Hi! New here. I moved my mother to the United States 15 years ago when she was 67. She is 82 now, very healthy and goes for a morning walk every day. She lives in a garden apartment in my home, so in the same building but her own kitchen/etc.
This Fall she started to have panic attacks every time we are not home. She was in the ER three times in 2 weeks. We are a very mobile family and all travel a lot for work and vacations. This has always been the case and she was fine until this Fall.
Additionally, I noticed that she is having a difficult time processing information but that’s selective.
My husband and I showed her what button to push on her sub pump to stop it from beeping (until we replace it). So super easy - you push a button and it resets for 24 hours. So I explained it to her. And then poor husband chimed in. And then I even said: “So we did it now, you do it again tomorrow around this time. And then on Monday around this time. So it resets until the new one comes in the mail.”
And she said: “It’s not convenient to do it every hour. What am I supposed to do in the middle of the night?”
And I said: “No! Every 24 hours…”
And she said: “Oh! I thought you said every hour”.
This isn’t bad memory. This is not listening. Because she can sit down and tell me how I should stop eating salt because some doctor on TV said that it will lead to deafness. So she can process info when she wants to, but not when it’s something I tell her to do.
It appears that she decided to stop being responsible for anything on her own… pushing a button is too much for her…
When I suggest that she joins some community or makes friends, she says that “people always disappoint me and I don’t need anyone.” This has gone on since she moved here. I signed her up for adult English classes and she quit because the teacher “was disrespectful”.
So what do I do? I am honestly losing my sanity. I had to cut my work trip short last week and come back home because she was at the ER yet once again. Every time at the ER they do all these tests and tell her that she is 100% healthy and these are panic attacks.
I have to work as I am the primary earner in the house so staying home is not an option. And I don’t think I should since she has no serious health issues.
sorry for the long post!
Dementia isn't only loss of memory. It's also loss of executive function and a lot of other abilities. Your mom seems to be exhibiting loss of executive function. Also, she needs to get a thorough check of her hearing ASAP so you can rule out hearing loss. Did you know that hearing loss is a major contributor to dementia? If she has hearing loss, she must get the best hearing aids she can afford. Try Costco. And then she must wear them even when she is alone with no one to talk to.
She can take meds to prevent panic attacks, and she should if that's one of her problems. As for her difficulty in processing info being selective, that's another thing dementia does. It changes day to day.
Please educate yourself on all the things that dementia is before you decide that she doesn't have it. There's more going on with her than you want to admit, and burying your head in the sand gets you nowhere. Start considering placement for mom. Since you must work, keeping mom at home may not be an option for long.
I know that I need to figure it out… just feel lost.
The solution here is an easy one. You have friends in your area. One of those friends is going to have to be introduced to Mom and when you leave is going to have to be the friend of the family who calls once in the a.m. and once in the p.m. to check in with Mom, make sure the pump is reset. Ask if everything is OK. And on a chalkboard Mom is going to have to have the phone number of this friend.
This isn't going to get better. This is going to get worse.
Now, if you are seeing a lot of daily panicking from your mom then it's time to see the doc and address this issue. Anxiety is a part of life FOR US ALL--the degree is the question.
Do not stay in denial. It's a bad place to be as this starts to increasingly be a problem.
And it is not due to her being 100% healthy, as the tests at the ER show.
Have they performed any tests for dementia? She may be able to pass simple dementia tests, as so many elderly with dementia have done, and she could still present as healthy.
At any rate, your mom's brain is changing. You are seeing the beginnings of this change.
I am basing this conclusion on her age and the behavior you have written about in your post.
It is hard to see our parents and family members change. What I recommend is explaining your findings to a neurologist, and work with that doctor to find an anti-anxiety medication that will help alleviate your mom's concerns. Even a pcp can prescribe anti-anxiety meds. But I suggest a neurologist because of what you're seeing in your mom. A pcp will eventually refer her to a neuro doc.
