Another thing with finances, I noticed with my parents they had opened up bank accounts in every nearby bank within a 5 mile radius.... that must have been back when banks gave out free toasters or a set of glasses for any new account :P
If your parents are still clear minded and mobile, have them decide on ONE bank to use for all their banking. Then close all the other accounts... but first check to see if any social security is coming to one account... if any secondary insurance is being taken out of another account... if the gas and/or electric is being paid from yet another bank.... don't close those bank accounts until the new account is given and those items are coming and going smoothly from that new account. I made the mistake of closing such accounts and my parents got late payment fees... oops.
Same with stocks. My parents had a stock broker, but I didn't know that my parents had other stocks scattered in stock type websites. Rounding those up wasn't easy. The reason was my Dad didn't want his stock broker to know how much money he had :P Seriously?
Also check to see if there are any savings bonds, get those cashed unless you are named benedictory and want to deal with them later.
As a corollary to #54 above or maybe #55 if I have the count correct - round up ALL the important papers from the various nooks and crannies at home and organize them well; I recommend scanning them in and putting them in Dropbox or something like that online so you can get them from anywhere if you've misplaced the paper copies. I'd say keep originals in a fire safe lock box and have copies to carry of the POAs and anything else critical in a portable binder. Old insurance policies can be a bane if they have changed hands multiple times and you have to get face value or statements of no face (cash) value for Medicaid purposes - because Medicaid looks up all that stuff and will ask you about every single last one of them. Keep their account separate from your personal one too.
#56 get an eldercare attorney or estate planner whose primary interest is NOT selling you various financial products of dubious value themselves involved, before you desperately need one. If you are likely to end up needing Medicaid, get one who demonstrates knowledge of your state's Medicaid regs on their website or in person.
#57 - mom had 11 bank acc'ts in same bank [ us$ acc't, TFSA, saving acc't, etc etc] - I condensed them into 3 which reduced paperwork quite a bit - whenever possible STREAMLINE for your own sanity plus saves trees in reducing all those statements into 1 or 2
#66 -- If your aging loved one is secretive, dishonest, paranoid or has cognitive issues (or any combination thereof), you need to snoop and spy. If it feels wrong, tough sh*t. Too much is on the line. You can make your best assessment only with REAL info. NOT The World According To Your Deluded Parent's Delusions.
Every time my mom hobbled off to the bathroom, I'd look at her credit card statement, flip through her check stubs or cancelled checks, quickly scan her mail. (Sometimes I would snap quick photos with my phone. Or take notes.)
That's how I learned about mom's QVC problem. And her outsized contributions to religious charities. And her gross misrepresentation (OK, lies) about her real estate investments. And so on.
Once you become a caregiver, phrases like "I'm fine" or "I know what I'm doing" are often red flags. Silly me, I started off actually believing mom when she said that crap. What a mistake.
ART CLIPS - our OT had me print out ART CLIPS for my dads' room to show where his undershirts were, his cookies, his cups, his pj's. I place them on the drawers and cabinet doors. Pictures were easier than words for my dad. It also helped the AL staff know where to put things for him
As a personal care giver (only child) #1 like on a plane when the mask drops put it on your self first, if you fall ill who will care for your loved one ? Logic and sundowner don't mix ! Patience, love take a breath. .and for me just do it again
Remember that if the person has dementia, he or she isn't acting out intentionally. There is a combination of fear, anxiety, confusion, physical pain - all of this would make most people "act out." If dementia is not the issue, still consider pain, depression, and loneliness as possibilities that may cause negative behavior. That being said, if the person always loved being miserable the behaviors will not likely change.
In the end, you most likely cannot "fix" this person. Trying to understand what is causing the behavior can go a long way toward helping. However, caregivers grieve and feel guilt and are inundated with needs. They suffer from being torn between loved ones and their own needs. Between exhaustion and guilt. Don't expect yourself to be perfect or to make things perfect for others. Just do the best that you can and get outside help in any manner available.
