I’ve been having a difficult time with my 88yr old HUSBAND with recently diagnosed moderate to severe Alzheimer’s.
Weve been married 35 years, both of us were widowed. He had adult children, I never had children.
Now he is declining rapidly and all I get from his kids is grief...they boss me around via emails, butt into doctors appointments and tell me it’s their decision how their father’s treatment plan should be developed. TWO ARE MILLIONAIRES, one is a felon murderer, skitzo and paranoid. That’s the one that lives near us. He scares the devil out of me and goes nuts very easily. He relies on hubby for everything even tho he has full time job.
Hubby and I are $$ comfortable but not rich enough to have expensive Memory Care and maintaining home at the same time. I also have severe vision problems and will probably need significant help myself down the road.
His kids have no concern for me and are not at all interested in having a financial part in doing any care giving for their father.
I really have enough on my plate just coping with a large yard and neglected house these last couple of years ... with fixed retirement income I’m stunned how much money everything costs and how much hubby never told me he had put into arrears.
I just want some peace here as hubby and I go down this next path. My bet is I’ll never hear from his kids after he dies. I have to protect myself for my old age as well. Kids think it’s “dads” money and they should inherit. Big problem is hubby agrees with them and is trying his best to have them as his beneficiaries . As his dementia deepens I’m afraid they will succeed in leaving me with bills and they with inheritance.
Any suggestions?

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Your husband has been DIAGNOSED with having dementia? Are you his POA? I think the children may TRY to dabble with this if you don't seek guardianship, get a good lawyer, divide out financially and protect yourself. Are there already wills in place? The children should be unable to change anything if there is now an existing dementia, but what now exists? Are you a beneficiary? You say "in arrears." What exactly is owing now and who is paying that? Who takes care of all the bills? It is time to protect yourself in any way you can because I guarantee you that you are correct.
Prime imperative at this point is to take care of yourself. Your husband has family, and as I understand it you do not, but you have been with him for a long long time. Get a good lawyer; pay for this out of yours and your husband's joint assets. Tell them what is happening. You need Elder Law Attorney well versed in medicaid, in Trust and Estate, etc. Take care of yourself and ignore the children. Do the best you can to insure your safety as you have a narrow window in which to act.
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Make sure its a lawyer well versed in Medicaid. Does anyone hold POA?
Now husband has been diagnosed, he really can't make informed decisions, make changes or go into contracts.

You need to protect ur half of the assets. Medicaid allows for the split. DHs split can then be spent down and then apply for Medicaid. Spenddown can be prepaying a funeral. Placing him in AL or LTC facility. But his half needs to be spent on him alone meaning the son no longer gets any money. Medicaid will consider it a gift. Even money given previously if within the 5 yr look back.

I can see where his kids are coming from but they need to back off. As his wife you really have more say then them. If the emails bother you, don't read them. Delete. The son that scares you, don't hesitate to call the police. Change all the locks in your house giving no one the key. Maybe a very trusted friend who is to be told not to hand it over as long as you are around. I would not tell them about doctor visits. I would not keep them informed. If they are so rich, no problem for them to get guardianship but before that happens, you need to protect your share of the assets.

Not sure how you would feel about someone taking over guardianship but it may be a Godsend. You will have no responsibilities towards husband. The guardian will be in charge of everything. Just make sure that your at the Court hearing and express that you will have the right to visit your husband wherever he goes. Because, his children will not want to physically care for him so he will be placed somewhere.

Time to look out for yourself.
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Yes get a lawyer ASAP. His children are adults and have to some degree made money other than the criminal one. You may be the surviving spouse. How are you supposed to live out your remaining years? If there was plenty of money for all then fine but you need to put your needs before theirs. This is fairly plain as day unless you are in CA where the air from fires is surreal and does not feel as though it is day but I am digressing. There is a home to attempt to keep up. Pay a lawyer and ignore stepchildren who seem to show you no gratitude for their father's care.
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2nd getting a lawyer. A good one! One who specialises in elder care. Someone you can trust to assist with finding the right financial solutions. For Memory Care for your husband & the level of accommodation that suits your needs into the future.

Enduring POA will be required. But it may be your DH no longer has legal competence. If so, guardianship may need to be explored.

Having a legal will that fits your husband's ideas - before dementia would be my goal. Get it as 'water tight' as possible to protect against any later contention. Being a millionaire does not mean the adult children do not greed for more!
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See an elder law attorney. Family law attorney, divorce him, get your half.
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