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Not clear where we are number-wise, but it doesn't really matter if we top 100, does it?

Sounds minor, but if your loved one lives in AL, with someone else as POA w/all mail coming to POA's address, consider having one bill or something come to the AL to establish legal residency.

When mom moved to PA from RI, she needed a legal photo ID, which meant bringing mom to the DMV. They wouldn't issue the ID w/out proof of PA residency, but all her mail came to me. The AL had to write a letter stating it was her legal address, plus I had to bring a copy of the residence agreement to the DMV, to be approved by a supervisor.

Mom enjoyed the outing, but I felt like I had gone into battle! Another skirmish in a long war.
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Note which friends say "please let me know if there is anything I can do to help". If they live close to the person who needs care then every couple of months ask them for something. Pick up a prescription; bring your parent eggs and milk; stay at the house for a visit while you run an errand. Make it simple, but do take advantage of the offer. It will give you breathing space.
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Yes tessabella66, yes i understand your frustration. Life for us changes but, well take a breath and know your not alone. .a great site even too vent.
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Your life will never be the same if you are a caregiver for your own family. It's the pits, even if you love them and treat them nice. You are not able to take vacations like you use to, only people who are caregivers can understand. You sometimes feel all alone. Your social life is not the same because you have to brings the elder with you, Taking them out to diner is not pleasant, they say never eat that before, when all their lives they have. Every aspect is a challenge which has been given to you by the Lord and we must make the best of it.
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Im responding toyour thoughts Carol thanks for sharing. This for me as a personal caregiver an only child and very unusual have only her at 96 , I'm blessed. Yesterday was an experience of sundowner beyond that which I've ever experienced. I agree that their past is re-lived at a moments notice. Or not noticed by me. My Faith brought me threw maybe the worse evening I've had with my mom, in fact I didn't sleep, hardly. Yet this morning she has no recolition, of even seeing me yesterday. Too personal caregivers remember just get thru that moment.
This site is a blessing to me if just too vent and share what ever it is, maybe someone out her won't feel their all alone.
Thanks George
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Pray you get through another day...caregivers rule!
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Be prepared for irritated skin and bed sores. Sheep skin will help the irritated skin and Duoderm patches will help protect the bed sores
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If they can afford it, invest in a Tempurpedic adjustable bed. As they become weaker and more frail, the soft mattress is so much easier on their bodies and the adjusting can help in bed bathing and meals in bed
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1st, reconsider if you want to give up your entire life to do this. For three years now, Every two months, My brother and I take turns caring for both of our parents with late stage Alzheimer's dementia 24/7 in their home. We are both in our late 60's and for 6 months out of the year we cannot live our own lives...don't see our wives much, kids, grandkids, go fishing, go to our own doctors, see movies, etc. nothing but care for them. They are 89, barely able to get around in house, can't leave to go to doctor without additional help. Plan early in their dementia ( like now) for them to need to go to a nursing home. Advanced dementia with all its complications, like wandering, incontince, up all night , anger, crying, babbling, not knowing who you are, etc., are very difficult to manage at home by yourself. Have a will, advanced directives , POA for health and finances, living will, bank info, funeral arrangements in place. Plan to make end of life decisions, speak and listen on their behalf with doctors, banks, Medicare (Like Humana). Have their credit cards , utilities, etc set up on auto payment so you don't have to write multiple checks each month. ( it's like managing two households). If your care receivers have some assets but may need Medicaid in the future, learn Medicaid lookback rules and make only allowable expenditures. I don't mean to sound bitter, I'm not. We love our parents and did this willingly , now a nursing home is in their very near future. Our capabilities have been reached. Hindsight is quite the teacher. Like I said , reconsider the enormity of 24/7 dementia care.
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Remember that if the person has dementia, he or she isn't acting out intentionally. There is a combination of fear, anxiety, confusion, physical pain - all of this would make most people "act out." If dementia is not the issue, still consider pain, depression, and loneliness as possibilities that may cause negative behavior. That being said, if the person always loved being miserable the behaviors will not likely change.

In the end, you most likely cannot "fix" this person. Trying to understand what is causing the behavior can go a long way toward helping. However, caregivers grieve and feel guilt and are inundated with needs. They suffer from being torn between loved ones and their own needs. Between exhaustion and guilt. Don't expect yourself to be perfect or to make things perfect for others. Just do the best that you can and get outside help in any manner available.

Additionally, keep coming back to this wonderful community for support and practical help.
Caregivers - take care of yourselves somehow!
Carol
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As a personal care giver (only child) #1 like on a plane when the mask drops put it on your self first, if you fall ill who will care for your loved one ?
Logic and sundowner don't mix ! Patience, love take a breath. .and for me just do it again
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ART CLIPS - our OT had me print out ART CLIPS for my dads' room to show where his undershirts were, his cookies, his cups, his pj's. I place them on the drawers and cabinet doors.
Pictures were easier than words for my dad. It also helped the AL staff know where to put things for him
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Don't forget to breath. Stop - count to 10- and breath. Giving yourself a timeout can be very helpful.
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#66 -- If your aging loved one is secretive, dishonest, paranoid or has cognitive issues (or any combination thereof), you need to snoop and spy. If it feels wrong, tough sh*t. Too much is on the line. You can make your best assessment only with REAL info. NOT The World According To Your Deluded Parent's Delusions.

Every time my mom hobbled off to the bathroom, I'd look at her credit card statement, flip through her check stubs or cancelled checks, quickly scan her mail. (Sometimes I would snap quick photos with my phone. Or take notes.)

That's how I learned about mom's QVC problem. And her outsized contributions to religious charities. And her gross misrepresentation (OK, lies) about her real estate investments. And so on.

