My MIL has thrown out 9 different aides that were assigned to work for her. Her physical health has also deteriorated greatly over the same 6-month period; she's used a wheeled walker for over a year now, when she does walk. Her sense of balance has worsened terribly.
I guess what I need to ask is what can we do (we being her two grown children and their spouses, 3 of whom work full-time - one of which has a heart condition and one who is disabled)? Her mobility is poor, she's incontinent, she refuses an aide, she refused her doctor's visit with her neurologist, and she now has started to become even more agitated and nasty with all family members... not just one of her children whom she loves to use as a punching bag.
Her laundry is done every week, along with fresh linens being put on her bed; grocery shopping is done every week along with cleaning the bathroom, cleaning the kitchen, the bedroom and living area. Her small patio gets swept every week to every other week.
The four of us are drowning in responsibilities. Of course my MIL should receive the best care possible, but the four of us have been doing this for a year and one half and we have responsibilities to our own families and to ourselves as individuals.
There aren't sufficient funds for an AL situation and while I know I'm not a doctor, it seems she would need more help than is offered at an AL facility.
Any ideas you may have are appreciated. Thanks.
What she should have is the best care that’s possible for all of you involved. Not for four of you to hurl yourselves into an early grave to make her situation, which sucks, one pale sliver better. Focus on the least worst compromise that gets everyone involved the closest to what they need.
By the way when you do get her placed somewhere there will be PLENTY for you all to do and worry about. It’s not “abandon and forget”, so take that into consideration because you don’t want to wait until you’re so burned out you can’t deal with that.
With my Mom, she had 20k in assets. I placed her into Long term care and that 20k paid for 2 months. That gave me time to apply to Medicaid and get them info needed. By the third month, Medicaid had started paying.
My mom was kind & funny until vascular dementia set in. Totally different personality, thought we were poisoning her, didn’t want anyone coming in to help, very difficult. But it was because of her broken brain/vascular situation, not her thinking she was Queen bee.
She should no longer be living alone.
You, her family should not be enabling her to make decision like this.
She either has a full time, caregiver or several in shifts OR she is placed in a Memory Care facility that can meet her care needs.
She will not be happy with either decision but this is not up to her.
The choice of fulltime caregiver or a facility is one that her POA makes.
If the option is a facility then she is placed, the house is sold to pay for as much care as that will cover then an application for Medicaid is done. (Make sure the facility that you select initially is one that accepts Medicaid so you do not have to move her)
She doesn't feel she needs aides because she imagines you will continue to provide for her every need. Stop cleaning, shopping, and doing her laundry.
Does anyone have medical POA for her? If not, you can all step back and allow her to fail at living on her own. She will then have to make some hard choices, either die alone in her home in filth, hire housecleaners and/or personal care aides, or find a suitable nursing home which will be covered by Medicaid if she lacks the funds. The family does not pay for any of this.
One other option you have, but it's not ideal, is to call APS (Adult Protective Services) and tell them she is not able to take care of herself in her home, and the family is unable to care for her. If APS finds that she is unsafe, they will pursue a court appointed guardian who will make the decisions regarding her care.
If any one of you have POA, then it is that person's responsibility to ensure she is getting the care she needs, is safe and healthy, but it does NOT mean you have to be the hands on provider, and it does not mean the family needs to go in weekly and clean her home, make her bed, do her laundry, sweep her porch, and bring her groceries!
if she took care of all the tasks you listed, for all of her kids, that is a big difference from a Mom who was selfish and neglectful. Only you guys know if she really loved you, or was just a user.
If, she was a good Mom, then do your best for her. If not, it is understandable, and you can only do so much.
best of luck to you all. 🙏🍀❤️
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