drive her wherever she wanted to go. She still would drive if they weren't there. Then one day she forgot how to drive. Sat in the driveway unable to remember how to put the car in gear. That finally seemed to convince her to stop. But we were lucky she didn't kill anyone in the meantime. I think the idea of disabling the car (remove spark plugs, etc...) is genius. Have it towed, never to return.

I had the same problem with my mom. If the car can't start it can't be driven. Its amazing the things that can be done to a car ;) some things can permanently disable a car. Just sayin.

I'm not sure what the law is in Kentucky, but you might encourage your family, especially your mother, to consider this.  If he has been diagnosed with dementia by doctors, then his insurance carrier almost certainly would refuse to cover any claims if he has an accident and that could financially wipe out your mother. Wipeout.
For real.  Any plaintiff's lawyer would jump on this so fast and there is a risk that he would be judged at fault in any accident. Does your family understand this? Can you ask his doctors to follow up their reports of dementia? Can you consult a lawyer to determine if there would be any liability falling on the family, particularly his wife, if she ignored the danger?
I'm in CA and the laws may well be different than in KY, but a close friend of mine went through this and basically pestered the DMV, the police dept., doctors, friends, etc.  And finally got it done.

First you and your sister need to talk to the well meaning friends and family who think they are helping him about the real situation. To them your dad is still the guy they have known for years who maybe isn't quite as self sufficient as he once was and needs a little help sometimes, don't we all and they may think you are being too cautious because you are so far away. In fact you are far more aware of his day to day issues and decline than they are. We all know how effective their show timing can be and when the fully competent person is who people want and expect to see I think it can be easy to overlook the signs. But beyond you knowing about his cognitive issues it was a doctor that determined he can not be driving anymore and they don't do that easily. When my mom had her stroke and was told not to drive we were told that knowing she had not been cleared by a doctor to drive again, if we let her get behind the wheel and she had an accident we would be liable. Tell your cousin and the Dep Sheriff you are documenting your efforts to follow doctors orders and prevent him from driving to protect yourself and if they enable him to drive they are on the hook if someone gets hurt. Then enlist them to help you take the car away, I like the disable it and then take it to be fixed never to return method if he simply can't give it up but you know what's best for your situation. I would take a similar tact with mom too since she can make or break how this goes and her reluctance to take her head out of the sand may have as much to do with her loss of freedom when dad can no longer drive as her not being able to say no to him. Anyway explain to her that since the doctor has put it in writing that dad should not be driving she as well as you and your sister could be sued should he get behind the wheel and have an accident. Enlist her help in making this easier for dad, what does she think the best way to take the car away would be and protecting you and your sister. Take the onus off of you, you didn't make the determination Dad can't drive his doctor did but you are the one who needs protection because you have a lot to loose should he continue to drive.

Set up home so need to head out, or move him close to or in the nearest big city so everything he would need is a walk or public transit ride away .

Many big cities are making their downtowns to be convenient for me was many which has attracted both young and old

I’d take the keys from him ..period end of story. Get poa, contact police & DMV . Maybe call tow truck..You could even buy bar you put across steering wheel & lock it...He couldn’t be driving without help from some very dumb stupid people.

Wth?? The “chief deputy sheriff helped your dad get the car or license back”?????
how will he feel when your dad kills innocent people? That deputy sheriff should be reprimanded for this! Sounds like a “good ol boy” system, if it were my parent, i would talk to the person(s) at the top of chain of command and get their help.....so sorry you are going thru this. Its so hard.

It's helpful to get mother on board as she likely has more influence on father. She may be stuck in the middle trying to help him do what he wants or not realize he can't drive any longer ~ denial; or she may be not thinking clearly either.

It helps to have other transportation set up and easily available for all their needs/wants.  Get that in place if it isn't already. 

You have no choice: take the keys and car.  Get the title signed over to you, and buy or sell it, and give them the money.  You don't want it reported stolen so tell them you need the car right away or it broke, and can't be fixed so you're selling it for them.  Eventually, he'll stop asking about it as long as all their needs and wants are taken care of, and they don't feel stuck with no help to get some place or get something.

You have to be the bad guy and take the vehicle away or disable it. Just imagine for a few minutes facing the family of someone he has killed and trying to explain why he was still driving! That should give you the courage to go take remove or disable the vehicle.