Additionally, keep coming back to this wonderful community for support and practical help. Caregivers - take care of yourselves somehow! Carol
1st, reconsider if you want to give up your entire life to do this. For three years now, Every two months, My brother and I take turns caring for both of our parents with late stage Alzheimer's dementia 24/7 in their home. We are both in our late 60's and for 6 months out of the year we cannot live our own lives...don't see our wives much, kids, grandkids, go fishing, go to our own doctors, see movies, etc. nothing but care for them. They are 89, barely able to get around in house, can't leave to go to doctor without additional help. Plan early in their dementia ( like now) for them to need to go to a nursing home. Advanced dementia with all its complications, like wandering, incontince, up all night , anger, crying, babbling, not knowing who you are, etc., are very difficult to manage at home by yourself. Have a will, advanced directives , POA for health and finances, living will, bank info, funeral arrangements in place. Plan to make end of life decisions, speak and listen on their behalf with doctors, banks, Medicare (Like Humana). Have their credit cards , utilities, etc set up on auto payment so you don't have to write multiple checks each month. ( it's like managing two households). If your care receivers have some assets but may need Medicaid in the future, learn Medicaid lookback rules and make only allowable expenditures. I don't mean to sound bitter, I'm not. We love our parents and did this willingly , now a nursing home is in their very near future. Our capabilities have been reached. Hindsight is quite the teacher. Like I said , reconsider the enormity of 24/7 dementia care.
If they can afford it, invest in a Tempurpedic adjustable bed. As they become weaker and more frail, the soft mattress is so much easier on their bodies and the adjusting can help in bed bathing and meals in bed
Im responding toyour thoughts Carol thanks for sharing. This for me as a personal caregiver an only child and very unusual have only her at 96 , I'm blessed. Yesterday was an experience of sundowner beyond that which I've ever experienced. I agree that their past is re-lived at a moments notice. Or not noticed by me. My Faith brought me threw maybe the worse evening I've had with my mom, in fact I didn't sleep, hardly. Yet this morning she has no recolition, of even seeing me yesterday. Too personal caregivers remember just get thru that moment. This site is a blessing to me if just too vent and share what ever it is, maybe someone out her won't feel their all alone. Thanks George
Your life will never be the same if you are a caregiver for your own family. It's the pits, even if you love them and treat them nice. You are not able to take vacations like you use to, only people who are caregivers can understand. You sometimes feel all alone. Your social life is not the same because you have to brings the elder with you, Taking them out to diner is not pleasant, they say never eat that before, when all their lives they have. Every aspect is a challenge which has been given to you by the Lord and we must make the best of it.
Note which friends say "please let me know if there is anything I can do to help". If they live close to the person who needs care then every couple of months ask them for something. Pick up a prescription; bring your parent eggs and milk; stay at the house for a visit while you run an errand. Make it simple, but do take advantage of the offer. It will give you breathing space.
Not clear where we are number-wise, but it doesn't really matter if we top 100, does it?
Sounds minor, but if your loved one lives in AL, with someone else as POA w/all mail coming to POA's address, consider having one bill or something come to the AL to establish legal residency.
When mom moved to PA from RI, she needed a legal photo ID, which meant bringing mom to the DMV. They wouldn't issue the ID w/out proof of PA residency, but all her mail came to me. The AL had to write a letter stating it was her legal address, plus I had to bring a copy of the residence agreement to the DMV, to be approved by a supervisor.
Mom enjoyed the outing, but I felt like I had gone into battle! Another skirmish in a long war.
#77- Take a hard look at yourself: are your papers in order (will, DPOA, end-of-life, Trust)? Have an honest talk with your family or executor about your wishes /plans. Review these records every few years so they remain current.
Remember that they won't remember what you did or what you said, but they DO remember how you made them feel, and that colors their cooperation. It PAYS to develop patience and compassion in the face of the most frustrating of circumstances!
The most useful advice I got early on was "don't disagree; instead distract". I so wanted to continue having reasonable and logical discussions. But when her real life for that moment is taking place in her childhood home, it just works better to either play along and try to be there with her and ask her questions about it OR do or say something that redirects her attention to something that's current in YOUR real world life together.
