My 90 year old Mom is in a small assisted living not too far from our relatively rural home. The facility has 16 rooms, so it is not over-crowded, and she has as much attention as she wants. She is always very sweet to the staff, and they have taken good care of her. She doesn't join in any activities because she doesn't like them. She stays in her room and reads and plays games on her tablet. She is on hospice after a broken pelvis after a fall, but is healed and I could probably remove her from hospice care. She gets all her medical care from visiting physicians, so I do not have to take her for appts all the time. Now she insists the place is awful and she wants to move (she did the same thing MANY times while in independent living, and I always moved her when she wanted to move. She hates the food, and doesn't like the activities wherever she has ever been. During the Thanksgiving holiday, the hospice was short staffed, and sent a woman to shower the women and a man to shower the men. The man accidentally was given the wrong room number and went in her room. As soon as he went in and saw she was female, he apologized. At that time, the woman came in to shower her. They had a short discussion outside the bathroom while my Mom was showering about the number of patients left to be showered. My mom is convinced the man stayed the whole time peeking in the door while she showered (good grief!). Now she is very angry with me because I wasn't immediately outraged, and says I always take their side. I finally said we would look for another assisted living in January, because I have a lot to deal with this month with my chronically ill 39 year old daughter, who needs a lot of help. This made her even madder, and she hung up on me twice (not so dramatic on a cell phone). She thinks she could live in Independent Living - I told her she could not - they would not take her in Independent living because she requires too much assistance. This made her even angrier so she just told me not to bother, that she will just never be happy. That part is true - she will never be happy no matter what anyone does. I guess she wants me to drop everything else and move her now. I am at my wit's end with her. We had planned three activies with her in December. Go over, bring her dinner and set up her Christmas tree and Nativity set, take her to the mall (wheelchair) to see the Christmas lights and drive around to see the Christmas lights outside (three different activities). I find myself having no patience with her, though I think I hide it pretty well. If I move her in December, that will be it - no trips around town. I have had it with moving her from place to place searching for happiness that she will never find. I guess I am just venting...
I hope you can see you're doing all the right things, including your lovely outings to support mom, but she will never be the person she remembers being - vibrant, active and in charge of her life - so she's perpetually unhappy. Love her, support her, but don't even think about trying to meet her demands. It will not improve her happiness.
I wish you peace as you work through this, and I hope the answers you see here will help you feel understood and appreciated for doing a great job in trying circumstances. You're a wonderful, caring daughter.
I could've put my mother up in Buckingham palace and she'd have been complaining 24/7. It wasn't my job to make her happy, however. Happiness is an inside job and she chose to dwell in misery. Not my problem. A 39 year old daughter with chronic health issues warrants your attention a whole lot more than an entitled elder, that's for sure.
Best of luck to you.
You already know the answer.
This is just the way it is now, and as you said --she will never be happy. This is just the litany you have to live with.
If you need to lie to her, then lie to her. Tell her you have checked out a few places, they are smelly, the food looks awful and the staff seems uncaring. That in your opinion she is in the best place you can find for her, and this is how it is gonna be.
She'll be unhappy.
So, what's new?
My brother was in ALF for one and one half years before he died. A proud, private, and almost monk-like guy, it was an affront to his very being to be in a whole host of different folks with different opinions. He amazed me with the grace of his acceptance that this was how it had to be. He would kind of make jokes out of the fact that the favorite pass-time was to sit in the gazebo, discussing various ills, and watching the hearses and ambulances come and go. That it was like a commune in that they had to have daily meetings about whether the shades should be up so Ima could do her drawing in the communcal room or down so there was no glare on Irene's television program. He said "Hon, it's a bit like when I was young and in the army. I didn't much like it but I made the best of it".
I know full well that much of this was a song and dance choreographed to comfort me.
Your mom just isn't a choreographer!
You'll just have to accept that, give her your sympathy over yet another corndog lunch with canned peas, and get on with your life. The end of life isn't pretty. I am 83. I can attest to that. We can laugh or cry about it. Your mom just is refusing to go gently into that good night.
Talk to her doctor(s) about medication for anxiety and/or depression. Even a small dose might make a difference.
When you visit with her, if she gets angry, leave. If you're talking to her, if she gets angry, end the call. You don't have to respond angrily. Just end things so she doesn't have the opportunity to get herself riled up, and so she doesn't feel entitled to complain endlessly to you. You said she is always sweet with the staff, so she'll return to that when she doesn't have you as her target. It's an unfortunate reality that so many elderly use the adult child who is doing the most for them as a target.
She may be perfectly content or even happy when you aren't there for her to complain to. I always say it's like the child who cries about going to school but when you see them in their classroom, they're engaged and fine.
If she wants to move she can move herself. My neighbor's 95 and 96 year old parents move themselves out of assisted living into a regular apartment because they did not life the food. He did not facilitate the move or assist. He had been very active in all previous moves.
Start letting her calls roll into voice mail and screen your calls. Keep using your 39 year old daughter as an excuse. If she hangs up, she hangs up.
Concentrate on your daughter.
Her desire to move to the another floor of Assisted Living was NOT warranted. Mom's gripe was that she wanted to be on a different floor and in a bigger apartment.
Every move so far had been hell in its own way. I was exhausted from all of her demands and was determined that the only further move *I* was going to participate in was to Memory Care.
She kept insisting on moving to the other floor, so I started agreeing that she was more than welcome to move if she could do it by herself.
Being able to say, "Sure, Mom, you can move if you want to. Let me know your new apartment number when you get settled!" was perfect, since it removed me from the equation every time she brought it up. (Of course, she was unable execute a move by herself.)
That was 3 years ago. I moved her to Memory Care 1 year ago. We are all done, now, with moving.
It looks like you have nothing to gain and lots to lose if you move her again. I finally told mother if she wanted to move she could arrange it herself but I was not helping. About this time her vascular dementia really kicked in and she eventually got medication which helped.
You have too much on your plate to even consider another move - which, as you say, won't solve anything.
You are in charge here, your mother isn't or shouldn't be. Her needs are well met where she is . Moving again is a "want" not a "need" and, in fact, won't solve any problems for her, but will make problems for you.
How to handle conveying that to her? You know her best. You can just redirect her -change the conversation, you can confront her and say it isn't happening, that she is well cared for where she is or whatever feels best to you. Just stick to your guns and don't let her anger manipulate you to doing what she wants you to.
I know it is stressful and difficult. Put yours and your daughter's needs higher up on your priorities that your mother's . She is fine as she is, even if she doesn't like it. That's her problem, not yours. (((((hugs)))) BTDT.
Don't talk to her in the afternoons, as she is probably Sundowning. Allow her calls to go to voicemail and screen them for actual needs. Delete any that are angry rants -- no need to listen to them. If you do talk to her, and she fixates on moving, tell her she will need to demonstrate all her ADLs to the doctor and then the doctor will reassess whether she can move to another AL (not IL). Then change the subject to something unrelated and pleasant or neutral.
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