My mother moved in with me in April. She lived with my brother and his wife for 4 months until my brother called and begged me to come get her because she was mean to his wife. Before I brought her to my home she agreed that we would find assisted living for her but she doesn't remember saying that. She's had pneumonia in November and was in ICU for 2 weeks, broke her hip 2 years ago, has scoliosis and now been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. I live in a 2 story house. I've given up my bedroom and moved upstairs. She doesn't want to do anything but sit in front of the TV. I am self employed and work long hours from home which bothers her. Evidently my job sucks. She is financially secure and can easily afford assisted living but gets upset when discussion comes up. I'm becoming depressed and want my simple life back but I know I would feel sorry for her if I made her move and feel so guilty. It's difficult to discuss medical issues with her because all the doctors are stupid. She doesn't want to live alone. I have 4 brothers and sisters and mom made sure our life was miserable for everyone growing up so it's not like we had a loving relationship before. My dad did anything to appease her and keep peace. I don't know how much longer I can do this!

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She throws a fit because it works.

She needs to move, she agreed whether she remembers or not.

I would flat out tell her that the only reason she was allowed to move in was because of that agreement, now it is time to get busy.

If she throws a fit, use it against her, see I refuse to allow this behavior in my house.

Find 2 places and give her the options, place a or place b. Move her and let her do whatever she wants from there.

She set you up and you are completely within your rights to make her abide to the agreement.

No guilt, you are not her little kid to bully and manipulate. You are a grown up with a life that she is not entitled to hijack.
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I know how much longer you can do this... not much longer!!! Your mom sounds like a very difficult personality - one that you and your family have suffered with for a very long time. Dare, I say, probably narcissistic mother... who has done alot of damage to her family and now has turned her sights onto making sure you didn't miss out on your share of abuse!

I would have a family meeting (without mom) with the siblings to see you can garner any support to advance a plan for nursing home assisted living placement. Now reading the comments I can see your sister is already alienated, she has had enough of the narcissist's abuse. Your mom has really damaged your sister beyond redemption, and likely she too far gone for any interest from her, and I don't blame her!. Your mom has proven time after time in the comments section that she will throw a fit to get her way - so she is no longer suitable for a family meeting.

Who holds POA for decision making? I ask this because clearly your mother is not cognitively competent to make good decisions "doctors are idiots" etc... This is a very typical story of a very difficult person making their children's lives a misery. POA's need to be organised and everyone get on the same train for making a decision about your mom. Be clear with your family that you will not care for her any longer. Just be blunt and clear. People love shifting responsibility as long as it's not them having the nervous breakdown. Find out who wants or is POA and decide something without you in the picture.

Then decide a plan. Respite is often a very good way of creating a plan forward. Often a parent will realise they cannot return home when they see how many "slaves" aka nursing home staff are available at their beck and call. Definitely try and do this. You can take a holiday away for a couple of weeks forcing a respite option. Then, get all the paperwork in place for permanent placement.

Good luck!
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What most people do not realize is that Assisted Living is not a nightmare. It's not a place to throw your loved ones out, and to make their lives a living hell. Instead, it's a place where they get 3 hot meals a day. A place where they get a lovely apartment and help with everything & anything they need. A place where they get to socialize with other elders and play cards. Or watch movies. Or play bingo. Or go on outings in the little community bus; ie: drives in the mountains, or to restaurants, or to see plays, or to see Christmas lights in December, etc. etc. It's a place where they can gather to play bridge with the new friends they've made. It's a place where they have things to do which they DO NOT have in your home. That's why your mother sits in front of the TV set all day; because there is nothing else to do. Go out and see some ALFs in your area; talk to the RESIDENTS to determine whether THEY are happy campers living there. If they are, then you're good to go. You can then take your mother to 2 different places & let her choose one. She will be happier in the long run, and so will you. You can take your life back and she can CREATE a new life for herself.

Both my parents were placed in Assisted Living back in 2014 after dad fell & broke a hip. They have been perfectly happy living the new lifestyle ever since (dad passed in 2015). Mom is now in the Memory Care portion of the same ALF since she's gone downhill after suffering a stroke in October. They take excellent care of her there and will continue to do so on a daily basis, which gives me comfort and it gives HER comfort as well. She's not having to wake ME up 4x a night to go to the bathroom, she's paying others instead. It's a win-win situation for all of us.
Best of luck!
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kathy60c Jul 2019
Hello, and thank you for your response. Unfortunately, my mom has NO interests...never has. We sat her down as a family (again) to discuss assisted living and she threw a fit (again). We are just trying to put her away, she has her own money and will move (but doesn’t, it’s not mentioned again). She constantly says she doesn’t want to be a burden (?). Honestly she is and has never been a happy person so you can imagine what she’s like now. It’s taken me many years to get to a good place after a miserable childhood and I feel getting depressed. If there’s something I reminder her about that she has forgotten she's snaps and tells me she remembers everything. I’m trying my best but I’m tired of walking on eggshells and feeling like I have to sit in front of the TV with her. My sister lives nearby but doesn’t offer much help because she has a lot of resentment towards her.
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From what you say you actually can't do this any longer. If she doesn't want to live alone, assisted living is a good place for her. Make arrangements. Show her what's available for her. It's your home and she can be told that she can no longer live there. She doesn't even need to know the reasons. Get all brothers and sisters in on the agreement. If no one has POA it might get tricky. Others on this site will know about that issue.
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You basically have two choices. Give up your life for her, or have her go into the placement that she can afford, visit as often as you can. This isn't a choice, this is the ONLY choice. Is it nice? No. Is it happy? No. Will you be made to feel guilty? Either by herself or by your own judgement upon yourself for not being a Saint? Yes. Will you cry and suffer? Yes. Will she? Yes. I cannot say often enough to people, not everything has a happy answer jiggling out there that you just have to grab like a brass ring. Some things in life are not happy. Not every situation can be fixed. This is life and life is often sad. We often feel inadequate and never so much as in the care of our children and of our parents. I couldn't be more sorry. YOU couldn't be more sorry. SHE couldn't be more sorry. We are all sorry, but that doesn't change it. You cannot do "everything to appease her and keep peace". I just read Kate Mulgrews harrowing memoir of caring for her Mom with Alzheimer's; her mom lived FIVE YEARS with this and she admits at the end there was not one happy moment. It tore apart her entire family. I am sorry. I don't see the choice in this unless you want to lay down your life to it. I am so very sorry; please do not expect feelings and tears to go away. Accept and honor them; they are real, and only DECENT PEOPLE FEEL THEM.
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