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If I’m 20 minutes late she needs to know why I’m late. The other day I caught her staring at me. Asked why. She said, I was trying to figure out if you wore that top yesterday. I have very little to no privacy. I find my patience is all but lost some days. I know this isn’t forever and I should be grateful I still have her, but I haven’t needed someone to keep tabs on me in over 40 years! All she says is well, I’m a Mother. Can you help me figure out how to deal with this?

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I think my kid will be in the SAME SITUATION when I am older... YIKES..

I think I would have the same response: I AM YOUR MOTHER !!

poor kid...I will say I am sorry to my kid now.. I amy not remember to do this later
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Omg, your mom is only 81 from what your profile said. She could live to be 100. She is going to get worse not better. Find a facility for your mother and get on with your life. Enough is enough.
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In addition to some minor suggestions made in reply to Doggomom, like some others I would also suggest hiring a companion aide for a couple of hours several times/week. You need some ME time. If things get too much, take a brisk walk - you'll know when it's time, you start getting uptight, so get her occupied with something and go round the block (even in winter, so long as it isn't snowing or icy!) Burn off that feeling.

While it is unnerving to have someone stare at you, the only solace one could take is at least she isn't yelling at you, cussing you out or ranting about some hallucination!

If she questions why you're late (even if you're not!), just pass it off as bad traffic day, then change the subject, get her interested in something else. Agree with her rather than stirring things up. It may seem like you are acquiescing, becoming the child again, but it is ONLY to keep the peace, not giving her the mom power.

Have lots of books or other reading material handy, she likes to read and if you give her something new, she may take interest and you get a breather!
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Imho, the elderly have very little that they can converse about. I found my own mother was quiet most of the time, especially when my cousin came to visit her. She did not engage in the interesting conversation; she was completely silent. Also, my mother's neighbor lived to be 101 years of age. Since there was very little that he talked about, I always engaged him in stories about the War (WWI). My mother also stared, but that was because she had low vision. Prayers sent,
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My mother does the same. She is in AL but we do FaceTime calls and the beginning of every call is her talking about me in the third person about how she doesn’t like my hair or how I shouldn’t put my glasses on top of my head instead of wearing them or why do I have a mole that I’ve had my whole life. I just tune that part out. I agree with you, being scrutinized and commented on gives me the heebie-jeebies too, but there’s not much to be done to get her to stop doing it. Just ignore her and don’t respond until she’s talking about something else, or lead the conversation in another direction yourself.
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disgustedtoo Sep 2, 2020
Many of us are moms too and often fall into that "mom routine." With dementia she would be drifting back in time, and being your mother again. It also could be anxiety, which can happen with dementia. She worries when you aren't there or aren't dressing properly! Minimal response, if any, and just go along with whatever she says. No explaining, no arguing, no correcting, these will just frustrate you! Agree with whatever and try to change the subject. It isn't always possible, but if you can distract her, suggest a cup of tea or a snack, offer a "new" book.

If she won't wear the hearing aids, could you get some remote speakers and set them up near where she normally sits? If the speakers are closer, it might be possible to turn down the volume. You can try headphones, but she may refuse that too. One doc tried to put the amplifier headset on mom. She only wore one hearing aid and ALL the doctor offices are set up such that they are on the other side! She hated the headset and took it off.
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This will, of course, go on while she lives with you, and in fact could become a good deal worse. Consider placement so she has care and safety and you both have privacy.
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Seems you need to expand mom's support network a little bigger = more caregivers. Ask family, friends, members of your faith community and even paid home health aides to take on mom for a few hours a couple of days per week. Use that time to get out and do things for yourself. These other folks can socialize with mom and do little things for her: mani-pedi, book discussions, play games, have a meal together... Of course, limit the COVID exposure by asking people to wear masks, wash their hands when they come into the house, and social distance.

You may wish to get earphones that work with the TV. She can hear as loud as she wishes but you hear nothing. She should wear her hearing aides because they help keep her "hearing nerves" properly stimulated. If those nerves are neglected, she may lose her hearing entirely.
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disgustedtoo Sep 2, 2020
It is also suspected that hearing loss contributes to developing/progression of dementia. Same for the lack of socialization.
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Hi, I feel your frustration! I’m in the same situation but my sister lives with us and is no help other then buying my mother food and supplies, of course never using her money. My mother feels I’m her sole purpose of entertainment, I bring my granddaughter’s to see her and encourage her to call people. Unfortunately she has hardly any one left, she will be 82 soon and you can tell her dementia is getting worse. She sits on the sofa and watches TV all day. Give your self breaks, leave the house often and take care of you, even something simple like walking. My mother will never change so I have too.
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lilandrews Sep 2, 2020
I am right there with you. I moved in with my mom 3 years ago this week...and my sister buys her groceries and my brother does her yard work. But I am her go to... and she wants to know where i am going and how long and all the details. It is difficult...and i am listenting to all the advice. My mom is 97 and starting to have swallowing issues and sleeps a lot...so we could be closing in on the end and of course... I will miss her but she is not my mom!! Best wishes and prayers for you.
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suggestions were so much easier before COVID
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enroll her into different activities to the zoo, museums, libraries, and some musical thingies...
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send her to adult day care
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When someone else is controlling your life, then there is a problem. Wait for the results then you can focus on the next steps. You can contact your local social services to see if adult day care can be provided. You can also find many support groups by calling around to local nursing and assisted facilities. They are free. The trick here is to get some me time and not feel guilty when she complains. Stay in control.
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Does your mom have other people in her life, friends/neighbors/relatives who can visit and chat, gossip, w/e, to provide some stimulation and help take her mind off of herself (and you)? If so, see if they are willing to spend time with her (without you), maybe take her places (covid safe, of course) or engage her in activities that she might like.

My mom was like this. She was lonely and bored, but her disabilities made it difficult to pursue activities and hobbies. I tried some things - large print books and magazines, movies and reruns of old tv shows, other things. She's a people person but had no one in her life that could be relied on for calls or visits. I think the lack of outside stimulation caused her to brood and focus on me.

Things improved when we had to hire aides. The best ones were chatty and kind, sharing stories about themselves and their lives. A nice diversion for her.
I know there are agencies that will provide calls and visits to seniors to alleviate loneliness. There are posters on this board who have more experience with these resources. Hang in there :)
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How long has your mother been living with you?

I'm sorry to read on your profile page that you lost your husband to Alzheimer's Disease.
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Renee5259 Aug 29, 2020
Mom has been living with me for a little over 3 years. She is not very out going. Has a few friends and I encourage those relationships. However they are in a town 45 miles north. I really don’t want Mom driving. She has a 17 year old car and memory issues. So I worry. I just tell myself I need the break, and we don’t have any real answers yet. I hate to think of taking things away from her. Least if we had a diagnosis, I’d have a real reason to let her car have problems running. If u know what I mean. In fact my brother says he will borrow it and forget to bring it back. Yes I have a brother, and no he is not in any position to help at this time. I’m just starting to look for some different solutions. It’s getting harder and with winter coming, I’m not sure I’ll get threw it with my sanity intact. With COVID , adult daycare isn’t an option. Even if I could get her to do it. She does nothing but read her romance novels and play on Facebook. Oh , And watch family feud every night so loud you can hear it next door. She has hearing aids but refuses to wear them.
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Might not last forever, but could last decades. It won't improve either if she ends up having dementia or Alz; it'll get much worse.
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