I'm writing this discussion in hopes of helping others. I have seen many posts in the forum lately about caregivers feeling burned out and about the negative treatment of caregivers from the person they are caring for. I will not retell my story. If you have not read about my story, please read my profile and etc. But in short, I was my dad's caregiver for over 20 years after my mom passed away. I did not live with him, but my daughter and I did all the cleaning and washing for him. As time went on, his health started to decline a few years ago and I began to also do all grocery shopping, taking to the doctor, paying bills and etc. Just to back up a little, my dad and I always had a strained relationship. He mistreated my mom and I and even admitted a few years ago that he had an affair, His mistreatment did not end when I became grown, it continued. But being the kind of person Iam, I did not walk away. Trying to care for a person who mistreats you, is hard but I did. I wish that I had set boundaries years ago. He is now in a facility but because of the way he treated me, I do not know how to enjoy life. This is because he raised me to believe that is wrong to enjoy yourself. Now here Iam in my 50's and I feel like life is over for me but I keep going and it is hard. I made so many wrong decisions because I was afraid of him... decisions that have negatively affected my life and well being. For those of you trying to care for a parent that was abusive to you whether verbally or physically, please do not sacrifice your own well being. This forum has helped me so much and also counseling. If it were not for the forum and counseling, I probably would have caved in and quit. my job, sold my home and moved in with him but I developed the strength to say no. But that was his plan for me to soley take care of him. Do not feel guilty if you have to place them in a facility. That is taking care of them! Even with all the mistreatment, I still feel sorry for him because of his condition but as this forum has said many times, we do not make them old and it is not our fault that they have health issues. Hang in there and do what you need to do take care of yourself.
As far as people seeing the truth, some will, some will but never admit it because, that would be admitting they were wrong. Many have a hard time doing that.
I would also like caution others who are struggling with caregiving that your parent of whoever you are caring for will also have others thinking negative of you. But just be patient because one day they will see the truth. There are people that have mistreated me because of things he said but now they see the truth.
Then yesterday she started again, I told her she has 3 other kids.
I understand what you are feeling now, a little mad at yourself, mad at life. I call it I felt, bamboozled. That feeling will get better. Even though you wish you learned sooner, better now than never. Be kind to yourself, be your own best friend.
I'm trying my best to make up for lost time.I just wish I had known what I know now about a lot of thiings but all I can do is pray and move forward!
Make it count while you can!
I hate that it took me a long time to learn to say no. I thought I was not supposed to if was family. You are right. It is hard sometimes to say no to family members but then we have to ask ourselves if it is best for us. I admit that alot of it is my own fault for allowing myself to be a"never say no" person but it was how I was raised.
Yes that was a big childhood message to me too, via family, church & society.
I feel this message failed me. It was a message of servitude. It left me open to being bullied.
When bullied as a child, adults told me to '"Turn the other cheek". (What's that even mean? Get slapped & be happy to get slapped again?)
Thank goodness for my sensible Aunt. She said "Nonsense. Stand up for yourself. Tell that bully to stop it & get lost."
Since then I have found many times I have had to do say *stop* in one way or another. In ways I never imagined.. the hardest being to closest family members & say "No, I won't do that".
Thankyou FB for this topic 💕💪
You are correct. I did try to fill my mom's shoes and it cost me a lot of missed opportunities. It all goes back to the way I was raised, lacking self confidence which made me think that I had to please others before myself. I hope that others will take my advice because it can really, really affect you in so many ways when do not set boundaries.
This should be a cautionary tale for anyone that is thinking of taking care of an able bodied parent. It's not healthy in any way, shape or form.