1/2 siblings demanding equal say in parent's care. Any thoughts on how to respond to them?

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I am H + F POA for my dad, who has dementia. Though I don't live in the same state I visit regularly and manage his care. He has 3 adult children from an earlier marriage who live in another country. One was estranged from him (her choice) for many years-seemingly up til she caught wind he had some life insurance funds. Another one had only visited him once in the last 12 years, and the third visited slightly more often and was in touch every few months throughout the years, usually birthdays and holidays.

There is a ton of recent drama under the bridge (see previous posts) however now they are demanding they be included and involved with every single decision regarding his care. I have virtually no relationship with any of them as we grew up in different countries, are different generations, and given recent events there is no trust between us. Those of you who are POAs know the immense time and responsibility it is. I'm balancing my new marriage, career and life in another state with managing my dad's care. I have no interest in adding to that responsibility the headache of contentious, long-winded ongoing calls with them.

Not to mention, they don't live in the States nor understand how things work here, and I am the one whose life will continue to be turned upside down and whose time will be spent managing the care.

Any thoughts on how to respond to them?

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Sunbrooke, the passport issue sounds unsettling. Certainly there are some plans that haven't been shared with you.

I have absolutely no idea if a passport can be sent to someone else's home, but I would start calling, perhaps a legislator who can give you some guidance on who else to call for the potentially international hijacking. Sounds like you've already taken action though by contacting the passport agency.

I think this could be considered a form of kidnapping, although I think there's another name for it. It might be custodial interference. As I recall you're proxy under a DPOA; w/o going back and rereading, are you also health care proxy? If so, you could address the issue with one of his doctors and ask if you can get a letter stating that he should not be moved from the US.

Have you got a good hold on his assets so that the potential fathernapper can't change them, even if she can't whisk him away out of the country? Sorry, but I'm not remembering everything from you post tonight; my mind is ready for bed.

BTW, did anyone at the passport agency give you any assurance that he can't be father napped out of the country?
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Reply to GardenArtist
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Thanks for all the great advice. I don't think I mentioned before that a couple of weeks ago when one of them was visiting she had him sign (foreign, as he's from another country) passport papers, even though she was told by me and a lawyer that he already has a valid passport and due to his dementia should not be influenced to sign any documents. She tried to hide this but his housemate told me it happened. She wants the passport sent to her home so (presumably) she would have the power to come and take him at some point. I've contacted the passport agency about this.
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Tell them you will keep them updated but that as his POA his care is between you and him. Explain, like you did here, that the US healthcare is different than other countries. You are under different guidlines and rules. They are there you are here. Your were made the boss, so to speak. You make the decisions.
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Bicycler, I just posted a thanks to you for your King Lear observations. Somehow it disappeared into cyberspace. Your observation on taking advantage of King Lears is enlightening, and just clarified for me some issues that I've been wondering about for years.

And thanks to you, Sunbrooke, for making the first comment on the Lear phenomenon.


Who knew that Shakespeare could be so help for contemporary caregivers??
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sunbrooke, hello again. You've gotten some good advice on how to respond to siblings who want equal say in decisions for your dad, i.e. as his POA agent, your only responsibility is to him. That said, your dad is their dad, too, so I agree with those who suggested you provide regular, short updates on his status. Sure, they can call him, but he likely won't be able to give them a realistic picture of how he's doing. But regular updates do not equate to "equal say" or even "any say" unless one of them has a good idea that you hadn't considered, as jeannegibbs mentioned. And, of course, regular updates need not include any financial information, just any significant changes in his medical or living situations.

Your dad's King Lear syndrome sounds a lot like my dad, i.e. any attention is good attention because he enjoys it so much. It's really easy to take advantage of our King Lears.

You've probably already discovered, 24/7 in-home care will cost more than twice as much as the best assisted living/memory care facility. I don't know if your dad still owns his home -- if you haven't yet sold it, then that's an additional cost on top of the caregivers cost. Good luck in your relatively new journey.
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Thanks, 97YearOldMom. Looks like a lot of history there.
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Here are Sunbrookes previous post. She has been dealing with this awhile.

https://www.agingcare.com/search.aspx?searchterm=Sunbrooke
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Reply to 97yroldmom
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Sunbrooke, or should I call you Cordelia?

I totally and emphatically agree with creating a paper trail. If they call, you can say (what I've decided I'm going to do in a similar situation), that you're busy right now but they can give you an idea what the issues are, then elaborate in an e-mail. That allows you the opportunity not to dismiss them, if by some miracle they're actually offering support, but gives you control over how you communicate as well as the chance to review their issues and decide whether or not to answer them.

You are under no obligation to discuss anything financial though, and in fact shouldn't. Your attorney could e-mail them and support this issue.

I also emphasize keeping documentation away from them; you might even consider getting a locked cabinet, such as those used in offices years ago. They'd have to break into the cabinet and I'm sure that's some level of misdemeanor or felony, even though it might be hard to prove. I assume you're keeping documentation at your home?

Another twist might be to thank them for their interest and ask how each of them plans to provide hands on care given their distance. Keep emphasizing the hands on care and ignore other demands.

Or give them a list of things they can do and ask them to choose. (You can suggest the nasty things you don't want to do, if you like!)

BTW, I didn't take the time to read previous posts, so I'm just responding to what you've written here.

You've gotten good advice; I can only offer my concurrence.
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Is the housemate someone who would be able to stand up to your half-siblings? Counted on to call you if they showed up? How about the care givers?

Please consider:
(1) moving any legal or financial documents from your dad's house to yours so there's no chance your half-siblings could show unannounced and see or take them.
(2) send your siblings brief updates via email (from an account you setup for just this purpose) monthly
(3) install a "ring" doorbell so you can see and document who is entering the house
(4) require the care givers to call whenever anyone shows up to see your dad and get your approval before letting them in the house
(5) try to find someone local with the guts to stand up to your siblings and tell them they need to move on - this could be the local police or sheriff's office. In my state, the chief deputy usually administrates the sheriff's department and often has 30+ years of law enforcement experience, sometimes in multiple organizations. It may be a different title in your state, but there is someone like this in the organizations.
Give him/her a call and explain your situation, offer to fax a copy of the POA. They may be able to tag a brief description to your dad's address in the dispatch system so when you call in, officers will respond and remove people from the home because you (as POA) are the only one legally entitled to authorize access.
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My dad lives in a house, with a housemate. He has carers coming in many hours per week, though I am considering 24/7 in-home care. I'm not sure he can afford that, however. My dad has a pie in the sky view of the whole family, like King Lear, assuming that any attention he gets is positive because he needs it so much. He refuses to see or remember anything nefarious that has happened.
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