My 92-year-old mother had a partner. His daughter was my friend from elementary school. Her father died and she covered it up. Convinced my mother that I am going to kill her, changed all the locks, gate code and swore the house staff to secrecy. I’m no longer allowed to visit if she is there. I honestly didn’t do anything except stand up to this friend and tell her to stop my uncle from speaking to my mother. I have an attorney but want to hear from other care givers about this behavior. I had a health proxy, now the friend holds it and won’t even talk to me. Very worried. I genuinely didn’t see this coming, as this friend has spent years complaining about how terrible and difficult my mother can be. Thank you for any advice
Good luck to you.
There may be a positive in this. When you're dealing with an elderly person and this type of situation, the behavior can change at the drop of a hat. The 'hero' might put too much milk in their tea one day, or may be sitting down for too long and is now lazy then they become the 'villian' who's stealing from them and trying to lock them up in a "home".
I would suggest you to talk to a lawyer that specializes in elder law and tell them exactly what's going on. Believe me, they hear this kind of thing every day and will best be able to advise you on what steps can be taken. A call to APS (Adult Protective Services) is also a good idea. It is illegal to isolate an elderly person from seeing their family.
I was a homecare CNA for 25 years before going into business, and I have seen your scenario too many times. A step-child or distant family relation gets in and isolates an elderly person from their family who normally sees them all the time and cares for them. Or it's a spouse or partner, usually much younger who does the same. Sometimes it can even be an outside, paid caregiver who is no relation. I don't know how good your mother is at 'showtiming' but tell APS that she may do this. Showtiming is when a senior can pass certain tests for dementia and seem lucid and in control for short periods of time. No doubt, this step-child will carefully coach your mother if there's going to be an APS social worker paying a visit. Tell them this and insist that they speak to her alone. It wouldn't hurt to stop by the local police station and ask the cops to do random and regular wellness checks on your mother. Tell them that your step-sibling has isolated your mother from seeing you and others.
I've called APS more than a few times myself when overhearing family talking to elderly clients and saying things like: 'X doesn't care about you. He's going to take your money and put you in a home. I love you and will take care of you.' Or 'Y is stealing from you and you can't trust her. She's going to take your house, your money, and put you in a home'. No one pays attention to domestic staff, but we hear everything.
Please call APS today and talk to someone there about what's going on with your mother. Make an appointment to have a consultation with an elder law attorney too. The first meeting is usually free. Good luck to you.
We also, here, are not informed of any dementia.
I suspect there is water flowing under the bridge too murky for us to see well enough to judge what's going on here.
Your claim that you did nothing but stand up to this ex-friend gives me pause. The friend was at that point a step-daughter to your Mom. You interferred by telling the current step-daughter that your Mom should be forbidden to see her own brother. Now, I can't know what THAT was all about, but clearly this is a blended family (Dr Laura calls that a bad salad, often enough) with very bad dynamics.
You mention nothing about your mother's competency to make her own decisions, but if she was competent to withdraw your proxy and appoint, instead, her step-daugter, that was her perogative.
Your attorney will represent you and will investigate that there is no apparent elder fraud perpetrated here. None of us--strangers that we all are to you and to your family trauma and drama--could hazard a guess as to what's happening here. But it sounds like you are handling it now with good solid legal advice, and that's the right way to go.
It all comes down to, is Mom competent to make her own decisions? If so, not much you can do about it. How do you know friend now has proxy? Did you get something from a lawyer saying yours was revoked?
https://www.consumerreports.org/cro/magazine/2013/01/protecting-mom-dad-s-money/index.htm?msockid=33223117a7a866c41f4625b3a6596795
I think it is always a red flag when family members are blocked form visiting.
This is exactly why my husband and I have a pact . No new partners move into our home after one of us dies . Any significant other has to be self supporting and have their own residence . We worked too hard for what we have. If anything is left it goes to our kids . If I’m the surviving spouse I would not live with a new partner, nor sign up for another potential caregiver role anyway.
Good Luck with a lawyer . I hope you get to see your Mom.