She purchased a home for both of us to live. Her dementia is much worse. She is out of control.
Can I enforce/override her decisions and can she change or void the DPOA? At the time of signing the Durable POA, we had a doctor write something to say that she was able to sign her financial affairs, drive, and take care of herself. She stayed in a resort for 3 months while I sold our homes. We were 3 hours away so I stayed, cleaned & organized all her belongings and records, moved both households and did everything I could to do this quick and cheap. Plus did all the paperwork to get the mortgage on the new home.
3 months went by, I am absolutely exhausted, the move was horrendous and I put my life on hold (job included) to accomplish this. Immediately upon me getting here, the water heater blew and the mother-in-law home had severe water damage prolonging my mother staying at the resort and costing more money. It was overwhelming trying to unpack in these conditions along with the fact she did not want to let anything go which we have no room for. I have a Pod in the driveway and 2 storage units. I was able to get a friend that I trusted to come from out of state and stay to renovate and make the property safe for my mom. All the while, I received enormous pressure from my mother this was taking too long and costing too much money. It was going to take at least a month or more to renovate and unpack.
She demanded I move her home within 1 week. There was no place to sleep and hardly walk thru the house at that point. She followed me home in her car (she did not drive at all during her stay in the resort, my cousin lived close and helped her until I got there). I asked her to park off to the side so me & workers could navigate in & out of the driveway. That was the beginning of the hell on earth I am experiencing. She took that as me controlling her driving rights even though she had agreed to ride with me until she got familiar, she got irate that I hung her keys on the fridge so we could move the car if needed. I ran all day waiting on her hand & foot covering her with blankets, putting her items bedside searching for items she had already misplaced. I went to the grocery store and did not realize ..A. She wanted the local newspaper. B. Her dementia had worsened significantly. She took her keys and tried to sneak off almost crashing into the workers’ truck in the driveway just to get the paper. He tried to stop and help her, even just ride with her to make sure she knew her way and she gruffly refused driving off having all of us driving around to find her and get her home safely.
She went on a tirade screaming at me how terrible I was. The place was awful, no more money can be spent, we cannot live together and she’s leaving back to our original home state. Within 24 hours, she collapsed from dehydration and out of spite to me because I bought groceries, did not eat for more than a day unbeknownst to me. She refused paramedics take her anywhere but agreed I could drive her to an emergency clinic NOT the hospital. The paramedics really wanted to take her to the hospital as she needed the care but she would not do it. Once I got her in the car, she went on a rampage that I was taking her rights away, and bowing her around. I just kept driving and ended up taking her to the hospital where she was admitted for 2 days.
The doctor said no driving and stay in AL until house is ready. (Maybe a month or two). I went everywhere trying to find the best place with no appreciation whatsoever. She is furious with me and says she wants me out of her life, AFTER, I move her back to her original home state and sell her house that she just bought for us. She knows I will have nowhere to live and after all of this, have no money or job yet. The doctors’ orders to the AL says elopement risk and states she needs assistance with taking meds and making health & financial decisions. She has always been very manipulative and can flip personalities in a second. She is extremely sweet until she gets me alone. I need to have the power to help her
You have a letter from a doctor saying she can no longer handle her finances or health decisions. Read your POA. Mine said I took over when Mom was found incompetent. Like said, change will worsen Dementia. Your Mom has moved from a home she was familiar with, to a resort to an AL. Lots of change for someone Moms age. Decisions can overwhelm them. She needs a full evaluation.
Meet with them to learn your responsibilities.
Did you and mom contribute equally to the new home? You need to explain what you did with the previous homes and how you bought the new one to protect your mom and yourself.
It is not at all uncommon for someone with dementia to experience a sudden and rapid decline when moving to a new location.
In Allybetter’s situation I’d start that process AND a physical with FULL BLOODWORK, tomorrow.
Allybetter, try to objectively document as much of your mother’s BEHAVIORS as you can, and for yourself and for her too, try and regard her behaviors as what she does rather than what she says (or yells or screams).
Most of us have experienced negative behavior from our LOs (I sometimes have the bruises to prove that), and trust me, the sooner you can release yourself from the impact of her outbursts, the better you’ll feel and the more productive you’ll be able to be.
Best hopes that you are soon able to find answers and make good decisions for her and yourself.