Ok, so after my dad passed in 2014 my mom could no longer care for Laying in bed all day drinking excessively (even more than when I was a kid) so we moved in and sold our home to care for her. 2 years in she was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer metastatic to the brain. Okay 3 radiations and 3 chemos it's been stable for over a year now. Ok so now the CONSTANT obsession with pain is beginning, drinking stopped the day she had seizures & now she looks for any reason to complain, calls the town and tells on neighbors, she looks for drama everywhere she can find it, refuses to leave home. Wants CONSTANT pitty and coddling my grandma, her mom will come to visit and feed her like she is 2 its unbelievable! I am truly having a very difficult time caring for the one who never cared for me. But now that you have some background, I should say her physicians are very uninterested in her "pain" she has had every test commonly known to the medical community with no negative results. Every pill she is given (non narcotic) doesn't work! I am wondering is this from the brain tumor making her think she is in pain or is she looking for sympathy?

I have a husband, a 13 year old and a house we are remodeling, I don't have time for pitty parties and I dont really feel sorry for her at all...please help me, am I being the nasty one? She has been babied and pampered her entire life to the point of having zero maternal instinct! Thank god I didn't follow in her footsteps! I do feel concern for my fellow man and I don't want her to be eaten from the inside out by some type of disease. So I do feel the need to advocate for someone who may have mental disability...IF it's real so I need opinions the more honest the better! Thank you all

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I am so thankful for each and every one of you! Truthfully, I have an older sister with pretty much the e xact same "mothering instinct" as my mom and she will not go e up her jet set lifestyle for anyone including her own kids and family! She comes around and the world STOPS i have to tell you when my mom went into seizures i stayed at the hospital with her and never leftuntil my sister arrived would have thought I ceased to exsist, i left to get some rest and came back to the hospital and all my moms forms had been changed to my sisters name i was furious! If she was willing to actually care for her i would be okay with it but she left after 2 days to go to Paris and that was that! So when she returned from her trip to paris she informed me of what I was not to do in my own home and i threw a fit! After she left in 12 hours tjings went back to normal for a few mom has signed everything BUT the house over to my sis, life ins. land and the like all to her...for what? Anywaythis home belonged to my grandmother and had fallen into such disrepair they wete going to sell it for little of nothing and make my mom move in with my grandmother...hind site is ALWAYS 20/20 so now the house belongs to me with moms name is on it along with my grandma (lifetime rights) but the bills and the construction are our burden to bare along with caring for the narcissist living here. I just wanted to make her last few years a little easier and now ive taken her to raise...literally! Ok im off topic but yes it is ridiculous in every aspect of the word. And yes, she is cognitive, i almost tjink it would be less difficult if she weren't. So my grandmother and later grandfather have made her life capital EZ and my husband thought (because of the location of the home) it would be an investment worth making...but i feel like I have sold my soul to the devil himself and now were stuck. So really i just wondered if this pain jag she is on was a last ditch effort to get more sympathy and my gma is 90 so yes she believes every word that comes from my mom! I mean (in her words) who would lie about a thing like that?? Well i know ONE person and she hounded the doctor about how BAD her nerves were until he reluctantly gave her ativan even after i begged him not to. So they will only give her just a few but those are gone in about a week...i know theyre abused i dont even check on it anymore because she blames me for them beong gone. I am very hands off with her meds only because of the accustaions and i dont need added drama to my own life. So i work like a mad woman to try and pay off my massive student loan debt and my husband and i continue with renovations... I think i needed to know i wasnt alone. Yes moving here was a mistake albeit with the bestof intentions. Our area is a desirable one and we wanted to keeprhis house in the family, i want to pass ir to my daughter one day! She is autistic and we want to leave her as well off as we can just in case. She is a great kid! I couldnt ask for better! I am very blessed to have my daughter and husband they keep me sain!
Thanks to each and every one of you once again! Thank ypu all for listening to my rant! I am so thankful to you all for the help all of you have given such wonderful advise, May you ALL be blessed!!
Helpful Answer (1)
Ahmijoy Aug 2018
I’m sure I speak for everyone who posted answers here when I say we appreciated your thanks. But, we also hope you will take at least some of our advice. Nothing will change if you make no changes. Nothing. You are Cinderella in this scenario. You need to set some boundaries or nothing will change.
I agree with speaking frankly with her doctors, particularly her neurologist, and describe her symptoms and behavior. He may want to run additional tests. I'd also ask if the neuro doc would recommend a referral to a geriatric psychiatrist.

I would look into obtaining Power of Attorney if your mom is still competent to appoint you. It sounds like she is probably going to need Assisted Living if she is getting paranoid, refusing to leave the house and needs assistance with eating. Not to mention whatever physical disability might have been caused by the brain tumor.

You sound like a great daughter in wanting to advocate for your mom, but being a sole 24/7 caregiver, especially to a parent with physical and mental disabilities, is really too much for one person. You'll get burned out quickly. I know, I tried. I ended up placing my mom in a facility because I was getting severely burned out and it was taking a toll on my physical and mental health. She still gets good care, it just doesn't have to be me 24/7.
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Dear B,
My mom and dad were alcoholics in my childhood also. I'm an only child. My mother "got pregnant" in her mid 30's, thinking she couldn't have kids, so it really put a cramp in her life. She was narcissistic so motherhood was not her "thing" (takes the attention off her onto me) and she resented it.

