Context: Mom was recently given the hospice diagnosis for her Emphysema, and her lung capacity is described as greatly reduced. She has a long history of many substance abuses and using me as a therapist despite me being her child (since I was very young) and refuses to consider looking into a nursing home or assisted living place. Her health has declined over the past 5 years and she has only worsened once I've gotten to college. She says I'm the only thing keeping her going but that's become a horrible burden to me.
I'm in my last year at college and I love her very, very much. She is genuinely one of the most important people in my life even if she doesn't believe it sometimes. But I cannot handle being around her full-time or even considering being a full-time caregiver, as I find myself wishing she or myself were dead or gone. My recent experiences with her alcohol relapses have left me jaded and numb, and I've stopped caring what happens. While I think the best compromise will be to stay half with her/half at my apartment near my school, I'm a poor driver and worried that I'll get in trouble for leaving her alone. She REFUSES having a "hired caregiver" (not that we can even afford it). Luckily we have Badgercare so the current hospice care is covered. I'm afraid I'll get in trouble with other family members or yelled at by hospice if I am not here full time (I have a fairly unhealthy family prone to guilt and abuse). I have very supportive neighbors who've offered to check in on her when I'm not here, and so on. I'm also in a support group for family members of addicts.
I currently live in the Midwest and am trying to come to terms with my horrible feelings of disgust, frustration, fear and self-disapointment. I hate myself and am suicidal, wanting this to end. I'd like more advice or stories specific to coping with toxic adult parents dying, or COPD stuff, and just general young-adult guilt