Follow
Share
Read More
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing
People often comment when they're having a bad day, or having problems and need support. I don't comment often because I don't have many problems. My biggest problem right now is figuring out a major move we're going to make from S. Cal to the Pacific NW, and how best to accomplish that with selling houses, buying houses, finding new doctors, insurance, etc, and doing it with minimal disturbance to everyone's daily lives. HA!

My husband's cousin and his wife have had the MIL living with them for at least the past 15 yrs. She suffers from Alzheimers, and is the sweetest thing in the world. She is always present at all the family events, helps out at whatever she is capable of doing. Last year they bought an RV and set up the bedroom with MIL's familiar belongings and took a nice vacation. They now do that regularly, and she enjoys it a lot. She's able to point out deer, bear and other wildlife they see. They were also able to travel to Nebraska to see her brother, who has Lewy Body Dementia shortly before he died. They couldn't communicate, but held hands. So no, not all caregiving stories are horror stories.
(7)
Report

Why would anyone get married knowing that a lot of people get divorced? why do people have children when childbirth is tough, raising them is tough, making decisions is tough? It's a challenge with everything in life but you yourself can only see if the glass is half empty or half full.....LOVE. I love my Mother! I am going to do my best to take care on her. She did this for me as a child and now I will do this for her. I have become so much closer to my mom in the last couple of months than my whole life. I'm thankful for having this time with her. Yes it can be tough and that's where this site helps, but in the end, I can say I did it☺ LOVE
(5)
Report

Margaret,
Your profile states you care for your grandmother in AL. You are fortunate to not need to take on the daily frustrations of feeding, cleaning and bathing a elder, much less an elder with dementia.
I am sure you have learned from the experience with your grandmother.
Ask yourself why YOU do it, and whether you would be willing to do so again, and if the need arises, whether you can do hands on caregiving.
The top thing I have learned from this site is that people who endeavor this for the wrong reason ( save elders assets for their inheritance, try to keep mom's house, "retire" early thinking this is a easy gig and someone should pay them) end up miserable and likely are making the elder miserable as well.

People who seem to take it on for love become stronger people. There are a few people on this board whom I have never met and yet have a great deal of respect for.

Best of luck to you on your journey,
L
(6)
Report

Not all caregivers are members of AC.. Most of us gradually took on our caregiver role.. We helped out our parents/friend etc. With good intentions and their needs increased and we continued to support them..
(5)
Report

I think I am asking a legitimate question, and I think the responses are very revealing.
(2)
Report

Margarets, you are coming across, to me, like a "concern troll." What is your point in keeping ongoing negativity in this thread unnecessarily when commenters here have given you feedback to your question in good faith?
(4)
Report

I'm from a very very dysfunctional childhood. No hugs, encouragements, etc.. Raised in fear - to do good, to obey and not question, etc.. One sibling got into trouble, we all had to line up and get spanked along with that sibling. Parent's reasoning maybe if we had stopped said sibling, we wouldn't have to be spanked? Spanking from hard leather belt, minimum 5 spanking per child with each lash an emphasis of angry mother. Do you know how terrifying it is to stand there in line waiting to be next? What little memories I have of my childhood, is hiding under the dinner table with my younger siblings - all terrified and hoping our mom wouldn't find us there. Mom chasing dad with the butcher's knife as he ran laughing, mom attacking the locked bathroom door trying to break it down as dad kept laughing inside while all 8 of us kids from the age of 6 to 18 sitting quietly watching the whole thing. On and on and on. My siblings got pregnant early just to get away from home. Everyone fled as soon as they could. I, unfortunately, found God at the age of 21. Mom got diagnosed with dementia when I was age 23. Dad had to retire to watch mom. He needed help. I made the decision to stay home to help him. Cried over this decision on an elder's wife's shoulder. I did not want to do this.

It was here on this site that I found friendship, understanding, and knowledge. It was here that I turned to when I became suicidal because that was the only way I can walk away from my religious obligations - death and the prison I found myself in. It was here that I learned to appreciate HUGS in my wall. And just last year, I had my first real HUG from my baby brother (at mom's funeral)! Nothing can beat a real HUG but... I still value the cyber HUGs here. I'm not choosy. Beggars can't be choosers.

