My 77 yr old Mother is living with my daughter and I. She has no friends outside the house, doesn’t drive & I have to do everything for her.

Clarification: my sister has moved closer to us to help. My mother never drove much and now she doesn’t drive at all. She yells constantly when she doesn’t get her way and I keep hearing it just gets worse. She does take senior transit sometimes but she has no outside interests. I took her in because I didn’t want her to have to get low income housing and she couldn’t afford a place on her own. I just want her to have outside interests. She is totally dependent on me and I can’t take it.

MomLivingWithMe, getting older isn't easy. I am finding that out first hand now that I am in my 70's.

Please note once a parent is under your roof or you are under their, the parent/child dynamics shows up. Your Mom is once again the parent, and you are the "kid". It's not an easy situation.

May I ask why your Mom is now living with you? Did your Dad or your Mom's husband recently passed? If yes, then Mom is still grieving, as she had lost the love of her life. Was she the caregiver? This wasn't the retirement that she and he had planned. That would may any parent upset.

At my age, many of my friends have gone separate ways, either to care for their own parents or to live closer to their grown children and grandchildren. Friends can also pass away. Something one doesn't think about when younger.

Did your Mom drive in the past? If yes, why had she stopped? I know both my sig other and myself are finding today's roads not as user friendly as we once knew. Way too many accidents due to distracted drivers. Before cellphones and internet capability in vehicles, drivers and the passengers kept their eyes on the road. I have seen one too many t-bone accidents recently due to distraction. And other drivers don't like it when us old timers do the speed limit :P

Your Mom needs to do some volunteer work. Find out what is her passion and see if you can find some place she can help out. Of course, transportation would be needed. Be it senior bus, if your area has that, or taxi. Volunteering is a great feeling :)

I agree, who is "she" that does the screaming.

You need to set boundries. It will be hard but it gets better with practise.
First tell sister that if she doesn't like how you are doing things she can take Mom to live with her. Its your house, your rules.

If Mom is healthy, why is she living with you. If she only gets SS, there are Senior apartments that take 30% of her income for rent. She would pay electric and tv. She could receive food stamps. There's food closets. 77 is not old. When she starts again, just say quietly. Mom, this is not working. You don't seem happy here so maybe you need to make other living arrangements. Its not fair to my daughter to hear her grandmom screaming at her mother. I want my daughter to learn to stand up for herself and she won't in the atmosphere you are creating. I have tried my best to make you happy here but it seems your not. Maybe you can live with sister. I will help you look for a place if you want, and the resources u need to be independent. If you want to live here, there will be changes. This is my house. I will no longer fetch and carry for you. You are capable of doing it on your own. If you don't feel you can go along with this then you will not be able to stay because I refuse to allow my daughter to be exposed to your self centeredness.

You do not need to take abuse from anyone not even Mom. It is not going to get better. Mom thinks she can get away with what she is doing and out of respect you are allowing it. But you deserve respect especially in a house that you pay for.

There seem to be two issues here. One issue is that you feel that you have to do everything for your mother, who is only 77 (and you don’t say that she has dementia or any serious physical problems). The other issue is that your sister is interfering in your life and she yells and screams. I am just wondering if it is possible that the ‘interference’ is because your sister thinks that you are ‘enabling’ your mother to be helpless and dependent, and that you ought to stop. Is this also what the yelling and screaming is all about? I can see that you have things organised the way you want, and your sister may be being a pain in the neck. But if the two issues really are related, it might be quite a good idea to step back and think about it. There are many posts from people who realise a bit late that they have been ‘enabling’, and wish they hadn’t.

PS I've just realised that I've assumed that sister is the 'she', and the other posters assume that 'she' is mother. Now I'm totally confused!

If this were your child, would you be bending over backwards to accommodate her and keep her happy? Or would she go to her room until she could be civil to you? Mom is acting like a spoiled child. When she starts, give her a stare that brooks no resistance and say, “Behave yourself.” Imply “or else”. Living with you, especially if she pays nothing toward her upkeep is a privilege and not a right. Don’t wear yourself out trying to find ways to entertain her and occupy her time. You are not her Uber. If you have a county transit system in your area, offer to call them. Ours picks us up at our door, takes us to appointments and drops us off. Failing that, you will take her out once a week, when it’s convenient for you.

Put on your big girl pants and stand up to her. You are a grown woman with a child of your own.

Stop trying to make her happy. She has to find her own way to be happy.

I’m so sorry you have this difficult situation. Is she in your home when she is yelling? Tell her to leave. If it is her house, walk away. Has this always been her personality? You don’t say she lives with you, how near is she?

I Know how you feel. Sometimes I feel like their lives are so empty that they live to interfere. No privacy at all! Yep, old fashioned and want things done just as it was in their day. My mom lives with my husband and me.

People are different. Some people are incredibly nosey! They mind everyone else’s business.

I think they are bored. Maybe depressed. Who knows? Their hobbies are worrying and complaining but in front of others butter would melt in their mouths, right? Hahaha, then they are so lovely, smiling and sweet! Drives me nuts because then others constantly complement my mom saying that she is so sweet! That’s when you nod and say yes, but we know the truth!

I find it’s more emotionally draining than physically draining.