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Dad had a same day procedure yesterday, and needless to say he was absolutely pathetic. He totally sucked up any form of attention.



He used his most wimpy voice which was barely audible. I kept telling him to speak up, we couldn't understand him. The nursing staff probably thought I was horrible, and I really do not care. They don't hear how loud he talks when he's on the phone!



He needed help getting from the wheelchair to the scale, so what did he do? He went dead weight for them, telling him he doesn't have balance. I made him get up.


It was a rough afternoon for me, to say the least. This morning this drama Queen was removing sand from his eyes and said it hurt.....dear Lord....


The most disturbing thing is how totally opposite I am from him. He will sit like a corpse and need help with everything because he is lazy, drives me nuts.


Honestly, if the nursing home wouldn't take everything he would be gone but I deserve something and want my sis to have something so it's a spite thing.


Nice what I've become



People on the outside have NO CLUE what we go through.

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🤔 Sounds like the OP may wish to step back some?

If caregiving was a cake, this smells smoulderingly burnt.
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Dear KatyKat, I miswrote: I meant you, not OP. I’ve edited it now.

You’re a retiree.
And poor health :(.

Retiree is young! Youth lasts a long time!

Just an example:
In Buddhism, the first 60 years you’re a baby. Then from 60, a teenager.

:)

HUG.
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Op, I read your post apology, and I still don’t think you have anything to apologize for.

My in-laws as I mentioned do pretty much the same. We got commanded over there for Easter when so was actually working, because just a half hour blah blah.

Anyway, both of them were in bed. We ate in there while brother and his wife served us and ate separately. I commented how cute the bed trays were, and paid sil said that was routine now.

As in, when there is not an appointment, fil is using a urinal and commode, and mil is a walker assist to the bathroom. That’s the only place they go…unless there’s a medical appointment. In which case they get showered, dress themselves, go thru all the self correcting balance reflexes getting carried down their ramp less steps, and transfer to and from chair to car.

I wouldn’t say that they, or your dad, are exactly faking it so much as they’re milking it. Their medical appointments are themselves ridiculous. I hate to use circling the drain, but all these treatments, millions to date, have resulted in is two people who two years ago were flying off for vacation and volunteering, and now are at least still alive. The main things they’re being monitored for cannot really be treated further down the road, so it seems kinda pointless.

OP, where you are is much harder because there is only one person fixated on his misery, with you his only target. Nothing wrong with being transactional here, if you’re the only 247 you are doing work that’s 150k and up on the open market. Figure out how many years you lose that and ss payin, so you have an idea of when sunk cost is just that, and time to bail.
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Poodledoodle, I wasn't sure if you were addressing me or the OP since you quoted me first in your reply.

Anyway, if it was me that you meant, I'm not young. I'm a retiree and in poor health. Now that my retirement has been ruined by caregiving, I am very happy that I DID appreciate youth and health while I still had it!
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“This isn't life; it's a kind of hell on earth. I keep wondering what I did to deserve this.”

Watch out Katykat, because it isn’t just time, stress. It’s also about timing: you’re young now. Don’t let anyone steal your youth.

In a way, some elderly people are maybe very depressed and have forgotten the value of life. So they don’t mind at all drowning your life. But, you, must remember the value of life & youth, and save your life (while still being nice to others).
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I listened to my estranged aunt (who I haven't heard from since I was in grade school) telling me today over the phone that she knows what I'm going through. I wonder...

Occasionally, I have met total strangers in public who see my Mom -- really SEE her and her behavior -- and they'll put a hand on my shoulder or arm and say "God bless; I've been there too"

I don't feel blessed though. Quite the opposite. This isn't life; it's a kind of hell on earth. I keep wondering what I did to deserve this.
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I read and reread my post. Sounds AWEFUL!!! Thank you for the hard feedback, really opened my eyes. There is no bigger supporter than myself, and he is getting great care. I am tired. Period. This man is a miracle, as he should not even be here. I do not see him as weak and feable, and I hate that he doesnt work for more. No, there is not a huge inheritance to be gained. I feel terrible able the words said, but I will never stop making him live to a higher standard
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Very rarely here do we hear about an elder being social admitted into the er unless they have no money, or unless some family is squatting in their house after kicking the elder out that way, which is way more predatory.

