I have just joined this site and have read many of the comments by other members.
My story is much like some, my mother is 86, still in fairly good health, not able to see very well, and needs assistance to go from place to place.
My husband and I have shouldered the burden because my four siblings think that a two week stretch with her every year ends their obligation.
As of lately, my mother's short-term memory is suffering, and her ability to understand things is practically gone. I find myself getting very aggravated and lose my patience very quickly. I do not know how to overcome this yet because she can be so mean to everyone and I get even more angry. I am constantly putting out fires between her and my husband and children. My children were teenagers when she moved in and now that they are adults, I am missing a great opportunity to repair some of the damage caused by my mother moving in. Working a full-time job and taking care of mom makes this impossible because not only is she demanding, she is jealous of my relationship with my kids.
I have great empathy for my mom. I can understand how lonely she gets, and how frustrating it must be to know this is her last round. However, we may end up hating each other here in the near future. She will not even listen to a suggestion of assisted living, it is out of the question. I sometimes wish I could run away and someone else would have to take care of her.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Yes, the choice is your's. And even if "she won't even listen to a suggestion of assisted living", that should also be your choice. My Dad wouldn't consider "living if he couldn't take care of himself." So, there was never any discussion about assisted living. If she is getting mentally impaired, and causing so much grief in your household, it may be the best place for her and you. Do not feel guilty about taking care of her at home, if she has funds available for assisted living. If there's no funds available, there are nursing homes that have medicaid rooms available.

The assisted living place where my Dad is currently - is a totally dementia facility where everything from the way it's laid out, to the decoration and lighting is done with dementia residents in mind. The whole staff is trained on how to converse with, manage and redirect dementia residents. They have more knowledge and skill plus 24/7 expertise - than any other one person (me or my sister) could have individually. They make their every day a successful and joyful one.

That said, he only wants to be home. He's only been there a week. The staff tell us he's very happy except when we visit - because we remind him of his way to go home. The staff nurse advises us, though, that when he advances to his next stage of dementia, he won't remember this initiation part. That makes it a little easier, though not easy yet.

Your life shouldn't have to be "putting out fires" trying to run interference between your Mom and the rest of your family or feeling like you have to apologize for having the lion's share of the care responsibility because your siblings aren't more involved. Would it be possible to have a "family meeting" and, at least, get their support for placing your Mom? I can't help but believe, that in her past right mind, she wouldn't have wanted to put such a strain on your life. Being a mother and a wife and working full time is enough of a job for any superwoman.

Good luck with your Mom, siblings and family. Bigsister

I think this comes down to a choice which is priority, your immediate family or your mother. Many on this site will definitely tell you its family first, which I thoroughly agree with, but the choice really needs to be yours. You must factor in a LOT of issues that will be involved in this decision.

What are you really asking? Should you move her into a nursing home or assisted living facility to get peace back in your house?

Each of us here on this site have come to our own conclusions. None of them easy and none of them without tears. It is something that we can support you and completely understand the level of difficulty you are experiencing.

Do not be afraid to ask for help, vent or for experiences. There are plenty of them out here. Do you really want a life without mother or a life with mother in a different location?

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter