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She has not control over anything and complains that she feels horrible everyday. I have been to more ER's than I care to count and they can find nothing wrong with her except old age. How can I get her to go to assisted living?

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Sure you can, Moonbeam. Just abandon her to the state. Call 911 next time something is wrong and refuse to pick her up. They'll make sure she goes where she needs to, and you can still see her all you like. If you weren't there, that's what would happen anyway if she can't do for herself.
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thanks for the answers but I cannot bodily force her into the nursing home. please help any advise would be welcome.
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We had to wait until the hospital adnitted her. We had to wait it out with our 94 yo mother. But, once she got admitted to the hospital, they sent her to rehab and then, to a nursing home and then, assisted living. We just did not volunteer to help her live at home.

She is SO much better, now. We never dreamed that she would be satisfied in AL, but she is and is on meds, an antidepressant, bathing, walking, etc. I wonder if we she was just waiting for us to make the first move.

She cannot live at home, because she cannot get out of bed, by herself.

There was a lot of paperwork to do, during this time, but we had an adult grandson do that. It went easier that way. Medicare paid at first and now, her private long term health insurance is covering everything.
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Perhaps you can have her doctor advise her that assisted living would best meet her current needs. If she is depressed, discuss that with her MD. Older people often consider medication for depression a sign of being "crazy." My MIL tells me they put her sister in "the nut house" because she is in an Alzeimer's unit. They will not discuss their true feelings in fear. So it's easier if it is introduced just as " this will help you sleep better or ease your chronic pain." by her physician. I know several older people who function and feel much better with a very low dose of anti-anxiety medication. Talk to the MD. I think many older ones live in terror. Afraid of losing control and then afraid of dying. And both are inevitable.
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We have done the respite thing a couple of times for a week each time, and I told my mother I just had to have some time off and she could see whether she liked it. Some portion of the time she did like it, and I think we could have sold it as a regular stay part of each month, just to keep me sane. My mother's shrink talked to us about it and said it's a matter of what's sustainable. You can drive a caregiver nuts and exhaust their energy--and it's all over--or you can try to have a sustainable arrangement at least part of the time that can work long term. If you are losing your mind, I would tell your mom that you just don't have any choice, you can't go on the same way. You can still have her come home and stay sometimes, if that makes it any easier.

That is what we were planning to do with my mother, but looks like she needs a lot more than that now.
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tell her as an elder the two of you can have lunch there at a greatly reduced rate. pass it off as a community subsidy due to the impact of the recession. let on like all similar facilities are providing this service. she'll either enjoy the balanced meal and maybe make an aquaintance or two or she'll tell them their food tastes like crap on a crutch. ive eaten at one of those places so dont hold it against her if she goes the crap on a crutch route. i paid 5 bucks to have dinner with mom a few times and felt like it was 4 bucks too much.. gruel im sayin..
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Does your mother now live with you, or on her own?

What does she go to ERs for?

Your profile says she is depressed. Is she being treated for that?
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Unless you're planning on taking her kicking and screaming to the asst. living facility, then I guess you're going to have to talk her into the benefits. What about taking her to stay overnight in the respite room that most asst. living places offer? It could be a trial run, plus give you a break. Or if that's too radical for now, how about visiting one that you really like, and have a meal there. Most of them really like the perspective resident to do that, so the person can get a feel for it. Either way, at some point you're going to have to tell mom that this is the way it's gonna be. She has GOT to move out from under your roof, or your relationship with her is doomed.
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