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I know... Sounds terrible. And I know you have all been here at some point . I joined this forum so I wouldn't have to feel alone in this messed up journey. I've also done lots of reading here and WOW... Part of me thinks we are a special breed .. Taking on the challenges of caring for our parents. Another part thinks we are crazy as the day is long.
Yes! I have secretly wished my mother would die in her sleep!
Yes! I have lost my Sh*t and told her for the third time in 2 hours that I haven't thrown her things away.
Yes! I actually hate her some days.
Background .. My mom is 82 .. She is a hoarder of nice things , dishes , decorator items , shoes . handbags and watches just to name a few. Everything that comes out of her mouth is negative. She is derogatory, prejudice, self entitled and only considers herself. Every person who knows my mother has questioned my sanity for living with her. Including her own family. Since her accident, no one calls her. I'm sure they all did a collective cheer when they realized they would no longer have to assist with her care. My mom has never driven and after my dad passed away (whom by the way told me on his death bed that I better hold on .. Because my mother was going to be a massive pain in the a**) my Moms sister, my sister and myself took on the job of looking after her. Then my sister died. So it was me and my uncle doing all the driving. Then she broke her pelvis and that absolved my uncle from helping. After 2 major surgeries which she had no chance of surviving or so we were told .. One year of living with my ex husband with my mother until the house I bought could be renovated to keep her independent for as long as possible. Moving her entire household twice, we are now living in a beautifully renovated bungalow in a fantastic neighborhood. Everyone told me to put her in a home. But .. I promised my dad .. I would look after her.
So .... I can't change the living situation. It is what it is. I can't make my Mom happy .. No one can. I have to learn to live with this situation the best I can. She is full on abusive, she hates everything.
While I don't need advice, because I have peeled over all the boards so I know the take away is take care of your self, try to get moments of "me time" grab the "holy sh*t handles" of life and ride it out!
Maybe there will be a special place in heaven or where ever we go after we die. Or there is a bleacher full of those who passed before us sitting together, drinking a tall cool one and eating popcorn, holding their stomachs with laughter watching this circus called "living with an old person" unfold.
So .. My plan or coping skill is laughter. I don't feel sorry for myself anymore. I chose this journey and I will spend the last days or years of my Mom's life knowing it is her that has the problem, not me. I will laugh everyday when she insults me or others to our faces. She doesn't have dementia but that's what I tell people that she insults.
I will still take her shopping and to Dr Appointments. I will clean the poop in her bathroom and the long trail of mess she leaves because I forced her to live with me. And I will smile while doing it. Because I know ... She can't live forever .. She will try because the thought of no one ironing her tea towels will push her onward.
And the wonder of what will become of her 32 sets of dishes she owns that no on appreciates..
When the day comes that she passes .. I will hand out her collection of 2467 packages of paper napkins, 379 watches, several closets of meticulously ironed tea towels and then have the biggest Opa!!! Party in history.
If you have gotten this far .. Thank you! As a great daughter, I have bitten my tongue so many times the taste of blood has grown familiar. I look forward to reading all your stories in the future. And would strongly advise .. When you feel like you can't go on .. Laugh.

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Sneaky - some promises should be broken - I am sure you dad would say 'but not for that long'

We have our duty to our parents but we also have our duty to ourselves - others here are right what would happen if you die to your mom - I heard of daughter taking care of mom, then mom goes to NH, daughter follows a few years later, then daughter dies & mom had no one left

