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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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88 year old mother moved in with us 8 months ago. Her mind is very sharp. However, she is not bathing regularly and needs to use adult diapers. How do I talk to her about these issues?
Is her bathroom set up so that she feels safe in it? A step-in shower with a seat, rather than a bathtub she can't climb over and into, and with a slippery floor? A handheld attachment for the water spray?
You might check at Care.com for an aide to come in for an hour or two twice a week or so, to help her with this, if she feels too self-conscious to have you assist her.
If she's still able to get to the bathroom for bowel movements, you could get her washable absorbent underwear designed for urinary leaks, as an in-between step toward using diapers full-time.
Hopefully she'll welcome a tactful intervention. Think about when you needed her guidance on bras and periods. I wish you well and hope she'll be receptive to you.
The diaper issue is simple. Take away all her other knickers and replace them with diapers. It doesn’t need a discussion.
The bathing issue is a bit more complicated. Does she smell? If she doesn’t (except perhaps for continence smells, which the diapers should sort out), then she is cleaning herself adequately, whether or not she ‘bathes’. A basin, soap and water, and a face washer can do a wipe over that keeps you clean, without the trials of a shower or a bath.
Her mind isn't sharp. In fact, she's showing symptoms of dementia or some other mental problem.
Dementia isn't only memory problems. It's also lack of executive function (not being able to figure out that she needs to bathe or how to do it or unable to solve the problem when she no longer understands what the problem is). Dementia has to do with being unable to adapt to change, not being able to follow multi-step instructions, not understanding safety risks, etc.
Be prepared for the worst, and it can develop fast. It's very hard to take care of someone with these issues in the home, so look into managed care facilities so you can have an alternate plan. Keep in mind that she won't get better, only worse.
Do you have your bathroom set up to make it easy for her? Is there an accessible shower or a transfer bench to help her use the tub? Are there grab bars, a sturdy shower chair, a hand held shower wand that is mounted low enough to reach from a seated position? If the floor of the tub/shower is slippery do you have a mat/decals to alleviate that? Is your bathroom warm enough? Having an automatic bidet or a hand held bidet wand can help keep things fresh and clean down below. Also people that have incontinence might smell a little, even those who wash regularly, especially if they are reluctant to change often because of the expense of the pads and pullups.
Have you asked her about this? How do you talk to her about it? You plunge right in and ask. She may be afraid of falling. Valid concern. She may need help and is afraid, ashamed to ask for the help she needs. She may seem "sharp" but that may be a front and she truly does not recall all the steps to taking a shower. This may be frightening and shameful for her.
If you are going out for lunch or dinner you tell mom she has to shower before she goes. If she has a doctors appointment. ."Mom, you have to shower today" If she has an appointment to get her hair done.. "Mom, you have to shower today" She does not have to shower daily but she should do a "bird bath". You will have to invade her privacy a bit more for this next... Is she cleaning herself thoroughly after toileting? You may have to monitor that as well.
I discovered that my then 90 year old mom was not bathing regularly. A walk-in shower had been installed just for her, but she refused to use it. She and my dad were living alone at the time, and I (her only daughter) found out during one of my visits from out of town that she had not bathed in months. I just happened to stay after the holiday was over. The decorations were put away, and my parents resumed what had become their normal life, of not taking care of themselves.
My mom appeared clean, however, because she was still going to her weekly hair salon appointment. So when we visited her, she looked completely normal. She "presented" as normal. She smiled. She ate. She laughed.
However... she was struggling with depression at the time, and signs of dementia were showing. She and my dad assured my siblings and me that they were fine. But further investigation exposed what was really happening in their home. When she didn't have visitors, she was sleeping all day long, never changing her clothes, sleeping in her clothes, never bathing. But still managing to get her hair done at the salon.
Soon we moved them out of their home and got care for them.
But the trick with my mom was having a caregiver help her. She flat out refused my help in any aspect of hygiene, except for her nails. She let me do her nails, but her toenails were another story. Absolute neglect, but no one saw her toes when she had visitors... She simply was not taking care of herself, but was able to conceal it.
I also looked in her dresser and noticed well worn undergarments that she would have thrown out had her mind been sharp. It was a process, but I replaced her underwear without telling her, simply by throwing out the old and putting in new. Soon the same was done with pink Depends. It took a while but she got used to it. At first she would put the Depends in the laundry basket.
