My mother is 79 years old and has a club arm and has never worked in her life. My father died in a car accident when I was a baby so my mother and I lived with my grandparents. When they passed away my mother could not keep up the house so she moved in with me and my husband. Last summer she needed an emergency pacemaker and now blames everyone because she needed it she had a full electrical block and her heart rate was very low 30 bpm. She always curses and constantly complains about everything even when going out to dinner and pouts if she does not like where we are seated in a restaurant. She does not want to associate with anyone some neighbors didn’t even know she lived with us. My cousin took her in for 2 weeks to give me a break and complained the entire time at her home. She is all about herself and does not care how she becomes ignorant and insensitive around anyone and I get very embarrassed because I am not like that at all. I cannot tell you how many times I apologized to people in a store because of her attitude. I cannot tolerate her anymore I feel guilty that she is my mother and I am a only child but she is very unfair to those who are her family. My mother in law is more like a mother to me than my own mother. My mother also refuses to go see a family dr only her heart dr and is now mad because her bp meds make her go to the bathroom during the night so she takes it in her own hands to skip a day or change the time for her meds which causes numerous arguments with us. It’s also a nuisance with her that her pacemaker monitor is on her nightstand. I even had to tell her dr that she refuses to see a family dr and if it’s a quick fix with urgent care then she will go and I told her that the drs fixed what needed to be done now are you going to do your part and he looked at my mother and nodded his head yes so she’s not happy I said that to him but I wanted to know what she is about. Any advise for dealing with a parent that is very hard to live with ??

It may very well be the onset of some cognitive problems, maybe dementia or maybe some treatable medical condition or maybe even depression. Getting a full workup needs to be a top priority, although that's not easy when the senior resists. I once threaten to have a parent picked up for a 72 hour mental evaluation if he didn't keep a doctor's appointment.

Has your mother always cursed or is that something relatively new? I ask because the low heart rate you described is associated with strokes and mini-strokes (TIAs) that can lead to vascular dementia like my father had. His language also became filled with cursing fairly early in the dementia journey.
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Reply to TNtechie

I understand, I didn't take it as trash talk. Just someone trying to figure out what is going on. It maybe a good idea to get her a full evaluation. Labs. Physical, maybe even a neurological work up.
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Reply to JoAnn29

My mother does get SSI, I know where we lived in NJ there was a senior apartment for low income where they only took a certain percentage of your SSI but my mother did not act like how she does now we never felt the need to put her into a place of her own. We have been living in Florida for 5 years now she loves it there but we have noticed her attitude has changed in the past 2 1/2 years my daughter noticed she is like a switch and none of her medications can cause any of this. We do put her in her place when she gets like this so it’s not like she is walking all over us. We would need to investigate on housing where they would do a percentage of her SSI. As for apologizing to someone she gets rude to we do it not to be ignorant to the person she was rude to and they always say oh don’t worry about it we understand we have the same problem with a parent. Yes my grandparents prob did not help with not encouraging her to work or learn how to drive and she has had so many surgeries on her arm and was in Shriners Hospital for most of her childhood. As for her being Toxic to live with it’s not easy and not to make any excuse but she was never like this we feel there may be a form of dementia starting. We hear about other people having older parents that have become the way my mother has. This post was not intended to talk trash about my mother it was intended to reach out to get advise from people going through the same situations and what helped for them.
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Reply to anonymous913299

Does Mom get Social Security? Maybe time to find her a nice little apartment in a Senior complex for low income. They will ask for 30% of her SS. She will pay electric and TV. I think she maybe able to get SSI,
Supplemental Security Income if her SS is low. She could get food stamps. Office of aging could give u resources they supply.

I looked up club arm and nothing comes up. I had a friend whose arm was short and she had stubs for fingers. It did not keep her from going to College and holding down a job. I worked with a woman who lost the use of her hand and typed one handed. I think your grandparents didn't do Mom any favors by babying her. Now you are paying for it. She is self centered probably because her parents catered to her. So now, you need to set boundries. Trying to make her happy will not work. She will never be happy. There is no one in this world who can make her happy.

I would refuse to take her out. I would tell her the way she treats other people is unexceptable. You are no longer going to be embarrassed by this nor are you going to apologize for her. Its going to be hard to change what has been allowed for a long time. So you have to change. You don't have to tolerate it.
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Reply to JoAnn29
shad250 May 27, 2019
If she did would be on husband since OP said she's never worked a day in her life.
Has your mother seen a psychiatrist?

It sounds as though she is quite a dependent person and has never been in charge of her own life or happiness. She may be helped by medications for depression and/or Cognitive Behavior Therapy if she doesn't have dementia.

What are her assets/income? Is she on Medicaid? Is she on waiting lists for low income housing?

She sounds like quite a toxic person to live with.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn

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