Most recently, the elder asked me if I regretted knowing about God. You see, I never hid the truth that I had stopped praying to God years and years ago. So, when he asked me that question, I answered, "No, I don't regret knowing God. I do regret learning what the Bible says." See... the elder visits regularly all these years to make sure that I'm still on the narrow path and not straying.... Religious obligation....
(4)
Report

Religious obligation.
(2)
Report

I don't see much evidence of that.
(0)
Report

We told you. LOVE.
(2)
Report

So, my question is not "what are some reasons for visiting this site?" but "why would anyone be a caregiver considering how hard and risky it is?"
(0)
Report

Same as what ba8alou said above... I also have learned things I would never know and probably fret over when there is an easy solution.

I learned how dementia can really change lives.... how a simple UTI can cause an elder to become violent [who would have thought].... that there are law specialty for elders.... how to ignore some silly stuff that an elder parent might say or to just agree with them and let it go instead of always trying to correct their stories.

I am also learning here that there are aging children who are in their late 70's and early 80's trying to care for their elder parents who are in their early 100's.... I am also learning there are people in their early 50's caring for aging parents in their 80's and also trying to also give equal attention to their middle school and high school aged children [sandwiched generation].

I've also learned that my parents made their choice to continue to live in their own home, and that they have to live with the outcome of the choice. If I had my say, they would be in a retirement community which they could easily afford.
My parents keep telling me I will inherit their estate, I don't want their money, use it to hire people to help. I would be too tired and stressed to enjoy one penny of it.
(2)
Report

My mom is in a nh. My brothers and I realized long ago that none of us had the wherewithal to care for her adequately and she would have felt like a burden. My parents saved and mom has adequate resources to fund nh for several yesrs. Siblings and I are all self supporting. I'm here on this site because I'm mom's medical poa and there is lots I don't know. I've learned about utis, post stroke stuff, how to refuse discharge of a parent who shouldn't be out of the hospital. I learned that I shouldn't interfere in my mil's care. So that's why I'm here. I'm learning.
(3)
Report

Well, there ARE good and great caregiving situations out there. You hear about them more from friends, and very few people in these situations have major needs to post on here, as has been pointed out - this site selects for those of us finding it difficult. I had a friend, a Baptist minister, whose parents gave him the house well over 10 years in advance and trusted him with their care, and he ws worthy of that trust. He missed them when it was over but there were no deep emotional scars and no prolonged court battles or needs for APS. That's more of what it is supposed to be like. There really are many lovely elderly people who love life and love their families and aren't worried silly over themselves. Some of them are pretty independent and have made lifelong efforts to keep themselves as functional and healthy as possible - some have unpreventable illnesses or conditions but don't see fit to, or have kept enough of their wits about them to avoid, dumping their misery and anger all over everyone else, and feel grateful towards their caregivers and express that often. There are emotionally healthy people in this world who do not need to blame someone else for anything that is wrong.

I did read this story here today though: "My 88 year old father has been living with me for about 2 years now.. He is a very sweet Man and I love him very much. I'm thankful I have this opportunity to help and care for him. it has its challenges, but I feel blessed. He loves to talk and tell his stories. he sure has some good ones. I hope and pray that he is with us for a long time. its also been great for my girls, his 2 Granddaughters."

The "normal" caregiving journey is very different than the ones most commonly written about here. I think most of us thought caregiving would be rewarding and a chance to give and receive love, and we ended up on here when it turned out to be a little bit of that, and a lot more of being hated on, used and abused, accused of doing bad things while doing our best, having others give in to greed and laziness, and having necessary care resisted or refused at every turn. I think it helps to stop and think a minute about what a good, healthy, caregiving relationship might actually be like, and how much it really does differ from what we have been through.
(5)
Report

JessieBelle, agreed - it is a feel-bad question. But as for the "a loved one needs help so I'll do it" rationale, I don't think that means that good judgement and basic self-preservation go out the window. Or it shouldn't.
(1)
Report

JeanetteB, thanks for asking :)

I have no idea what is going on. I've really distanced myself from it all.

That said, I fully expect there will be another crisis that someone will try to drag me into. ::eyeroll::
(0)
Report

What ISM said^^^^^^!!!
(3)
Report

Why? Love. There is no inheritance or salary big enough to make me undertake this for anyone other than a truly loved one.
(5)
Report

Jessie, exactly!!

