Wheelchair bound mother (87 years-old) wants to move from apt with stairs to one without. 89-year-old father said we cannot move her.

Ask stubborn Dad who will get your Mom out and down the stairs in case of a fire?

Over his dead body? What exactly is his reason for keeping her in such a risky and dangerous situation? Let's see a selfish 89 year old try to stop you.

Move your Mom yourselves, and he will have to follow....after he swallows some stupid pride.

Thanks to Alva & others I see this a little differently now. Not one stubborn elder but a sight impaired man's needs vs a wheelchairbound woman's needs.

I see danger in interfering.
Becoming one parent's rescuer at the expense of the other could cause much damage to relationships.

New idea. Marriage councelling for the parents. Yes, even in their late 80s.

Mother is talking about living separately & this will effect them both - especially if the Father cannot live alone/cope without her.

I wonder if they can afford 2 homes? Or will the kids be helping with the rents?

If your mother doesn't suffer from dementia, is of sound mind, then it is her decision. Not yours. Not your father's. If both parents of of sound mind, it is not your place to make such a devisive decision for them. You can only make the offer and if she accepts, you can help her with the move. Let her do the explaining as to why she is moving to your father. Let her be the one to worry about your father. You are only there to carry out her wishes. If she can't, unless there is real abuse going on, then she should stay. It should be on her to make the move reality. My opinion as an old married lady :) Blessings.

if your mother wants to move, move her! Your dad can stay there alone.

Its dangerous for her to be where she can’t get out in an emergency.

Has your father always been abusive?

Id be concerned that mom will change her mind at the last minute because of your dad .

She is saying she wants to move but does she really understand the reality of the situation?

My mom would of defended my ornery dad to her death.

But I do believe if you can get mom to move, your dad will be right behind her.

Good luck, I'm so sorry, I'm sure you want both of your parents in a better environment, and i understand how hard this is. You just want the best for them, but sometimes the best is to let them live the life they want to live.

Thinking about this again, if F is nearly blind, he already knows his way around the current place ‘blindfold’. He may be quite scared about the idea of being in a different place where he is ‘lost’. Can you think of a way to help with this issue? Perhaps set up a lego model he can touch? Or any other ideas?

You kids are going to interfere in a marriage of an 87 year old and an 89 year old?
I can only wish you good luck.

I think what you are doing is going to be/may be divisive. At this point you are going to decide which parent to punish for their disability due to aging? You will make a blind dad who knows his way around a home they have been in this long, and that is OK, but it isn't OK that a mom in a w/c is up stairs? I don't get it. If this is about EMS they will have her on a stretcher and have no problem at all getting her out; they do this all the time.

Likely they BOTH should be in assisted living, but if they are happy at home and can be maintained there until one of them passes I would stay out of this. Make it as nice as you can for mom given her disabilities but don't interfere and cause dissention in a marriage would be my advice.

I sure wish you the best of luck with coming to compromise, but I would start with being more quiet about this issue were it me.

Sigh. Stubborn. But what's behind it. Fear? Control? Anger? Umm.. Dementia??

Do you want to *convince* your Father? Or are you done with trying & want to make it happen?

For *convincing* get ready for your *campaign*. Choose your style & let him have it. Everyday. Don't let up. Wear him down.

The cheeky:
"he said over his dead body"
OK. Sure. Can you hurry up so I can make the arrangements? Next Tuesday works for me.

If a Kenny Rogers fan: sing to him
Know when to hold 'em.
Know when to fold 'em.
Know when to walk away.. (or in this case, fall down the dang stairs)

Stiff Upper Lip:
Take a firm stance. Look him in the eye. Tell him to do the common sence thing & make the best of it.

Challenge his thinking skills:
Ask him to tell you exactly how staying in a home with stairs, for an elderly couple such as themselves is better? How it is safer?

Empathy & Hope:
Yes change can be hard. Ask if he has fears about moving? Ask if you can talk about them? Work through them together as a family.

If your Mom moves, your Dad will follow. If he doesn't follow, consider that he has dementia, since "extreme and irrational" stubbornness and lack of empathy for others are early symptomatic behaviors. If this happens, he needs to be diagnosed. And maybe consider he's the one who needs a different level of care.

Mom’s not a prisoner unless she chooses to be. She can move anytime she chooses and I’d hope she does. Bet dad comes along once he sees he’s not getting his way

Your mother can make up her own mind. She is not a prisoner. I presume that your profile is not correct in saying that she is in ‘Assisted Living’, which wouldn’t make sense.

‘Over my dead body’ from F doesn’t make much sense either. Does he think that this is about ‘putting her in a home’, old-style? Or is caring for M his sole justification for living? If he is largely deaf and blind, have you actually explained it all to him in a way he can understand? Can F care for himself without M being there? When you have got her moved, can you take him to visit? Can you show him photos or a video of her in the new place?

And ...does F have dementia? Be careful that he doesn't throw himself down the stairs if and when she is carried down. Perhaps have someone ready to stay with him for a while after she leaves.

Sounds like spousal abuse to me. If she’s of sound mind and wants to move, move her asap.

What's a half blind half deaf old fool going to do to stop you?