How should I handle my 91 yr old dad's announcement he is getting married?

Marriage is a legal contract according to the law. Someone who has been deemed incompetent cannot enter into a legal contract. I think that's pretty straightforward. If you have DPOA and it is active, he cannot do anything legally without your ok.

I agree with your assessment...if he were to marry her he would financially have to care for her and his assets would be used...when he needs them for himself.

I don't envy your position but I urge you to stand strong and not allow this. He can't properly care for himself, he can't make this kind of decision.

Angel #2

You clearly have the reins in your hands and can prevent this marriage. While I usually advocate for seniors being allowed to persue romantic attachments in this case marriage would be out of the question. I can see that a 77 year old woman in poor health would find the idea very attractive and solve many of her own problems it would only add to yours. She thinks she can move in with dad and you will take care of her too.
This is going to be a tricky situation for you to handle without getting into a fight neither of you can win emotionally. For now I think I would simply play along with him. Ask him if they have set the date where the ceremony will be where they are going to live etc. You need to know what is actually going on so he can't slip away and do it on the sly. Does he still drive? have access to cash? Can you talk to this woman's relatives. it is not going to happen as you have the power to stop it so stay one step ahead of the game. Interested to hear how this plays out.

Just a follow-up on this nightmare situation. Dad spent almost 2 weeks just before Christmas in a behavioral health center attached to a hospital due to extreme confusion. The diagnosis is Alzheimer's type dementia which we were aware of but now it has progressed to where he has no short term memory and therefore cannot retain new information. Although, as this disease is not cut and dry, he remembers things I don't think he would and doesn't remember things I think he should.

He still wants to marry the 77 year old woman and doesn't think there is any reason he cannot. Thankfully, the marriage license he obtained with her coaching, has expired and she tells me she knows they cannot get married. However, I don't really trust her truthfulness as she has repeatedly lied. The relatives of this woman do not seem to have any influence over her by their own admission. They tell me I should just let them be happy.

Dad is no longer driving. His license was revoked by the state for medical reasons although he says it's because of his age. He's lost all interest in all his usual past times. His main activities are looking at his calendar and staring out the window. Dad and this woman call each other many, many times throughout the day and when I try to engage my dad in activities or take him to events he can't focus for fear he'll miss a call from her. I let his phone minutes run out once and the woman, during a visit, brought him another cell phone to use which he hid from me.

Once he called the police and told them he was being held hostage because I was unable to take him to visit her. Another time he walked over to the neighbors and asked them for a ride to her apartment. I have been told by the police that I cannot prevent her from visiting him even though he lives in my home and I cannot keep him under lock and key 24/7.

The fixation is strong and at this point I am looking at facilities where he can get the care he needs and can be kept safe. If she discovers where he is then the facility can supervise her visits. I am exhausted both emotionally and physically and cannot deal with this much longer.

Goodness, this is messy. I believe in senior romance, but this sounds more like obsession than love. Your father is not well, so I understand that he is stuck on the woman. People with Alzheimer's get stuck on ideas quite often. Does the woman also have dementia? She knows how things are, so I am wondering why she is persisting so. It would be nice if they could just be friends and maybe go to dances and share a hug or two without getting so serious.

Yiiiikes! My mother (now in a NH) with dementia and other health issues could always pull it together for a short time for outsiders ... it's "showtime". My father passed 15 years ago. He put her on a pedestal, gave her anything and everything she wanted but it was never quite good enough. A few years later, walking her dog in the park she tried to latch onto an elderly man who spent his winters down south but he said no, he wouldn't have her dogs along, though I suspect in reality he sensed how high maintenance she was.

You're in a dreadful position and I think you may be right in that she's just looking for someone to take care of her. Does she drive? Can she come get him, supposedly for an outing, and get married at a registry office? The memory care facility seems your best option but at the NH my mother is in (Canada) visitors can take residents out so long as they sign them out so that may not solve the problem.

I would suggest you contact your local elder social services for advice and keep a log of all his strange behaviour with dates. You might also contact your local Bar Association and see if they have attorneys who will provide a free half hour of legal advice so you know where you stand if somehow they sneak off and get hitched.

I would check with your lawyer to make sure the police are correct in that you can not prevent the woman from visiting. If it is your house surely you have control of who enters. If it is dads house that is a different matter. Has dad been declared incompetant by Drs. She may be telling the truth about not getting married now. Unless she is also completely demented too as she talks to him many times a day she must realize he is no longer thinking rationally and certainly would not be able to care for her. It sounds as though you still want him to remain at home so I guess you just have to be vigilant. If they are under your roof you know they are not running down the street and getting married. Don't worry about what they may or may not get up to in dad's room - they are both over 21 so give them some privacy If you cut him some slack you may find it all blows over. Maybe even invite her to join you on some outings then he won't be obsessing about phone calls. He's 91 he likes this woman so encourage them to a certain extent then he won't be so likely to try and get his way at all costs and fight you. As the saying goes there is more than one way of killing a cat.

Dad has been declared incomplete by two doctors. With our lawyer were going towards guardianship to prevent the marriage but did not have to complete that action. The facilities I've visited would put dad in a locked personal care / assisted living situation in order to protect themselves from him leaving to try and see her. The woman involved most likely does have dementia herself. Professionals observing her during visits while dad was in the behavioral center told me she does. The woman has accused me over and over again of only caring about my dad' money. She confuses him on this point. She tried to move in and I had our lawyer write a letter for her to remove herself and her belongings from our home. She called her son, he called the police and that's when I was told my dad can have whoever he wants over to visit or stay. We had converted our garage into an in-law suite for him so it is a complete apartment but it is attached to our home and on the same floor. When I refused to let her move in she said I was forcing my dad out of his home. He hears that and turns to me asking, "Why are you forcing me out of my home?" Away from her my dad and I are fine. After seeing her he is more confused than ever. He seems to be a puppet in her hands. I'm sure it is related to the dementia. But he is sure there is nothing wrong with him. The woman does know he has issues. But she does not understand the extent of it. She thinks he will wake up one day and not recognize him. I've tried to explain the stages he will go through but she seems to not be able to grasp it. I am trying to work on them having a healthy relationship by offering her to visit him twice a week and allowing him to visit her for a few hours on Sunday but she will not stick with the days I ask and I find it impossible to plan other events to engage my dad since he will not do anything if he thinks he's going to see her. I constantly have explained to her she cannot sleep over and she constantly ignores me and says my dad wanted her to. The issue there is I believe her family wouldn't hesitate to come after us if she was hurt while visiting and she also interferes with the schedule for my dad's medications. Hard to give him medicine while he still in bed with her. Yuck! He's worst than a hormonal teenager. It truly is a nightmare. I appreciate your comments. I have literally spent thousands of dollars on this issue and the only thing I can think of to do next is place him in a nice facility where he will meet other people and maybe even "fall in love" with a different woman so they can be under supervision.

By the way, I've also called our local Aging department and checked about Elder abuse which can be both physical and emotional but this does this woman's actions do not qualify. The woman does not drive but she takes the senior service bus system to visit. She tried to arrange a ride for my dad to visit her on the bus but I found out and now unless someone calls from my cell phone they will not provide a ride for him.

the woman might be a liability to your dad and he might not be right in the head but denying him his pursuit of happiness for any reason may not work out in front of a judge. ive read a bit about elders and courts and the elders self determination is a right that a good judge will defend , imo.. thats why a judge has the final say, those suckers are superhumanly brilliant, again, imo..

Exactly how is he going to manage to go through with this marriage? Drive himself, pick this lady up and head to the church or courthouse? How would he manage to move out by himself? Search for another place to live on his own, make all those arrangements on his own, pay the deposit and first months rent on his own? Is he going to rent a Uhaul and move all his stuff with his own hands? No? Then what the hell?

Also, I'm way confused...how did she GET her belongings into your home in the first place? I think I'd notice if someone moved into my own house!

The police said you can't prevent her from visiting him? How is that even possible? You don't have a choice who comes into your own home? You can't prevent people from coming onto your property if you don't want them there when your dad has been declared incompetent to make his own decisions? If he's been declared incompetent than your word should be law.

And what V said, too.