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My husband has five sisters. Two of them live near my mother in-law who has dementia. My MIL lives on her own but she shouldn't be. We've had to disconnect her stove and we just pray everyday she doesn't wander off. She is not eating often enough and isn't drinking enough water either.
She's getting to the "angry" stage and thinks everyone is against her and treating her like a child. She does not remember from one second to the other. Both my husband and I think she needs to be in assisted living. The five sisters don't. Unfortunately, my husband, who works full time is there every day either at lunch time or after work trying to get her to eat only to have her yell at him that she's already eaten....which we know she hasn't.
My husband has power of attorney, both medically and financially (THANK GOODNESS).
How do we convince the sisters that mother needs more care? We want to get her hearing aids and they said no because she'd forget to put them in. Luckily she doesn't take meds.
We've found a great assisted living place near by. She can afford it....but I'm afraid some of the sisters would rather have mom's money for themselves. My husband doesn't want to be berated and hated by his siblings but I don't know there is any other choice. Its just a matter of time before she wanders off an gets lost or she injures herself while she's alone.
Having a caregiver isn't an option, she wouldn't remember and would kick them out.
HELP...anyone else go through this. I feel like I'm sitting back waiting for a train wreck to happen.

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Idaholeasa, kudos to you and your husband taking care of his mom. When I was in your husband's position I joined an Alzheimer's support group in Boise, listened how other caregivers handled similar family disagreements and explained my own sibling problems to them. It's good that your husband has POA, but when push comes to shove, that may be insufficient, so he should also be investigating the pros and cons of guardianship and conservatorship (G&C, which are separate duties in Idaho, but can be assigned to the same person).

When my wife and I moved my dad from another state into our home, I became his primary (and 24-7) caregiver for 3.5 years before I moved him into a memory care facility against the adamant wishes of four of my seven siblings (none of the four had been providing any significant assistance during the prior 3.5 years). Even though I had "shared" POA, I could not have placed my dad in the bicycle-distance, excellent memory care facility I chose for him without having first been granted G&C. In fact, without G&C I may not have been able to prevent him from being moved by some siblings to a much less expensive facility hundreds of miles away from Boise, where he would have had few visitors and certainly not the daily visits by me and often by my wife that he got here.

But now I've re-read your post and see that your only question is how to convince your husband's sisters that their mom needs more care. I don't know how he can do that, especially if some of them are motivated more by wanting an inheritance than by getting their mom the care she needs. Maybe if he can convince them that they all have to take turns staying with their mom pretty much 24-7, the sisters will begin to understand the need. And a family meeting, preferably with a professional mediator, might work -- I asked my siblings for one of those, but got no responses from the troublesome four, so while it may be worth trying, don't count on it. In the end, I decided I had to do what was best for my dad and if some siblings had a problem with me doing that, then that was their problem, not mine.

Best wishes for your husband, his mom, you and even your husband's sisters. This is a hard time for everyone.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to bicycler
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Ditto to what everyone else here says. The only thing I'll add is that she needs memory care, not assisted living.

The sisters get no say, nor do you need their blessing to do what's best for MIL. She obviously gave POA to her son for good reason.
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Reply to MJ1929
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Is it possible for your husband to insist that his sisters start helping mom?

If they don't see what is actually going on then they are truly clueless. Not doing hands on care can do that.

Encourage your husband to give them the job of helping. He isn't responsible to do the hands on care just because he is the POA, that means he has the authority not that he is the caregiver.

He may have to just act in moms best interests if his sister's are immovable. That is something that he is responsible for.

I love Meridian and I am going to be traveling up there shortly, are the peaches ripe? 😁
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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Your husband has POA. If it reads he needs a doctor to put in effect than do it. She needs a full physical to rule out anything physical causing the problem. A Neurologist to test for Dementia and what type it is. There are meds that can help.

Your Mom gave POA to your husband. He makes the decisions. He does not need to ask permission to place Mom. Once he has the tests run and a doctor's note with the diagnosis Dementia and needing 24/7 care he can start finding a place for Mom. With 5 daughters you should not take on the care. If they don't want her being placed, then "they" need to find ways of caring for her. Someone will need to be with her 24/7.

POA does not mean your husband or you need to physically care for her. Its a tool to help pay her bills and get her placed if need to. It probably gives him the right to sell her home to pay for her care. (Must be sold at Market Value if Medicaid comes into the picture in next 5 yrs)

His sisters will probably not be happy with any decision ur husband makes. His responsibility is to his mother. She can no longer live alone, she is not safe. Its no longer what she or his sisters want, its what she needs. Her money is her money not her childrens and its needed for her care.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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First of all you get the requisite letter which you will need in any case from the physicians diagnosing her dementia. Secondly you make a list of near accidents and the potential for catastrophe for your MIL. You make copies of the doctors letter which will say right out that this patient is no longer safe living on her own.
Then you use the POA to put your MIL into safe care.
It doesn't matter WHAT your other siblings thing whatsoever, but I will say this. You need to get conservatorship or guardianship set up so that the other siblings, who may or may not be concerned with expenditures that will preclude their getting inheritances, don't go for guardianship and take MIL into unsafe living with one of them.
Wishing you good luck and the best.
There is no sense in arguing; the doctor's letter and your wishes trumps all.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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It is obvious your MIL should not be living alone. Your husband has medical POA and has the power to place his mother in a facility. Never mind the others. It is in the best interest of his mother to find a decent facility and make sure her needs are met. She definitely should not be living alone. He needs to step up to the plate and do what is right for the benefit of his mother. He accepted the responsibility to be POA and if he is unable to make a sound decision in behalf of his mother then he should give it up POA to someone else that can make good decisions. This is serious and quite sad. She needs a good advocate.
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Reply to earlybird
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