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I searched for some online help and ended up here. I am so grateful to find this community. I have read many of the situations here, but I did not find one quite like mine. In August of 2016, my 18-year-old left for college. Later that month, my 83-year-old mother began to spend her nights at my house in my absent daughter's room, because my mother's roommate was in the hospital and she didn't want to be alone at night. Logistically, that worked because I lived just a few minutes from her. In November the friend died and Mom moved in permanently, using my daughter's room as a temporary place. In December, my daughter came home and being the sweet child that she is, she was happy to give up her room and sleep on the couch for her grandmom. However, during my daughter's stay, my mother's behavior became increasingly disruptive and by Christmas and New Year we felt like we were in a war zone. My mother was combative, everyone was against her, no one loved her, a lot of her problems seemed to center around meal times. She claimed she wasn't eating like everyone else and it just was not true. And she did not like the fact that my daughter got attention from others because she was home for the holidays. Mind you, everyone went out of their way to make Grandma feel loved and happy and included, but the more everyone tried the more combative she became. Once my daughter went back to school, viola, the world was right again and my mother calmed down. I took her to a neurologist, they said she was fine after doing the blood work, MRI and x-ray workup. In an attempt to fix things, I had the bright idea of moving my family to a home where everyone would have a room and so, between January and April, I did the impossible. I found the perfect house in the perfect neighborhood and we moved. Mom was so happy with her new room. She got the bed she wanted, she got the furniture she wanted, she could decorate her own room the way she wanted. All was well. We were happily in the house for 2 weeks and my daughter was scheduled to come home the next day. As I hurried to put some order to my daughter's new room, my mother began ranting, "Why are you doing that?" "She can do that herself." "You are doing too much." "She needs to do more than just sit and look pretty." "Stop moving furniture by yourself." "You are just stupid and crazy." I was shocked and appalled at my mother's actions. By the next day when my daughter actually arrived, my mother had completely reverted back to Christmas Grandma, only this time she was worse. Nothing was good enough, no one loved her, the dog even turned against her in her eyes. She ranted and raved, hollered and screamed, cried, slammed doors and wouldn't eat at times. I mean she turned into someone who I could not stand to be around. I have never talked disrespectfully to my mother and I told her finally to "SHUT UP!" My daughter, who is the sweetest child on the planet, could not understand why her grandmother appeared to hate her presence. I had told her how well Grandma had adjusted to the new place, only for her to come home and find her acting like a lunatic. Grandma never stopped ranting and raving the entire time my daughter was home. My daughter ended up being sick and spending most of her time home in bed and of course, when I took her tea or medicine I was ridiculed. My daughter stayed home 2 extra days because her fever was so high and she just felt too bad to get on a plane. Today, I took my sick child to the airport she had to go back for a test tomorrow. My mother did not say goodbye to her she just ranted and raved about no one doing anything for her. One more thing I want to add is that my mother did not smile the entire time my daughter was home. To my dismay and frustration, I arrived home after dropping my daughter at the airport and my mother greeted me with a smile and telling me about a pill she just heard about for the dog for allergies. My thoughts were, "Really Mom? Are you serious that for 6 days you could only rant and rave about nothing and once my child is gone you are ready to talk about a pill for the dog?" But I said nothing. Now she is back to normal as if the past few days did not exist. Today, I made appointments with the neurologist and her primary doctor, but I am sure she will smile and look so innocent that they will think I am the culprit. Here is the problem and where I am seeking advice. My daughter will be home for the summer in just a few weeks. I don't know what to do. If my mother carries on like this for the whole summer we will all be nervous wrecks and she will probably cause herself some physical harm. I almost called 911 yesterday because she had worked herself into such a frenzy that I thought something might happen to her. She said she was leaving, packed and threw bags down the steps and I really thought she might collapse. Of course, she did not leave and I had a mind not to stop her but I did. But now summer is near. Any thoughts?

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I really don't think that it's a UTI, a little too convenient. I'm wondering if she might be jealous of your daughter. The fact that your daughter is young and going to college. It probably reminds her that she is old and full of wrinkles and never had the ability to go to college, so she is acting up like a little kid would. Trick her into going to the doctor for a full work up but make sure that it's a geriatric doctor.
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Yes. Sounds like you are a-ok with mom's behaviour. Twice you've commented about the UTI when there is no way they are just coming and going when your daughter is there. Your mom is scared? Affirmations? Yikes. Poor daughter.
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Affirmations won't get her moved out when your daughter is at home. When I had conflict at home during college, I simply made sure that I was never there. I found parties I had to go to, friends I needed to stay the night with, anything to keep from going home. Are you willing to give up the last 3 years of occasional visits by your daughter to take care of an isolating person in your home? That is the choice your daughter will see.
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Thank you for your insight and I will ask about the UTI. That is very interesting a UTI can cause such a change. At the first neurologist's appointment, the doctor talked to me in front of her and everything I said, my mom sort of explained it away and I am not sure the doctor really heard me. I think I will speak with the doctor separately this time.
I think you are right, my mom is scared for sure but I really don't know how much more I can do to assure her that I'm committed and it just seems nothing is enough. I will continue reading. I just wrote her out a list of affirmations to say every day. I will see how this goes over.
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I would not give the mother another chance to be mean to my daughter. She's had two opportunities and behaved horribly both time. People can make mistakes, but these were two extended snarly sessions. She's lost her right to live with me while my daughter is at home. Protect your daughter!

