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We put her in a very expensive board and care where she has been for over a year. She gets wonderful care though she is extremely difficult. Truly we did not think she would live this long. Owners have raised rates. Now 95 year old dad needs full time care and wants to stay in home. I’m completely overwhelmed even though we have several options. I have looked at less expensive facilities and am wracked with guilt for moving mom at this time though she’s not very cognizant. She recognizes me sometimes. Mostly she lives to eat and complain. But she needs and gets attention constantly where she is. That would not happen in cheaper community facility. They would not respond to her constant demands for care and attention. As she was always a demanding and self-centered person, I can’t sleep thinking of how awful it would be to downgrade her this late in life. Suggestions/advice/support/admonishment? I can take it. Just trying to do the right thing. Thanks for listening to this long post.

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Oh your answers give me so much peace. Thank you! I know you so get this situation. Yes, the long truly awful quality of my mom’s current life life of my mother is a constant stress. One I did not cause and can’t fix. I also remind myself daily that it is not I who chooses her number of days, as I pray that God will take her soon. Unlikely. My 95-year old dad, on the other hand, is sharp and funny and strong (before hip broke). He still engages in outside activities. We really want to keep him at home if we can. No, sadly he has no desire to be with Mom. She’s only a shell of her old self and blamed him for everything before we placed her, including her deteriorating mind. Thanks so much, all of you who understand. May God give us all strength, patience and compassion.
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Reply to Centone
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I'm assuming BOTH parents now require full time care, so they can't afford 2 rents at this expensive place, right? If so, you have nothing to feel guilty about and certainly nothing to be 'admonished' for.........?! How is it YOUR fault that such a thing has happened and that both of them are living so long AND needing care?

My mother is 93 later this month & living in Memory Care, exactly like your mother.........lives to EAT (a LOT) and complain 24/7. She can eat a truck driver under the table, truthfully........meaning she appears to be in no imminent danger of death. Her money will run OUT in about 18 months so I'll have to go thru the agony of applying for Medicaid & placing her in a Skilled Nursing home that won't pay half the attention to her she's getting now. What other choice do I have? She's wheelchair bound and has about 10 health issues (including 100% incontinence) which I cannot (and will not) handle in my home, so there's no other alternative.

We do our best for our parents and then we have to just let go and let God handle the rest, right?

Wishing you all the best.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Centone Jan 5, 2020
Thank you so much!! I will pray for you. It seems it’s just one tough decision after another. I admire your compassionate strength. The eating!!! Lol! Yeah I hear ya. I thought they were supposed to lose their appetites with this disease!
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So it is the fact that your FATHER now needs full time care that means your Mom needs a living situation that is less costly? I don't know what choice you have really. I am assuming both receive now palliative care only? Is there any chance that either qualifies for hospice care? Whatever way you move here you will blame yourself, and truly there IS no good way to go, and there is no "fix it " answer. I am so sorry for this dilemma. It is another case of our living way too long now, and for no good reason whatsoever. It is very sad.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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I am a bit confused, does father want to live with mother in the home?
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