Once you become a caregiver, phrases like "I'm fine" or "I know what I'm doing" are often red flags. Silly me, I started off actually believing mom when she said that crap. What a mistake.
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#57 - mom had 11 bank acc'ts in same bank [ us$ acc't, TFSA, saving acc't, etc etc] - I condensed them into 3 which reduced paperwork quite a bit - whenever possible STREAMLINE for your own sanity plus saves trees in reducing all those statements into 1 or 2
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#56 get an eldercare attorney or estate planner whose primary interest is NOT selling you various financial products of dubious value themselves involved, before you desperately need one. If you are likely to end up needing Medicaid, get one who demonstrates knowledge of your state's Medicaid regs on their website or in person.
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As a corollary to #54 above or maybe #55 if I have the count correct - round up ALL the important papers from the various nooks and crannies at home and organize them well; I recommend scanning them in and putting them in Dropbox or something like that online so you can get them from anywhere if you've misplaced the paper copies. I'd say keep originals in a fire safe lock box and have copies to carry of the POAs and anything else critical in a portable binder. Old insurance policies can be a bane if they have changed hands multiple times and you have to get face value or statements of no face (cash) value for Medicaid purposes - because Medicaid looks up all that stuff and will ask you about every single last one of them. Keep their account separate from your personal one too.
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Another thing with finances, I noticed with my parents they had opened up bank accounts in every nearby bank within a 5 mile radius.... that must have been back when banks gave out free toasters or a set of glasses for any new account :P

If your parents are still clear minded and mobile, have them decide on ONE bank to use for all their banking. Then close all the other accounts... but first check to see if any social security is coming to one account... if any secondary insurance is being taken out of another account... if the gas and/or electric is being paid from yet another bank.... don't close those bank accounts until the new account is given and those items are coming and going smoothly from that new account. I made the mistake of closing such accounts and my parents got late payment fees... oops.

Same with stocks. My parents had a stock broker, but I didn't know that my parents had other stocks scattered in stock type websites. Rounding those up wasn't easy. The reason was my Dad didn't want his stock broker to know how much money he had :P Seriously?

Also check to see if there are any savings bonds, get those cashed unless you are named benedictory and want to deal with them later.
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Oh and count to ten......a lot.
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Make small changes to make things easier for them. Put a pullout shelf in the pot and pan cabinet, use a closet purse organizer for their depends so they will be at a level easy to get to. Put furniture sliders under their chair legs so they can slide in and out on the carpet easier. Put food closer to the front and on the upper shelves so they can see it. Keep lots of treats on hand. Put handles at all entrances so they have something stable to hold onto if they have to go up a step. If you have cloth seats in your car cut up a flannel backed vinyl tablecloth to put on the seats. The flannel sticks so it stays in place but their clothing slides on the vinyl making it much easier to get in and out.
As someone else pointed out always leave 1/2 hour earlier because like my mom says "We are like two year olds. We have to go to the bathroom before we go and you have to get our coats on and we are just plain slow!" Gotta love her she's right about that.
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#51 - Take joy in the little things. My dad asked if he could help us bake cookies the other day. It was the break and bake kind you buy in the grocery store. We told him how to break them apart and had him place a certain number on the trays. All I did was rearrange them so they were not touching the sides or other cookies, take care of the oven and the hot trays when they came out. We (mom, dad and myself) had a good time!
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#50 - When you take your loved one to an appointment write it up in an email - include dr's name, address, phone number, what was discussed and any further treatment as well include time needed etc - send to yourself so you have a running record & dedicate a folder for this - copy other family members so they are aware of what the health of the person needing care truly is ... especially whoever is next in line to be POA just in case you get ill
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If they are still living independently but unable to manage finances, fill out change of address forms for all banks, credit cards, etc and have all bills and statements sent to you. Make their checking account joint with your name so you can take over payments, but open another account for them with just minimal money in it. (This gives them a sense that they are still in charge of money rather than giving everything up)
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Ok...that was # 48
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If it's time for nursing home care, try first to find an assisted living with "ageing in place". Not all states have this, but the ones that do might take your loved one if they can at least transfer from the bed to a wheel chair or to the bathroom, and can dress themselves (not counting suspenders or belts). Assisted living facilities are usually nicer then nursing homes and cost less. They won't be asked to move and will be allowed to "Age in Place"....As they gradually need more help they will provide it.
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#47 If you want to ask them what they would like for dinner to make them feel more involved it is ok to do so. My suggestion is to say what you would like for them to have second. As they get further along they will always select the last item you say. "Do you want a hamburger or a sub sandwich?" Most of the time he will say the Sub Sandwich.
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Arg, I typed #46 then changed it. Ok, that's ^^^ #46. ;-)
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#45 ~ If you're caregiving to Loved Ones w/ or w/o dementia, learn about and tap into the senior resources in your area. There are a dozen different ways my community uses tax revenue to help local area seniors, for free or little cost. Things like a "device pantry" (walkers, wheelchairs, etc., left by others for those in need), shuttles to medical or shopping, lawn mowing and snow clearing, companion programs, free medical screenings, income tax preparation, exercise classes, hot lunch programs, free public transit (bus and train cards), social outings and events, health fairs, welfare checks by local LEOs. All of that is offered in my area to local seniors.

(Did someone say something about this already? I didn't see it.)
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#45.... downsize as soon as possible.

It doesn't necessary mean the house, but the "stuff" [as George Carlin would call it] inside the house.

Yes, an almost impossible task as an elder would like to keep every knick knack they bought since the 1930's. You could try by saying to the Elder there is a hospital rummage sale and they really need donations, plus you get a tax write-off on your income taxes. Or the library is having a used book drive, are there any books you could donate to make others happy.
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I might add that change can be scary for the kids too. It was so much easier for the family to accept the status quo after my mom became a widow and lost her eyesight than to even think about helping her to sell the family home.
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