My mom has memory issues, sun-downers, hearing issues and I think she is well into dementia. She has been in her new place, an assisted living facility and it is a great place. She was ok with it in the beginning but now is finding every way possible to hate it after about 1 1/2 months. I know it is early on but my health is suffering trying to get her settled and pleased. Her memory and confusion is worsening every day. We are planing to go South for the winter soon and I am really worried. Btw, I am an only child. My kids are great help. I worry about them while my hubby and I are gone. We are not young either and are retired. We just need a break. Am I being selfish?
NO...you are not being selfish. She has lived her life and is in a good place to be fed and safe. You are same age as me and if I didn’t take some time away to have a life I would have either been deeply depressed or possibly even dead by now. I’ve been ill before from the stress. It’s taken me a while to finally be ok with doing what I need to do. You must take solace knowing you’ve done your best. You will be a better daughter for getting away. Your marriage and health are a priority.
You asked how long does the adjustment to assisted living take. For most you will likely find that the visits are few. Perhaps weekly, some longer in between, and a few nearly every day.
While you and hubs are gone, I suggest you ask the kids to not call you daily and rehash the latest meltdown they witness in visits. Thing is, she is gonna be unhappy no matter what happens at the facility. THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT THAT EXCEPT PRAY.
I speak from experience...For more than ten years, my wife was in a nursing home....Stroke. Paralyzed...Could not speak. Yet cheerful. I visited for breakfast and lunch and hired ladies to assist her with her dinner and socialize every single day. I noted that most of the 90 or so residents got very few visits from their loved ones. I asked God for a servant's heart...He gave it to me. My wife had a happy attitude that she would not give up. I fed that attitude with (sometimes forced) cheerfulness.
Your mom's condition is much different. You need to accept life as it is.
I am 82. My wife died in 2017. Since then she has been at peace and I as well. I figure she is dancing with Jesus, or at least Abraham.
Grace + Peace,
Bob
My mom has been in a NH for 9 months now and she never lets me forget that she hates it. Even though, I know she does go to activities, would not be safe for her to be at home. We can only do what we can do and we can't beat ourselves up. We need to come to peace with the fact they are fed, cared for and we visit when we can. We cannot lose ourselves on the journey.
So, stop worrying. If she is clean, fed, warm and safe, that is what matters. It usually takes at least 2-3 months for them to settle in. My elderly aunt was CRANKY when she went into AL. She refused to participate in activities, complained about the food, etc. Now she has a group she dines with, she LIVES to bowl with the wii and has a group of ladies she plays UNO with a couple of times a week. And she talks about how good the food is, especially the breakfast.
I'm not going to be so rude as to guess your age, but if your mother is 94 and you and your husband are in need of a break, you are not being selfish if you take it.
I also don't mean this to be rude, but there you are trying everything you can think of to get your mother settled and content - and it's worse than it was. Ironically, your taking a break may be the most helpful thing you can do.
As long as you are confident that the ALF really is a good place, and seeing as your children are helpful and can act as liaison while you're away, then go.
Have you talked to the children about what you'd like them to do in your absence? Are they sharing the workload fairly, are they happy to step in?
STOP worrying about the things you can do nothing about. This is terrible for your health and if you are going to FL so you can worry about things you cannot change you will just be miserable in a different zip code.
As harsh as it may sound, she has had her life and time. It is your turn to enjoy the fruits of your labors. She is well cared for and it may just be that your constant presence is a hindrance to her adjusting.
Go enjoy your holiday and husband.
You and husband deserve time to yourselves. Let your girls handle visitation for now. I knew sisters that used to visit their Mom every day together. Eventually they took turns. Ask the staff to call one of the girls with any emergencies or just to tell them Mom fell but she is OK. Let ur girls decide whether its something you need to know. Enjoy your time away. One of my fears when we took care of Mom, was that something would happen to my husband and we hadn't had time to do what we wanted. We were 65 and 68 at the time caring for Mom 24/7.
Enjoy!
Worry never paid a bill
Worry never dried a tear
Worry never calmed a fear
Worry never darned a heel
Worry never cooked a meal
Worry never led a horse to water
Worry never done a thing you'd think it oughta.”
Let your kids help out and enjoy the vacation with your hubby, we never know how long we have with our mates. OH, my, I feel another saying coming up. I think I will quit while I am ahead.
Are you visiting frequently? If so, I'd advise that you cut down on the number of visits. Let several days pass between them or even a week. Let your mom get really adapted to the routines of the AL and develop some relationships. Also, ask a few of the staff how they think your mom is adjusting.
I was once having dinner with someone who was looking at our community for her mom. She kept looking over at a resident at another table who was laughing it up with five friends. I finally asked if she knew her. She said the woman was the mom of a friend and does nothing but complain to her daughter that she hates the place, has no friends, and mostly eats alone in her room.
ps – JOB ONE is protecting your own health and sanity! You need more than a break. You need a change in the steady state of things and if it means leaving your mom in good hands and limiting the amount of complaining you listen to, then do it.
You have done the right thing having her in a safe place. You have great children, so think about whether you would want their lives to be put on hold if the tables were turned.
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