My in-laws do what the op described. They currently get served three meals in bed since their falls. They refuse to get up except for commode and toilet or doctors appointments, which are multiple times weekly, and they act exactly this way.
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"Honestly, if the nursing home wouldn't take everything he would be gone but I deserve something and want my sis to have something so it's a spite thing."

These are your words. What kind of response did you expect after you wrote this? It's very hard to be sympathetic when it appears that the poster is keeping themself in an untenable situation only "out of spite" and/or in hopes of a windfall inheritence. Especially when there are a lot of people here who are caretaking for someone with no means of paying privately for care, and they are forced to jump through Medicaid hoops to secure a paltry few hours of home based care because there are no Medicaid beds available for their LO's.

I don't doubt that you are suffering with caregiving obligations, and I feel for you. But you have an option that many other people don't. If YOU CHOOSE to not take that option, for whatever reason, at least own up to it.
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So you're venting, and you're getting comments about your vent; that's how it works on an internet forum. You keep your father living with you b/c you want an inheritance, is what it sounds like you are saying here. Yet he's not happy & you're not happy. So you're doing him a favor HOW? You're not. Nor are you doing yourself a favor by keeping/caring for a man 'lovingly over the course of a lifetime' that you clearly can't stand caring for. "Willingly" is an odd choice of words to use, when it sounds like you're doing this 'grudgingly'.

Yeah, we get it; we're all tired and burned out and feeling obligated to care for elders we'd rather not be caring for, really. And they often spit in our eye as 'thanks' for all we DO for them, true. And then they act helpless in front of other when we KNOW they're not really helpless at all, but quite capable. So when things get bad enough, you forfeit the 'inheritance' and you place them in AL or into a SNF and some of that awful resentment starts to dry up a bit as you move on with your OWN life. Yes, you're still looking after him and advocating for him and visiting him, bringing him things and seeing him/visiting him, but that terrible 24/7 grueling grind is finished. And you can breathe a little once more.

Don't live for tomorrow when an 'inheritance' may or may not come through for you to enjoy b/c you may not even be ALIVE to enjoy it, God forbid. Live for today. Today your life is being eaten away by caring for dad. Fix it. Life is short and it's not worth ruining your peace of mind or your daily life over.
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This is a forum to share with others who get it, and clearly some truly do not. I did not give any detailed background of our lives and my service as explanation because I did not expect sympathy nor horrid judgement.
I did not believe reason was relevent, just wanted to vent.

My husband, myself, family and my dad know all that I have done lovingly for, and continue to do for him. This has been over the course of a life time.
All done has been so willingly on my part. I sacrificed much to care for my parents.

We had an amazing PT who really pushed him. He really didnt like her. She (as I) expected alot from him, because we know he has it in him. I feel the same, and it really makes me angry because feeling sorry for yourself does not make you stronger!
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The burnout is understandable. It sounds like you both would be better if he were in a care setting like a nursing home. No amount of money is worth living day-to-day in misery. What if your burnout causes you health issues or death? You will not enjoy that inheritance. Maybe you will have guilt after he passes that will taint the windfall of cash.

My dad structured things so that there would be something left for me, as my parents had built their own next egg & also had inherited significant family money. Dad has passed and my alcoholic mother's bad decisions and poor behavior has put this money at risk. Mom is in a home which is eating up all of her money and it will be gone before she is. My other option is to move her into my home to preserve her money. What will then happen is: my husband will move out, my career will go downhill and my health and sanity as well. I am choosing to live my best life, hoping the same for my mom, and that I can go in peace after she dies.
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Surgery sucks, whether hospitalization is involved or not.

Sounds like he sucks up the kindness because you don't give him any. I hope someone that watched how you treat him feels compelled to report you to APS.

Oh, by the way, NH don't take people's money, people pay for the care they receive and room and board.

You could be nicer to him since you are only doing anything for him to take his money.
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I'm sorry if this sounds cruel, but if you're putting up with all of this for your inheritence, then you have sort of made your own bed. Now you will have to lie in it, uncomfortable as that may be.

Honestly, if this life you have is so terrible, and you are continuing it out of "spite" as you call it, the only person that I see you "spiting" is yourself.

I hope it's a lot of money you're talking about, to make it worth the lost years YOU'RE going through, doing caregiving that you clearly resent for a person you clearly loathe. For myself, there's no amount of money that would make your situation "worth it".

I honestly wish you luck.
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