HUMOUR IS THE BEST MEDICINE - TAKE OFTEN & REPEATEDLY - few bad side affects
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Ok...I'm new to this. But I thank you for making me chuckle at your title! This is hard. No question about that.
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I always felt my parents would outlive me, so the bribe of inheriting the money and house didn't mean squat to me. I wanted my health back more than anything else. Told my parents to please use their savings to make life easier for them, they were in their 90's, because it was sure killing me :P
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Maybe you should ask yourself why you have to take on this job. She can get good care in assisted living and you get your life back somewhat.
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Your post made my day. I am going through the same thing, but with a 96 year old with Dementia. She is currently in a rehab facility, where she is totally refusing to cooperate. She has called them every foul name, under the sun. She hits and bites them. Then they say to me, " She is such a sweet little old lady". I just laugh and tell them, I know her better! She like your mother is a hoarder. She has lived with me in my small one bedroom house for three years now. We had previously lived in her home, which needed constant maintenance. She lived in a deed restricted community, that wrote us up every week for some violation! So I bought this house, thinking It would be fine for me after she passed. I'm now realizing she may outlive me! I thought I was going to enjoy my "golden years" only to realize it doesn't necessarily work that way. I guess I have more company than I thought. It's somehow reassuring. I feel silly saying this, but take care of yourself! That's what everyone tells me.
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I've asked myself that question and my only thought was "not my problem. I'll be dead." That is not being irresponsible, it is trying to keep things in perspective. Life will continue on after we're gone even when we think the world will stop. There are so many people who will fill in the gap that we once occupied.
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I chuckled when I read your opening sentence. Thanks I needed it so badly. Honestly I recognize myself reading your comments. I am a nurse so you would think I would recognize dementia when I see it. I did not. My mother is incredibly abusive, and that, in addition to my physical health (severe,psoriatic arthritis) and burnout, has put us both in a very vulnerable position, we're at a real crisis point. I'm glad you have a great sense of humor, you hide your pain really well. But you must ask, What will happen to mother if I die first. It can and does happen so often. Take care of yourself too, you deserve it.
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As I read your post the thing that struck me the saddest is the lack of knowledge of where you or your mother will spend eternity. In all due respect if you would like to talk to me about this...I would be happy to guide you so you will have peace. I am not a minister or scholar, but I do know the answer. May you find strength for your days ahead.
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Sneaky is busy ironing tea towels for company on thanksgiving day
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Save me a spot on the bleacher, or if I get there first I'll save you one!
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I am so sorry that sneakysnail wasn't here longer. She is great. Wonder if we can all put out some clairvoyant signals to call her back to the group.
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Sneaky, thank you for the belly laugh. I stumbled onto this board in desperation and your post made me laugh out loud. I myself am dreading Thanksgiving tomorrow with my mother who makes me crazy most days. I may take a moment to check in here tomorrow to see what stories y'all have to share. I believe humor is the best way to survive this situation we find ourselves in.
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Wow, Sneakysnail, you are a hoot and a half. LOL, LOL, LOL. I have always felt that laughter is the best medicine, the only medicine that has worked for me. There are those who do not agree and good for them I guess. But if you can't laugh then I feel sorry for you. Keep posting Sneakysnail!
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Sneaky, if you end up joining the bleacher creatures be sure and bring plenty of tea towels, serving platters and martini glasses.
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HOLY SH*T!!! You are too funny, and 80% of what you said is true here in our own version of the Funny Farm! Poop trails and all!

MsMadge, please say it ain't so! 10 more years, NO!
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Sneaky snail
You are a hoot and I hope you join the caregivers behaving badly thread where we laugh without guilt

I will say it is a good thing you have a sense of humor because your mama is young at 82 - wait until she is demented and 92!

About 10 years ago my niece and I were helping mom clear room in the garage and we came across a scorched saucepan and so naturally out it in the trash can - big mistake - mom had a fit we threw away her pot - when we asked what she needed it for she replied there might be an emergency that would require her to bail water with it - well she kept on and on until finally we had to go retrieve it to quiet her down

To this day I can't think of one emergency that would require me to bail water with a burned saucepan not even her flushing a depends down the toilet created a flood that bad - just saying
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Sounds good until you realize that "old people" were anyone over 30.
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I'll bring the hot toddies and binoculars.
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Sneaky, can't wait to read your memoir. Great post! See you in the bleachers...
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Jessiebelle - the garage sale after she's gone will be epic! I have a 500 sq ft storage room filled with decorator items.
Keller - a hoard is a hoard. My mom loves the dollar store.🙄
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Not sure which is worse. hoarding expensive crap or dollar store crap.
My mom is a dollar store hoarder
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ROFL. Be sure to invite me to the party, Sneakysnail. There might be something I can sell there. We'll split the money.
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CS, that version is the old eskimos' children's story - and they're sticking to it.
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I always thought the legend said it was the old people themselves who wandered off into the cold so as not to be a burden on the next generation, but I guess if there were narcissistic Eskimos your way would work too ;)
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Sneakysnail1, I enjoyed reading your message, sighing at some parts, and smiling at others. Yes, laughter is the best when it comes to dealing with some elders. For me the laughter comes maybe a few days later after something weird was happening.

One time a cousin of mine was trying to call my Dad at his previous home and wasn't getting an answer.... I was just in the process of doing "change of address" notes for my relatives. My cousin asked "ok, what did you do with my Uncle?".... I got her laughing by saying "he's now in the witness protection program".

My Dad lives in Memory Care but he still has his sense of humor and I can get him to laugh. I am still trying to wrap my head around his sundowning where he thinks he has been at corporate meetings all afternoon [actually he's been in his recliner napping], and that he had missed the bus to go home [that means his mind is back in the 1940's], so he will sleep at the hotel [Memory Care]. Dad has attended a lot of meetings in the past few months, no wonder he is tired :P
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I would put my mother on a slab of ice right now except the heat index is 103 outside. I try laughing and take an ativan.
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