Signs of a narcissist;
Grandiose sense of self-importance, Lives in a fantasy world that supports their delusions of grandeur, Needs constant praise and admiration, Sense of entitlement, Exploits others without guilt or shame, Frequently demeans, intimidates, bullies, or belittles others. Sound familiar?

My mom was very self centered and "cool" but I had everything I needed. Mom and Dad divorced when I was 5. (They only got married because she was pregnant). They physically fought when they were drunk. I remember hiding behind the bed with my teddy bear (I still have him 56 years later).

My involvement with my mother as an adult was limited until she showed signs of dementia. Then there was no one to make the right decisions and finally place her in a memory facility, after a brief stint living at our house. It sounds like I feel about my mom like you do, I need to be the responsible one, getting things done, with limited emotional feelings.

About the "pain", my mom has had "severe headaches" daily since she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. She has a tiny, benign brain tumor but the brain surgeon says that would NOT cause her pain. I did some research and found that the dementia itself can be blamed for the "pain", as it is perceived.

In your mom's case, there is a condition called alcoholic dementia; (from website
Excessive drinking over a period of years may lead to a condition known as alcoholic dementia which can cause problems with memory, learning, and other cognitive skills.
Alcohol has a direct effect on brain cells, resulting in poor judgment, difficulty making decisions, and lack of insight. Nutrition problems which often accompany long-time alcohol abuse can be another contributing factor, since parts of the brain may be damaged by vitamin deficiencies.
Alcoholic dementia is similar in some ways to Alzheimer’s disease in that it affects memory and cognitive ability. Also, like Alzheimer's, once alcoholic dementia develops it is difficult or impossible to reverse.

Also, about the brain tumor (from Mayo Clinic);
People may experience:
Headache: can be persistent or severe
Muscular: difficulty walking, muscle weakness, problems with coordination, weakness of one side of the body, or weakness of the arms and legs
Whole body: balance disorder, dizziness, fatigue, or vertigo
Gastrointestinal: nausea or vomiting
Sensory: pins and needles or reduced sensation of touch
Cognitive: inability to speak or understand language or mental confusion
Speech: difficulty speaking or impaired voice
Also common: blurred vision, personality change, seizures, or sleepiness

No, you are not being nasty. I know better than many how difficult it is to be nice to a parent that didn't want the job. You are being responsible but you're not going to take any cr*p. Your mom may or may not have "real" pain. I'm sure the doctors know her history with addiction and are very reluctant to give her any addicting (narcotic) substance. Usually, when people have pain, they become quiet and slightly withdrawn. If your mom is making a big deal out of it, maybe it is to gain sympathy. A narcissist will take attention any way they can get it. Pain brings compassion, attention and pity. They eat it up.

Sounds to me like your mom exhibits narcissistic traits, making it very hard to deal with her personality. Also the resentment of having to raise yourself and now, having to care for the very person who didn't do that for you, but feeling "responsible" for her, can give very mixed feelings.

We both are the responsible kids and will do "the right thing". Hang in there, come back.
Helpful Answer (4)

I think that boundaries are going to save your sanity.

Choices have consequences and if one is coddled and given a pass on their narcissistic behavior, well, you get more of the same.

You are not awful for not wanting to give up your families life to care for someone who has proven she only cares about herself. I'm surprised that you moved in to care for her.

She has choices to make based on your decisions about where you go from here, she is not a child, has stability in her health, she will need to decide what her future looks like. Beware, she will guilt trip you if she is not the center of every decision, if it's not about her, it's not about anything.

I would think that her pain is real, getting old can cause lots of aches and pains, when you are liquored up you don't feel them much, now she is sober she probably does feel her age. That's life, unfortunately.

Stay strong and talk with your husband about where your family heads from here.
Helpful Answer (4)

My first thought is, if this woman was always like this, why would you ever decide to give up your home, put your family on the back burner and put yourself at her beck and call? According to what you posted, she was never much of a mother to you, was drunk most of the time and never grew up herself. Lordy, Lordy girl, you need OUT! Is this her house you’re remodeling or is it one you’ve bought? I hope it’s not the one you’re living in with her because then you’re stuck. You have to finish it and it’s not even your house.

Grandma has some issues as well. Treating your grown daughter like a 2 year old is proof. But Grandma probably believes her daughter is in excruciating pain. But, if she’s cognizant enough to spy on and report the neighbors, she can’t be that far gone. I wonder what kind of reputation she has in town.

Speak frankly with her doctors. Hopefully your name is on her HIPPA forms so they can also speak frankly with you. You need to know exactly what her diagnoses and prognosis is so you can react accordingly. If the brain tumor is making her act like this, you may want to consider Hospice Care or even a nursing home. Grandma can feed her there, too. You shouldn’t have to give up years of your or your family’s life to take care of someone who, as you said, never took care of you. Maybe if you knew exactly what he situation is and whether her brain issues are making her act like this, it would make it easier to bear.
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