I know you bought a new big ol house, and used mama needing her on room as a reason. If that was the only reason, you made a mistake. If you just wanted a reason to move, good for you! You were taking care of your own needs/wants.
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Let me clarify my post: I did *not* say a UTI 'magically flares' whenever her daughter is home. I pointed out that a UTI can cause serious behavior changes and should be ruled out, along with all other medical / mental health concerns before throwing out the baby with the bathwater.

DelightedAmused has some tough decisions to make, that's for sure - but I think it's important that all medical concerns be ruled out before just labeling her mother a narcissist or a mean old woman, and I stand by that.  

If it proves true that this is simply your mother acting out because she's jealous, scared or narcissistic, then some counseling or therapy is in order - but Mom needs to move into an ALF or IL facility if she's unable to live with you peaceably - without causing major drama in your home.  I agree that you shouldn't have to tolerate that, if her behavior is merely bad behavior and not caused by anything else. 
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^^^^. I think this is exactly right.

You need to set boundaries and make it stick. mom stops this outrageous behavior or she moves. I do not believe she has a medical condition that magically come and goes with your daughters visits.

Your daughter needs you now. Do not let an old woman take away these important years from her. Do not let her drive this huge wedge between you and your daughter....you daughter must not ever be "sick" over coming home!
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Why not confront your mother about her behaviour? This is ridiculous. UTI that magically appears when daughter comes home? Don't think so. Every behaviour does not stem from some sort of mental illness, either. This sounds like jealousy, through and through. Grandma is not controlling her impulses. Basically, you need to lay down the law to your mother. Either she acts respectfully and stays within the boundaries you set, or she rooms elsewhere for the summer. Not fair to your daughter and you are just enabling your mother by not talking about it with her.
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Have you asked your mother why she behaved the way she did? Does anyone else live in your home? A spouse, another child? I've seen this behavior before but not to the extreme you described. While it's true that UTIs can cause acting out, it's a little too convenient that it would flare only when your daughter is home. Watch your own actions with your mother and make sure you aren't waiting on her and spending too much time with her to her detriment. Your mother needs other interests and other people in her life. Check out senior centers. Do you have friends you spend time with? I suspect your mother would resent them as well. It's a tough problem. You will lose your daughter soon enough. Start looking for mom alternate housing. A therapist might help. I'm afraid I would be angry with her. Make sure your daughter knows it's not her fault.
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It sounds like narcissism - everything is about mom when granddaughter is not at home. She is the center of attention. Then when the girl is home, BAM, overdrive! This is not something that is effectively treated, only managed, and I wonder if she's shown signs of this earlier that you did not recognize because "she's always been that way." Look up narcissism on the computer and see if that sounds like mom. If so, she needs to move before summer break. A retirement facility of some sort would be in order either way in my opinon. It is inexcusable for your guest to be so rude and she should move for that reason alone, no matter what is going on medically. 

We took over the care of my narcissistic mthr during my son's senior year. He felt rejected because she sucked the life out of us. Your college girl needs you to be there for her so she knows she is unconditionally loved. You don't want her looking for that validation elsewhere.

Mom moves.
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Thank you both for your insight and I will ask about the UTI. That is very interesting a UTI can cause such a change. At the first neurologist's appointment, the doctor talked to me in front of her and everything I said, my mom sort of explained it away and I am not sure the doctor really heard me. I think I will speak with the doctor separately this time.
I think you are right, my mom is scared for sure but I really don't know how much more I can do to assure her that I'm committed and it just seems nothing is enough. And besides, right now I'm still a little irritated at that fact that she smiled at me this afternoon. I don't want to end up letting all of this make me act some kind of weird way that is not my norm.
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Wow! I think the big clue here is that mom is perfectly fine except when your daughter is home. Having said that, I think you must start with a complete medical work up for mom. If nothing comes of that, then I think mom may need some psychological help. You don't say if mom has any chronic health issues but she definitely has some kind of problem. Perhaps dementia. Her behavior is not rational. How devastating for all of you! My prayers are with you...
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For sure get her checked out with a complete blood work panel. UTIs and elevated blood sugar can cause an elderly person to go from calm to batty to the point of being nearly combative in a split second. It's not pretty. If she doesn't have any medical/neurolgical reason for her sudden behavior change, can you try family counseling for the both of you before your daugther comes back. At least try one or two sessions though it'll most like be more than this. Maybe someone from the outside the family can give you some insight. Maybe she's devastated by the loss of her friend-roommate that she's terrified about being alone in the picture because although you love your mother dearly, you will most likely rush to your daughter's side first if something were to happen - as any mother would naturally do; it's instinct. Maybe your mother is trying to prevent this from happening by acting like a child herself and giving your daughter a hard time. No matter how functional or not functional the elderly is, they will revert to that childlike state of mind as a form of protection, as form of wanting attention from a parent, as a form of coping.
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First things first: Mom needs a geriatric psych evaluation done ASAP. It may not be easy to accomplish this if she's ranting and raving, but it needs to be done. Go to her doctor with her and explain Mom's recent actions and severe mood swings and suggest that they first do a test for a UTI - believe it or not, UTIs can cause some of the violent behavior changes you're talking about. The sweetest elderly person will become violent and irrational with a UTI - it affects them differently than it does someone younger. If that is ruled out, then a geriatric psych evaluation is in order to see if there is some dementia at play here.
If you think talking to her doctor with her in the room will be a problem, talk to the doc on the phone or make an appointment to discuss her health with the doc alone. Do you have medical POA for her so that you can discuss things with the doc?
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