It was difficult for me to accept that my parents's brains were changing. I ignored their behavior. Until I was knee deep in it, and they required more and more care.
There is some cognitive decline happening. This is not selective hearing or not listening, this is not comprehending what she is being told. And also retelling information incorrectly. (sump pump instructions, a doctor saying having to much salt can cause deafness...blood pressure concerns maybe but not deafness.
I think her saying the teacher was disrespectful is a cover for her not comprehending what was said in class.
I do hope mom has assets because you will need caregivers in the future, possibly Memory Care facility.
You might want to look into the Senior Service Center near you and see if she qualifies for any services. See if there is an Adult Day Program near so that she can get involved with that.
I agree that sometimes what appears to be deliberate "not listening" is just the "pothole" nature of cognitive decline. Some days, some conversations, some types of information, are better or easier to process than others. Every time I walk into my mother's apartment -- and she still lives alone, with a part time aide (fully covered by Medicaid, btw), and I live nearby -- I have to remind myself that I don't know who's gong to be there that day or that moment: the woman who is capable of having a fairly sophisticated conversation about the NYC mayoral election, the woman who just accused her aide of stealing her swiffer wipes, the woman who can use email but forgot how to charge her computer mouse, or all three.
The panic attacks and the inability to think are a vicious cycle -- noone thinks well when they're panicked, and the decline of prefrontal cortex capacity makes one less able to self regulate. If she's open to medication, that might be a good first step, although try to remember that anything that works today or this year may or may not continue to work. Also, if she won't take your suggestion for that and feels like she just needs you to be there 24/7, maybe she would listen to a doctor if she has someone she trusts.
It is important also to remember that an empty pitcher fills no glass. You are doing your best, which is all you can do. She may not respond or react the way you would like or hope, and of course you don't want her to be miserable, but I find that sometimes I just have to find a way to accept. If my mother refuses or is incapable of accepting help, engaging in social activities, or whatever, and is unhappy as a result, there is nothing I can do. And if something happens while I'm on vacation, well, that's a risk I have to take because I'm not a spring chicken myself and I will not put my entire life on hold for her. She's 93 years old, but her physical health is such that she has every likelihood of living to 100.
There may come a time when your only option is a nursing home, but it doesn't sound to me like you're there yet, and in any case you can't force her without having her declared incompetent. Also, I find support groups can be very helpful, and if there's a senior center or the like near you, you may be able to locate caregiver services or resources for yourself.
Good luck!
P.S. Is it safe to just turn the sub pump off until the new thing comes?
in everyone's eyes.
Maybe your husband is available to take on a bit more?
Plan the "re-set" when he will be home?
Reset it now, and then when he is available, on a routine basis,
reset it to that time once every 24 hours.
Did I get that right?
There is always "Respite Care". That's when Mom goes to a facility temporarily
while you take the time off. Someone else cares for her on a temporary basis.
Maybe two weeks?
If you have noticed that she doesn't get it when you explain something simple, and she gets agitated when removed from her familiar setting, you are ignoring the fact that she has developed some form of dementia, and requires a whole new approach.
Has the ER done a brain scan or consulted with a neurologist? If not, That would be your next step. And even if it is "just" panic attacks, or whatever the reason, it cannot be ignored or willed away. It needs to be addressed.
Maybe your mother is just needy for your attention and she doesn't know how to get it, because you are so preoccupied, other than acting out.
If this behavior is causing you stress, then you need a new living arrangement.
If you can't find time for your mother, and don't have the patience for her antics, find somewhere else for her to live. She could be in a senior living apartment, or in assisted living, where she will have other people her age to engage with. You don't need to resolve her social needs. If you want to help, maybe you can find an adult day care or senior center nearby where she can go during the days for socialization.
If you do get her examined and assessed by a neurologist, and there is some dementia here, then you should learn all you can about it, about the progression, and how to interact with a loved one with dementia. There are so many online resources, and we here on this forum have a wealth of experience with this! We can answer just about any question you encounter along the way.
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