Be kinder than you feel. Force a smile they can see on you. Remember what happened just before they said they want you out then go put your arms around them & say i am here & love you & will not leave you. When they hide something in their world, they are putting it where they think it belongs. These are a few things ive learned from Alz web Reading Rm. Read Understanding the Dementia Experience, & creating Moments of Joy. Never try to teach them as in their world their brain has shut down the learn part unlike our world. Always agree even tho they are wrong in 1 min they wont remember & neither of you will be frustrated. I should have learned that 62 yrs ago when we married. God bless us all & be our guide thru these times.
Shower daily-if you can't-use that as a sign you are not taking the best care of yourself. Something down the line will suffer when you are not your best.
Read The 36 Hour Day. Also use Poise pads #6 inside diaper to help keep the person you are taking care of for overnight protection. You can also use #4 during the day. Don't peel back the paper all the way just enough to hold in place. You can remove them & then replace rather than having to replace the entire diaper.
# __? Trying to keep a dementia patient happy is exhausting and futile. Remembering that statement has kept me sane when my mother is being extremely difficult.
Accept the "new norm" whatever that may be. Quit trying to make your loved one's home as clean as you'd like it to be, or throw out stuff that is making YOU crazy, it's THEIR junk. Oh, I mean, important treasures. Mother keeps a purple plastic garbage can won at BINGO next to her priceless Lladro statue. Drives me bats, but she doesn't even see it. However---if I moved it!! Accept what you cannot change! (But do keep pathways clear from tripping/falling obstacles--even if it means newspapers are piled 4' high on the side of the hall! Keep a sense of humor. And, chocolate. For you, not them.
If your parents are still clear minded and mobile, have them decide on ONE bank to use for all their banking. Then close all the other accounts... but first check to see if any social security is coming to one account... if any secondary insurance is being taken out of another account... if the gas and/or electric is being paid from yet another bank.... don't close those bank accounts until the new account is given and those items are coming and going smoothly from that new account. I made the mistake of closing such accounts and my parents got late payment fees... oops.
Same with stocks. My parents had a stock broker, but I didn't know that my parents had other stocks scattered in stock type websites. Rounding those up wasn't easy. The reason was my Dad didn't want his stock broker to know how much money he had :P Seriously?
Also check to see if there are any savings bonds, get those cashed unless you are named benedictory and want to deal with them later.
Every time my mom hobbled off to the bathroom, I'd look at her credit card statement, flip through her check stubs or cancelled checks, quickly scan her mail. (Sometimes I would snap quick photos with my phone. Or take notes.)
That's how I learned about mom's QVC problem. And her outsized contributions to religious charities. And her gross misrepresentation (OK, lies) about her real estate investments. And so on.
Once you become a caregiver, phrases like "I'm fine" or "I know what I'm doing" are often red flags. Silly me, I started off actually believing mom when she said that crap. What a mistake.
Pictures were easier than words for my dad. It also helped the AL staff know where to put things for him
Logic and sundowner don't mix ! Patience, love take a breath. .and for me just do it again
In the end, you most likely cannot "fix" this person. Trying to understand what is causing the behavior can go a long way toward helping. However, caregivers grieve and feel guilt and are inundated with needs. They suffer from being torn between loved ones and their own needs. Between exhaustion and guilt. Don't expect yourself to be perfect or to make things perfect for others. Just do the best that you can and get outside help in any manner available.
Additionally, keep coming back to this wonderful community for support and practical help.
Caregivers - take care of yourselves somehow!
Carol
This site is a blessing to me if just too vent and share what ever it is, maybe someone out her won't feel their all alone.
Thanks George
Sounds minor, but if your loved one lives in AL, with someone else as POA w/all mail coming to POA's address, consider having one bill or something come to the AL to establish legal residency.
When mom moved to PA from RI, she needed a legal photo ID, which meant bringing mom to the DMV. They wouldn't issue the ID w/out proof of PA residency, but all her mail came to me. The AL had to write a letter stating it was her legal address, plus I had to bring a copy of the residence agreement to the DMV, to be approved by a supervisor.
Mom enjoyed the outing, but I felt like I had gone into battle! Another skirmish in a long war.