I now understand why eskimo's put their elders on a slab of ice and push them out to sea!

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I know... Sounds terrible. And I know you have all been here at some point . I joined this forum so I wouldn't have to feel alone in this messed up journey. I've also done lots of reading here and WOW... Part of me thinks we are a special breed .. Taking on the challenges of caring for our parents. Another part thinks we are crazy as the day is long.
Yes! I have secretly wished my mother would die in her sleep!
Yes! I have lost my Sh*t and told her for the third time in 2 hours that I haven't thrown her things away.
Yes! I actually hate her some days.
Background .. My mom is 82 .. She is a hoarder of nice things , dishes , decorator items , shoes . handbags and watches just to name a few. Everything that comes out of her mouth is negative. She is derogatory, prejudice, self entitled and only considers herself. Every person who knows my mother has questioned my sanity for living with her. Including her own family. Since her accident, no one calls her. I'm sure they all did a collective cheer when they realized they would no longer have to assist with her care. My mom has never driven and after my dad passed away (whom by the way told me on his death bed that I better hold on .. Because my mother was going to be a massive pain in the a**) my Moms sister, my sister and myself took on the job of looking after her. Then my sister died. So it was me and my uncle doing all the driving. Then she broke her pelvis and that absolved my uncle from helping. After 2 major surgeries which she had no chance of surviving or so we were told .. One year of living with my ex husband with my mother until the house I bought could be renovated to keep her independent for as long as possible. Moving her entire household twice, we are now living in a beautifully renovated bungalow in a fantastic neighborhood. Everyone told me to put her in a home. But .. I promised my dad .. I would look after her.
So .... I can't change the living situation. It is what it is. I can't make my Mom happy .. No one can. I have to learn to live with this situation the best I can. She is full on abusive, she hates everything.
While I don't need advice, because I have peeled over all the boards so I know the take away is take care of your self, try to get moments of "me time" grab the "holy sh*t handles" of life and ride it out!
Maybe there will be a special place in heaven or where ever we go after we die. Or there is a bleacher full of those who passed before us sitting together, drinking a tall cool one and eating popcorn, holding their stomachs with laughter watching this circus called "living with an old person" unfold.
So .. My plan or coping skill is laughter. I don't feel sorry for myself anymore. I chose this journey and I will spend the last days or years of my Mom's life knowing it is her that has the problem, not me. I will laugh everyday when she insults me or others to our faces. She doesn't have dementia but that's what I tell people that she insults.
I will still take her shopping and to Dr Appointments. I will clean the poop in her bathroom and the long trail of mess she leaves because I forced her to live with me. And I will smile while doing it. Because I know ... She can't live forever .. She will try because the thought of no one ironing her tea towels will push her onward.
And the wonder of what will become of her 32 sets of dishes she owns that no on appreciates..
When the day comes that she passes .. I will hand out her collection of 2467 packages of paper napkins, 379 watches, several closets of meticulously ironed tea towels and then have the biggest Opa!!! Party in history.
If you have gotten this far .. Thank you! As a great daughter, I have bitten my tongue so many times the taste of blood has grown familiar. I look forward to reading all your stories in the future. And would strongly advise .. When you feel like you can't go on .. Laugh.

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Sneaky - some promises should be broken - I am sure you dad would say 'but not for that long'

We have our duty to our parents but we also have our duty to ourselves - others here are right what would happen if you die to your mom - I heard of daughter taking care of mom, then mom goes to NH, daughter follows a few years later, then daughter dies & mom had no one left

HUMOUR IS THE BEST MEDICINE - TAKE OFTEN & REPEATEDLY - few bad side affects
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Ok...I'm new to this. But I thank you for making me chuckle at your title! This is hard. No question about that.
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I always felt my parents would outlive me, so the bribe of inheriting the money and house didn't mean squat to me. I wanted my health back more than anything else. Told my parents to please use their savings to make life easier for them, they were in their 90's, because it was sure killing me :P
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Maybe you should ask yourself why you have to take on this job. She can get good care in assisted living and you get your life back somewhat.
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Your post made my day. I am going through the same thing, but with a 96 year old with Dementia. She is currently in a rehab facility, where she is totally refusing to cooperate. She has called them every foul name, under the sun. She hits and bites them. Then they say to me, " She is such a sweet little old lady". I just laugh and tell them, I know her better! She like your mother is a hoarder. She has lived with me in my small one bedroom house for three years now. We had previously lived in her home, which needed constant maintenance. She lived in a deed restricted community, that wrote us up every week for some violation! So I bought this house, thinking It would be fine for me after she passed. I'm now realizing she may outlive me! I thought I was going to enjoy my "golden years" only to realize it doesn't necessarily work that way. I guess I have more company than I thought. It's somehow reassuring. I feel silly saying this, but take care of yourself! That's what everyone tells me.
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I've asked myself that question and my only thought was "not my problem. I'll be dead." That is not being irresponsible, it is trying to keep things in perspective. Life will continue on after we're gone even when we think the world will stop. There are so many people who will fill in the gap that we once occupied.
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I chuckled when I read your opening sentence. Thanks I needed it so badly. Honestly I recognize myself reading your comments. I am a nurse so you would think I would recognize dementia when I see it. I did not. My mother is incredibly abusive, and that, in addition to my physical health (severe,psoriatic arthritis) and burnout, has put us both in a very vulnerable position, we're at a real crisis point. I'm glad you have a great sense of humor, you hide your pain really well. But you must ask, What will happen to mother if I die first. It can and does happen so often. Take care of yourself too, you deserve it.
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As I read your post the thing that struck me the saddest is the lack of knowledge of where you or your mother will spend eternity. In all due respect if you would like to talk to me about this...I would be happy to guide you so you will have peace. I am not a minister or scholar, but I do know the answer. May you find strength for your days ahead.
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Sneaky is busy ironing tea towels for company on thanksgiving day
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Save me a spot on the bleacher, or if I get there first I'll save you one!
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