My Mom also has dementia and we tried to get her to stop driving to no avail even though she frequently "got lost". The neurologist asked her if she was driving and she proudly told him yes. He ordered her to stop immediately and said if he heard she was driving he would make her take the "senior driving test" which he assured her she could not pass. She accepted that and quit driving immediately.
This past year her driver's license expired and she needed to get a State ID card. It costs the same as the license so she said "I'm going to get a driver's license since they cost the same."
I didn't want to argue with her so I said "You know you will have to take them for a drive this time. So you think you can do that today?" She immediately decided to just get the ID card.

Sounds like you have a lot of people who are stepping in to help your dad get his car back but don't want to step in to help him get where he needs to go without driving. My goodness. Take the car when you leave and sell it. Tell him it was stolen. Of course the chief deputy sheriff of the county may mess that up for you but I would have a SERIOUS conversation with him, and your cousin, and everyone else who thinks it's a good idea for someone with dementia to be driving and let them know you don't have to explain anything to anyone, this is your father and you are making the decision.

I would send a certified letter to all the people that "love him so much that they would do anything in the world for him", outlining everything that they have done to put your dad and others at risk. Then I would clarify that they will be dealing with the lawsuits and the financial aspect of helping him to endanger lives. Do some research on what the average cost is to litigate a wrongful death suit, how losing the family bread winner affects the lives of the entire household and firmly place the responsibility of their actions on their heads.

One thing that you need to provide when taking someone's independence of driving away is an alternative for them to get out and about. Without that in place it is a loosing battle. Multiply resources is better, that way he decides to go and can get going fairly quickly. Not tomorrow.

I would also request the doctor report his driving again.

Get POA and sell the car so he can't "reclaim" it!

He is already driving uninsured.

There's not a chance he won't have invalidated his policy anyway. He's been advised by medical professionals to stop driving, it's been formally reported to the DMV, he has not made his insurer aware of these developments - there's not a policy in the world that will cover him in these circumstances, any more than it would if he'd drunk fifteen bottles of whisky and then got behind the wheel.

Who are the other family members besides your mother who are enabling this?

What does your father use the car for, mainly?

Take the keys away. Drive the car to an unknown location to him. What a nightmare!

Kentuckywoman, please don't wait for his wife to do something.... obviously only the state police would (hopefully) be willing to stop this. What a good idea, actually; DMV seems to care less about stopping my FIL, who managed somehow to pass a drivers test, but who my husband, whom nothing about driving scares, will not drive with! Think I'll get in touch with them....

If you can't in effect "ground" him from driving then about all that may be left after all you have explained is to ground the car with certain temporary steps to disable it from running. Of course if others use it regularly this could be tiresome. The possible consequences of the continuance of his driving should require serious intervention.

I have been on both sides of lawsuits involving car accidents. They are long and tiresome. There was fault involved but not blatant errors that could have been prevented. I hope this is not in your family's future.

Cancelled insurance and a revoked license don’t stop people from driving. Do we all understand that? Not everyone will willingly turn their revoked license in to the DMV and refrain from driving. There’s literally tens of thousands of people who are driving on suspended or revoked licenses in this country.
I wouldn’t cancel the insurance until AFTER the car is completely gone and he has absolutely no access to any vehicle. Because if he has an accident while driving uninsured, who do you think will be financially responsible? What you need to do is figure out who is enabling him to continue driving and either get them to cut it out OR call the cops every time you know he is behind the wheel. As someone with a parent who has absolutely no business driving but refuses to stop and as someone who’s parent had their license taken away at one point & yet he continued to drive....my heart goes out to you because I know what a terrible situation this is and how hard it is to get them to stop driving! So much easier said than done.

Does he actually have a valid license? If he does not, call the police next time he goes out in the car. Maybe that will scare him. He must be stopped. And if he kills someone, the family who enabled him is responsible. Take the keys. Do whatever you have to do but stop him

The DMV is strict here in New York. If the doctors reported him,,the DMV should have sent him a letter to turn in his license. Take control and take the car away from him. Do whatever tricks you can. He could kill somebody out on the road driving. If he does, the family could sue you for damages. It happened to my uncle. He was in the beginning of dementia and killed his 2 best friends. He was driving. He lived. The family was trying to sue my uncles family for damages because my Aunt KNEW he had dementia and shouldn’t be driving. He killed his best friend and his wife and it didn’t even PHASE him because he was out of his mind!!!!