I’ve been on this forum a lot in the past few weeks and it’s to the point where I just need to ask for myself. I’m 36 single mom to two teens, my mother has been living on my couch currently but has been with us for ten long years. To explain how I got myself into this situation, I just want to start by saying my childhood and upbringing were very difficult which doesn’t help and I’m trying really hard not to ramble. I’ve typed and backspaced 100 times already Ten years ago when my kids were both in elementary, my son’s father died and I was going through a difficult breakup with an alcoholic. I have a good job at a factory working early mornings, at first I was paying family to come hang out at my house weird early hours so my kids wouldn’t be home alone although they were sleeping. My mom and I never got along but after inconsistence with other baby sitters I offered her to live in my 4th bedroom I had at the time. I exhausted all other options, my two brothers couldn’t be bothered to help bc they feel, as well as my mom, I ruined my life by having kids. This wasn’t a easy decision but felt I would have lost my decent job. It might not have been as bad if it stayed that way but about 7 years ago, due to other complications with my duplex we had to downsize to a 3bdrm, so she’s been living in my living room. She’s always been neglectful, negative and mean spirited to herself and her kids. I suspect some kind of mental illness, but she’s been diagnosed over the years with sever type 2 diabetes which has caused her to be incontinent and as of recently she has a permanent brace on one foot so she can’t walk as well anymore. It’s kind of a relief she can’t get around as much bc now I have more of my small duplex to myself again, but she makes everything tense. Me and my kids are always in our rooms, my house smells like diarrhea and cigarettes bc she smokes on my porch and the smoke just trails in with her. She gets medical from the state but that’s it so far, I’m hesitant about applying for other benefits for her bc I don’t want her to live her permanently and she’s not on my lease so I don’t want to put my address on any documents. Here’s where I need advice and where I’m riddled with guilt, now one of my brothers lives in town the other 3 hours out, in town brother has a house but 7 step kids the out of town brother lives alone, big house no relationship. They don’t see a problem with my arrangement but if push came to shove I think the out of town brother would step in. I’ve considered recently, bc we got a new landlord, writing a letter looking like it’s from my landlord threatening to evict me if I’m subleasing my mother, so I could set her up with him and avoid any family conflict as in, it’s out of my hands. I would need to do it soon, before the holidays, that would mean a adjust in the morning for my teens, my mom does help make sure they’re up and does dishes etc if she can but nothing I’m not willing to adjust to. I feel if my landlord actually knew he would do the same thing so I don’t want actually involve him, and I know it isn’t going to go well with my mother. Even though she’ll have her own room, won’t have to deal with kids and finally have space it’s far from her comfort zone and doctors she just finally started seeing 5 years ago. I think my brother would set her up with doctors where he lives but I’m not positive. I’m rambling again but I’m so stressed, depressed and overwhelmed. I have two jobs, I resent my mother for not raising me and in turn making me raise her all the while criticizing me and my two kids. I desperately need a change but feel guilty and anxious bc I know it isn’t going to go over well. Should I type my landlord letter? I fear a heart to heart with my brother about how I’m feeling won’t be enough bc he doesn’t exactly want her to live with him either but I can’t handle it anymore
Perhaps your brother without any children would take her in temporarily while she’s on a list for a subsidized apartment . And maybe he would work on that paperwork for the apartment and whatever other paperwork for SSDI and Medicaid ., Talk to him as well .
Take Mom to Social Services and see if for now she can get SSI which is a supplimental income. Then ask if there is any housing she could get. Don't go into a long backstory, just tell them for now she is sleeping on your couch. She is not on your lease and this living arrangement is not sustainable. Start the Social Security disable application.
While neither you nor brother are obligated to help her get these resources or provide housing while she is waiting, her next stop is likely the street. And I don’t know if you want to do that to someone who after all did help raise your kids when you were working this job that led to your having a 3BR duplex.
Your mother has given up on her life at 45 and at 55 is incontinent on a couch? How could we, a forum of utter strangers, begin to even guess what is afoot here either mentally OR physically
I do truly wish you the best; this doesn't sound sustainable, nor fair to your children who deserve a peaceful and loving home.