It was either me or a NH after my dad passed. Mom wasn't far enough along for a NH and had a good 18 months and still some good days ahead of her. All 3 of my older brothers are too busy with whatever it is they do.
(5)
Report

This is certainly a feel-bad question. Anyone who is a hands-on caregiver already understands. It is really a simple matter. A loved one needs help and so someone helps. It would be nice if more than one person would help, but it's often not the way it is. The one person that decides to help will hang on until the loved one moves on or drives them stark raving mad.
(12)
Report

Margarets,

I am wondering how your grandmother is doing in the AL and if you're mother is still robbing her blind? Did you eventually just stay away from all of them?
(0)
Report

You don't know until you're in the middle of it, how many difficult judgement calls you need to make. I definitely have mixed motives at times. Considering my father's wishes (he died almost 5 years ago), and balancing that against what my mother's freedoms are (even though she has dementia, she doesn't comprehend her choices, and would not have made unsound financial moves when she had all her faculties). Knowing that my parents probably would have continued to enable my brother by giving him $, but deciding for myself that it's time to close the Bank of Mom and Dad and encourage brother to stop relying on periodic handouts. Doing this not just because it makes practical sense, and it's part of my duties as POA to use my mother's money for HER care, but also because I refuse to take on one more person's problems. I also wonder if my parents realized that my brother would have NO involvement at all, and that I would be 100% responsible for everything. I definitely don't think they had any idea what it would all entail. My father took care of his parents, and I know it wasn't easy for him at all, but his situation was different than mine is. And my mother? She didn't take care of her parents at all. Her sister lived locally near their mother, and handled absolutely everything.
Some families are more dysfunctional than others, and the more screwed up it is, the harder it is. But I think there are all sorts of challenges, no matter how 'perfect' the family is.
(3)
Report

MM - also meant to add to your comment about some caregivers being motivated by self-interest. That is definitely part of it, but they find they've bitten off more than they can chew and have painted themselves into a corner. (Yes, I'm playing fast and loose with the metaphors today! Bwahahahaha!)
(1)
Report

MaggieMarshall, I'm not saying all the people who post here are dysfunctional. Many are fine people, but they are often in dysfunctional situations. Why would someone whose caregiving experience has been smooth sailing come here in the first place? They wouldn't, in general.
(3)
Report

There is nobody else to care for my father. My sister is too busy planning her daughters wedding even though the girl has been shacking up for years. That's why I am doing it.
(1)
Report

margarets, is there such a thing as a good caregiving situation? Our parents could be in a 5-start resort type retirement home, and we would still be posting here asking for suggestions.
(5)
Report

There's no doubt about it. It's difficult. And many people shouldn't even attempt being full-time caregivers. But they do. And many are financially motivated. They don't want their parent(s) to spend their inheritance. They want free room-and-board. They don't want to work at a regular job. So care take they do. Many times to the detriment of their loved one.

And the same problems our loved ones have with spending money on their own care taking, too many of us bring to the table when we're doing the care taking for them. We don't hire the help we need with their funds. We hoard their assets. We risk burnout and health issues ourselves. We fail to take charge and push unwanted advice aside. And we don't get the paperwork we need to do the job.

We THINK, if/when they move in with us, that we'll have it easier financially. Suddenly, they're not supporting a separate home anymore. Their SS check comes in, and instead of spending it on THEIR care, which is what SHOULD be done, we think we an put in new carpeting with it. That's not what it's for. It's for them. THEIR needs. And their needs coincide most often with the care givers. They often just don't want to spent their loved one's money that way.

I read between the lines quite often here. There are people living horror shows of an existence because their kid(s) either want a free place to live (don't want their loved one put into a nursing home or independent living so the home would have to be sold) or want to preserve their parents' assets for themselves.

As for your inference that the only people who post here are dysfunctional, I completely disagree. This is a very helpful site for sharing what we've learned and overcoming problems.
(6)
Report

I wish everyone would read this website years prior to ever thinking of becoming a sole full-time caregiver. I know I have learned so much being on this website over the past year.

So many see their Mom and Dad [or spouse] as active, mobile, sharp, still driving, and enjoying retirement to the fullest.... so, of course, seeing ones parent in that condition, why not be their caregiver later in life :)

Then the oops starts in, and the *why didn't anyone tell us this is how it would be?* when the peaceful easy situations take a turn. I know I was blind-sided never realizing my parents would get to a point of not driving, not seeing, not hearing, etc. I never saw my grandparents when they were elderly in that condition, thus I had zero reference.

Now I live in worry-mode wondering what will be next. And all the what-ifs. I resent the fact that my parents didn't have a 5-year plan or 10-year plan.... why on earth are they still in a large single family house with a lot of stairs being in their mid-90's? Why didn't they plan on what to do for transportation when Dad stopped driving? Who did they think was going to get their groceries once they stopped driving? Oh, guess it would be me... let me quit work, reduce my own retirement fund, and be their cruise director :P But wait, I am a senior citizen myself.
(9)
Report

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter