Yo-yo Mom at it again.

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Well, after a crazy spring and summer where my mom repeatedly told me she would no longer be in contact with me anymore or she would find (and then said she did) someone to take her shopping, now she has called me and informed me that I need to find a day to set several hours aside so I can take her for "a bit" of shopping.
I ask what she needs (maybe I can grab a loaf of bread and some eggs at the store?) and she's mum about it. (This means probably that she wants cigarettes, which, along with her own reflection, are her two great loves in life.)
I'm annoyed because I can't stand dealing with this woman. Every call she makes turns into an occasion to tell me how mean or how ungrateful I am, this or that thing that I did wrong, or how she had to do EVERYTHING on her own (except for when she needs me to take her somewhere or fix something for her ...), or how awful my dad was, or she makes digs at my weight (like it's a good idea to not lose weight, because you can use the fat to get you through the hard times that are ahead. Really? Lovely!)
I am so tired of dealing with her. There is no civility here and I have a hard time controlling myself while talking to her, and afterwards I feel drained and sick as a dog. I want to reason with her but can't, and yet each time I talk to her I feel like I'm sinking into new emotional lows.
I had such high hopes she'd be taking a cab now and then and now, I'm supposed to just take time off work (because it MUST be done during a weekday) to bend to her will. I told her I would pick her up Thursday and drop her off at a grocery store and get her in a couple hours because I don't feel like following her around Kroger for three hours while she stares in fascination at packages of kielbasa and frozen fish!
I don't know what I want here, but to vent, I guess. I just honestly want nothing to do with this woman anymore. There is no pleasant chat about the weather. Striking up a conversation about the past is just a chance for her to relive old grievances. On top of that she's half-deaf and says inappropriate, sexist or racist things.
I'm just tired of it. And her calling with this attitude that I owe her an unpaid day off to cart her around so she can buy cigarettes and bacon just infuriates me all the more!
She cut me out of her life by telling me not to call her or visit her, changes her keys so I can't even check on her if she doesn't answer her phone or door, and changes her bank information so I can't even use the extra debit card I used to have to go pick up her medicines and so on (my husband got laid off a year ago and my income has gone down since I was laid off -- but found another job, fortunately --so I can't exactly afford to buy her stuff anymore, and I can't afford to take time off work.)
So again, I'm just tired of dealing with her and want to vent. I believe in respecting the elderly and all that but what about when your mom expects you to be her beck-and-call and verbal whipping post?

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What I owe my mother.

This comes up A LOT. It's the source of a lot of really unproductive feelings that drag people down into a pit. Especially when trying to caregive someone who only engagees in transactional relationships (like a narcissist or borderline personality).

I am a mother myself. I don't consider that my children owe me for their raising. They are teenagers & they are expected to contribute to the household now. I'm not keeping a tally for 30 years down the road. They don't owe me. I do what I do out of love and because these children are my responsibility. Once they are grown up and been released into the world, I have done what I can to make them good and useful. All I can do at that point is love them and wait for grandbabies or grandpuppies or whatever. As long as they are truly happy.

What do I owe my mother? Not a dadgum thing. I am doing what I do for her out of a sense of mercy because she has run off every other human being on this planet who might have cared for her. I won't have two red pennies to rub together out of this. There is no inheritance to justify all the hours of my time, effort, anxiety, upset, & worry. Was she loving - probably in her own stunted maladjusted way. Doesn't matter. The act of caring, or not caring is not about settling some kind of big cosmic debt so it all comes out even. It can't come out even.

If anything, I prefer to pay it forward and invest in my kids, to teach them how to be great friends, great spouses, great employees, and hopefully mostly competent parents!

If my kids have awesome jobs and families on the other side of the world and can't be here for my old age, I do NOT want them to feel guilty or obligated. I will not demand or expect them to uproot or turn down opportunity and come deal with me. Would it be nice? Sure. But sometimes life has other plans and we deal with what we get.
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Kazzaa, I have to laugh about the year's supply. I've had that thought. My mom is a big hoarder in her ways. Often she buys $300 or more worth of groceries at once. She doesn't live with my husband and me, though. We couldn't handle that even if our house was six times its size. When she used to visit me when I lived out of state and she could drive she'd smoke up my apartment and redecorate because my taste wasn't hers so it was wrong. She never leaves her apartment or house (wherever she is) and I work at home so we really couldn't have her live with us.
My mom used to be sweet when I was a very small child, but she divorced my dad when I was seven and since then it's been ups and downs. Since then she's belittled him even though he's now been dead for 25 years and complains about the whole family. She can't be happy about anyone or kind about anyone either. If someone wins the lottery she'll say "they're too fat" or "it's a shame someone so ugly or dumb-looking won." If someone has cancer, she rolls her eyes and says, "big deal." Part of it is her rough childhood, but it's just a shame she's decided to see the bad in everyone and everything. I feel like I owe her, since she's my mom, some kindness and respect, but I honestly can't think of the last time she's shown it to me. Even if she were to give me $10 for gas, I would never hear the end of it. It's never simply a gesture; it's insurance or blackmail or some fuel for later insults. "I gave you some money for gas and I offered to buy you a hamburger, so you owe me undying gratitude for my kindness." Because that's the way to breed good feelings! (Not!)
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Ha FF i dont have kids but yes "stocking up" is so important with dementia parents i always have lots of food, snacks, bread, butter, tea OR ill be accused of abuse and neglect!!! She used to tell my brother "theres no food here" Oh no you dont youre not getting me on that one!! so yes stocking up is saving your a** from false accusations basically! see we can be as sneaky as them sometimes just keep one step ahead of them so they cant lie! Its great fun really? honestly? once you get as clever and manipulative as them youre THERE easy peeszy!
Havnt spoken to mum in a few days she went into town with Brother and yes i was right she bought me a top I just happened to admire last week?? But hey dont think youre lucky this is what she does then shell throw a huge "tantrum" and rant "afterall the stuff ive bought you".

Anywhoo ive just got my first pair of glasses for reading and im finding it hard to get used to them i got up and walked into the door huge bump on my head so yes i must realise "reading glasses" i forget im wearing them then oops! I feel OLD!!
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Kazzaa, I had to chuckle about getting enough food and cigarettes for a year, and call in 2015 when you run out.... LOL.

I tend to stock up for myself whenever something is one sale and has a long shelf life. But not my Mom, she will order 2 cans of a sale product.... since I have taken over her grocery buying, I will order 6 cans as my parents can afford it, and have room to store those cans :)
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Poor you! i think i would buy her enough cigarettes and food for a year and ask her to call you in 2015 when shes run out!

I dont know do you live with her? i always thought if i had a job i could escape her for a few hours but by the sounds of things on here theres no "refuge" right now I love my baths am tempted to have 2 a day just to HIDE OUT!!

Mum is not as bad as yours she does drag up her miserable life and past every second of everyday BUT i have to say she was never abusive towards me until I became her carer and she got dementia so i let that abuse go as her "madness" its the digging up her past and yes still what a sh*t dad was R.I.P dad gosh i hope he is at peace sometimes i envy him!
Mum is so negative that she even "hates" to see someone win the lottery?? so sad to be so bitter and unhappy but we cant fix it just deep breaths and tell ourselves "im NEVER going to end up like this" GULP!
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I could spend a whole day walking around at a festival on a hot day or do yard work for hours and I swear I have never felt the exhaustion that I feel taking my mom shopping.
And the shopping did not happen because she took a tumble and hurt her arm, so she just wanted me to come over asap to get her cigarettes because she couldn't roll them in her machine. I did it for her and then told her to call me if she wants to go to the doctor for her arm ("I'm not spending another dime at the doctor's") and wished her a good day.
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I used to take my mother on weekly shopping expeditions to Bed Bath and Beyond when she lived in IL. They were fac in a ting and utterly exhausting.
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And everyone, yes I said I was venting, but I love reading all your stories and advice. It's such a help to know others have their own stories and advice to share.
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This one-stop plan sounds like a winner. My mom actually worked at a nursing home for a few years and the activities director would plan an outing to one spot. "We're going to this store for two hours ..." and so on. I actually plan to pick my mom up at 10 a.m. tomorrow and drop her off at a grocery store where she gets her prescriptions filled and her bank is in there, too, so it's a three-in-one stop. I'm going to tell her I'll pick her up in 2 hours so she has time to get it all done. She can get her cigarettes and everything in there as far as I'm concerned. Thank you all for letting me complain and giving me some direction and ideas.
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Parents drive us all batty, and we definitely have to draw boundaries. For example, I would not jeopardize my job or my income, to do something on a weekday that can be done on a weekend.
You are never going to be best buddies with your mom, but according to your profile she has dementia. Try to not let her get on your nerves.
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