My Mom is 86 Years old and I believe she has Alzheimer's Dementia but she refuses to see a Neurologist for evaluation stating she's not an invalid. She has been on a major cover up of all her "slip ups" for some years. She has been living with me for about 2 yrs and has known from the very start I do not tolerate smoking in my home. However, I have caught her in the act and she will stand there and lie about it! I caught her this week again and finally stated to her that she will need to go to assisted living because she has caused me unrelenting stress and health issues. She is fully aware that I have asthma and that I regard her vape AND cigarette second hand smoke that is deadly to me. I am 63 yrs old and quit smoking when I was 28 and unwilling to put up with this in my home. How do I get her to stop smoking and also to get her to agree to evaluation?

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How does she get her cigarettes?  Who is buying for her.
Helpful Answer (1)

Have you provided a reasonable space for her to smoke instead of inside your home? If she's a smoker then it is unreasonable to expect her not to smoke or to smoke in rain, wind, extreme cold, etc. My SIL had mobility issues following a stroke so I constructed a small shelter on one corner of my concrete front porch. A simple wood frame with a roof, a couple of manual vents, and screens for warmer months and acrylic inserts for the winter. I even ran a small ceramic heater in there during the coldest weather. I'm not a very nice person according to some people in my family because _no_ _one_ smokes in or around my home or autos. I have a small open shelter with a roof on a remote corner of my property for smokers, but my SIL couldn't make it there following her stroke so she and she alone was allowed to smoke in the porch shelter.

It's also unreasonable to expect someone with dementia to behave in a reasonable fashion. You probably need to take her smoking materials and only give them to her when she's in your designated smoking area. If possible, this may be a good time for her to transition to patches or gum and then reduce the levels until she's not addicted. I know of one senior who has a vape without the battery even after he doesn't use patches anymore. AL may be the only real option given the dementia.
Helpful Answer (4)

This is a difficult situation in light of the fact that the country is mostly on lock down.

Have you looked at any Assisted Living faculties near you? I'd call some and get brochures so that you can have some idea of what is available and what the prices are.

Are you POA for mom's finances? Do you know what her finances look like and what she can afford?

Have you been in touch with an Eldercare attorney to get these matters sorted?

Tobacco is an addiction and I'm sure you remember how hard it is to quit. Have you offered any accommodations like allowing her to go outside to smoke? Have you and she spoken to her doctor about patches and other ways of getting her to quit?

Have you looked into the process of eviction in your state and locality?

You need to look into all of the above in order to have a good plan once ALs are again accepting new residents.

You don't have to get her to agree. You are in charge of who lives in your home. If she can't or won't abide by the house rules, sensibly set to protect your health, then she needs to reside elsewhere.
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