The sad truth is that your mother may need to be evicted.
If you do not act, this could go on for decades more. You don’t want that. She needs to move and you deserve to re-claim your space.
You don't need to have mom living with you if you don't want her there. Neither are you in charge of finding her another place to live - that's her problem, and social services may be able to help.
You're in this mess because you've made bad choices. I'm so sorry this is happening, but please understand that it's up to you to stop making bad choices that will make the situation even worse. Keep it legal! I wish you luck.
You can meet with him (just the two of you) and be honest that you're burnt out and need help with a solution, which is to move her out no matter what or where, and by a certain date. You're done being her solution. Please don't try to move her from your plate to his. She needs to be in her own housing.
Due to her young age and apparent lack of employment, your first option is probably Section 8 housing. This is done through social services for your county. Maybe she'll get a caseworker to help. She can lay on the couch all day long and you won't have to look at her doing it. But at least she'll have shelter. Then maybe help her get any other aid, like a food stamps, healthcare, etc.
You can't force her to go to see a doctor, so don't expect your brother to be able to do it, either. If she gets any main at your residence, then that is her legal residence and you may have to evict her, regardless of what your lease says about sub-letting. This may be a question for an attorney, and maybe you can ask your brother to help you figure it out. If she resists going... it is what it is. Once she's out she is out and you will have a major issue solved.
Even if she does have mental illness, a personality disorder or whatever, you still can't control her getting a diagnosis or taking any helpful meds. This is an extremely common problem expressed on this forum. Many will be able to relate to a parent with a chronic mental health issue.
Focus your energy on getting her re-homed. Once she's out, if you and your siblings want to try to get her to take better care of herself, good luck, but don't have any expectations for success.
I wish you wisdom and peace in your heart as you work to change your circumstances,
Your mother shouldn't be at 55 years of age be living with ANY of her children and it's time for her to go out on her own. And she most certainly shouldn't be incontinent at that young age either.
For God's sake she's only 55 years old!!! She could live another 40 years or so.
I know that you don't want her living with you that long right?
So time to have a serious honest conversation with her and tell her that this arrangement just isn't working for you anymore and that you will help her find a new place for her to live, whether it be senior apartments or a nursing facility that Medicaid will pay for if money is an issue.
You have given up enough of yours and your children's lives to accommodate your mother and it's now time to take your life and your home back. You can do it!!
If you don't get her out, I believe your children will hold this against you for the rest of their lives, as no child should have to live in a house that smells like poop and cigarette smoke.
And please have your mother go to the doctor to figure out why she's incontinent at such a young age and to see if there is something that can be done to help with it.
I wish you well with addressing this with your mother.
You were fine with taking in your mother a decade ago so you wouldn’t have to pay childcare. Mom likely feels you remain obligated to her care, especially as she arguably spent working years caring for your children and is now not in a position to get hired as an incontinent diabetic needing mobility help.
You do not have to house her, and either does brother. Given her age and lack of funds, though, her alternative likely is a homeless shelter.
She’s only 55! She could live another 20+ years. At this rate you’ll be dead before her. Other people on here can give better advice on how to get her out. As far as telling her she is going to be out of your house… “Mom, you don’t seem happy here and this isn’t working out. You’ll be leaving and this should be great news for you!”
She ruined much more than your childhood. You picked unstable partners and I am guessing the father of your kids aren’t in the picture (I see where one father passed). She made you feel like garbage so that’s what you found in partners. And it makes sense, because being treated like dirt was your norm.
Good news is, you’re still young. You have time to reclaim your life and get your sh!t together!
In my personal experience, the county Sheriff drove my SFIL from the ER (after a fall out in public) back to his house after threatening me and causing me to leave work in the middle of the day, miss carpooling my kids from school and driving the 20 miles one-way to meet him at his house so that the Sheriff could help him up the stairs and dump him back into his home once I unlocked the door for him. It wasn't even my residence but SFIL gave the discharge nurse my name and they called the Sheriff when I told them I wasn't his PoA, guardian or caregiver and wasn't going to go get him. Didn't matter. My SFIL had Parkinsons and was 6'4" and a total PITA jerk.