So a female caregiver helped with bathing--again it was a slow process--but I feel that my mom was more comfortable with a non family member.
This is a challenging situation. I hope you find what works for you and your family.
If moms mind is very sharp, she'd be bathing regularly and you'd have no need to speak to her about hygiene. When using adult disposable briefs, regular bathing is a necessity to stay fresh. Ask her if she needs help in the shower, or if there's something preventing her from wanting to shower? Like it's too cold in the bathroom, Fear of falling, etc. Then you can remedy the issue.
Tell her bathing 2x a week is required to live in your home, otherwise she'll need to move into Assisted Living.
I'd also get her to the doctor for a full medical and cognitive workup. One of the hallmark symptoms of dementia is disdain for bathing.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
You might check at Care.com for an aide to come in for an hour or two twice a week or so, to help her with this, if she feels too self-conscious to have you assist her.
If she's still able to get to the bathroom for bowel movements, you could get her washable absorbent underwear designed for urinary leaks, as an in-between step toward using diapers full-time.
Hopefully she'll welcome a tactful intervention. Think about when you needed her guidance on bras and periods. I wish you well and hope she'll be receptive to you.
The bathing issue is a bit more complicated. Does she smell? If she doesn’t (except perhaps for continence smells, which the diapers should sort out), then she is cleaning herself adequately, whether or not she ‘bathes’. A basin, soap and water, and a face washer can do a wipe over that keeps you clean, without the trials of a shower or a bath.
Dementia isn't only memory problems. It's also lack of executive function (not being able to figure out that she needs to bathe or how to do it or unable to solve the problem when she no longer understands what the problem is). Dementia has to do with being unable to adapt to change, not being able to follow multi-step instructions, not understanding safety risks, etc.
Be prepared for the worst, and it can develop fast. It's very hard to take care of someone with these issues in the home, so look into managed care facilities so you can have an alternate plan. Keep in mind that she won't get better, only worse.
I hope for the best for both of you.
Also people that have incontinence might smell a little, even those who wash regularly, especially if they are reluctant to change often because of the expense of the pads and pullups.
She may be afraid of falling. Valid concern.
She may need help and is afraid, ashamed to ask for the help she needs.
She may seem "sharp" but that may be a front and she truly does not recall all the steps to taking a shower. This may be frightening and shameful for her.
If you are going out for lunch or dinner you tell mom she has to shower before she goes.
If she has a doctors appointment. ."Mom, you have to shower today"
If she has an appointment to get her hair done.. "Mom, you have to shower today"
She does not have to shower daily but she should do a "bird bath".
You will have to invade her privacy a bit more for this next... Is she cleaning herself thoroughly after toileting? You may have to monitor that as well.
My mom appeared clean, however, because she was still going to her weekly hair salon appointment. So when we visited her, she looked completely normal. She "presented" as normal. She smiled. She ate. She laughed.
However... she was struggling with depression at the time, and signs of dementia were showing. She and my dad assured my siblings and me that they were fine. But further investigation exposed what was really happening in their home. When she didn't have visitors, she was sleeping all day long, never changing her clothes, sleeping in her clothes, never bathing. But still managing to get her hair done at the salon.
Soon we moved them out of their home and got care for them.
But the trick with my mom was having a caregiver help her. She flat out refused my help in any aspect of hygiene, except for her nails. She let me do her nails, but her toenails were another story. Absolute neglect, but no one saw her toes when she had visitors... She simply was not taking care of herself, but was able to conceal it.
I also looked in her dresser and noticed well worn undergarments that she would have thrown out had her mind been sharp. It was a process, but I replaced her underwear without telling her, simply by throwing out the old and putting in new. Soon the same was done with pink Depends. It took a while but she got used to it. At first she would put the Depends in the laundry basket.
So a female caregiver helped with bathing--again it was a slow process--but I feel that my mom was more comfortable with a non family member.
This is a challenging situation. I hope you find what works for you and your family.
Tell her bathing 2x a week is required to live in your home, otherwise she'll need to move into Assisted Living.
I'd also get her to the doctor for a full medical and cognitive workup. One of the hallmark symptoms of dementia is disdain for bathing.
Best of luck to you.