Why do some people resist help from experienced caregivers/ family members that have gone through caregiving?


I am like a magnet to caregivers of elders. Not only elders, but especially those with a disability or some type of dementia. People who care, and can't deal with it alone, or have no clue of what to do in the future, or a plan to prepare. I listen and I try not to force an opinion. I recommend ways to guide them, in whatever point of care, recommmend assistance or resources. Point them in a helpful direction. I always hear from them " she/he doesn't do that, he/she's will never get that bad, we have it under control, the Dr. Says this or that is not the problem, passed the tests, the meds are fixing it, etc." I find myself sharing horror story's, to hopefully get them to realize..... no one knows, but you should prepare in case. Then a few days, months, years, go by and, I hear of falls, injuries, infections, strokes from meds, sugar issues, blood pressure problems, lost and in danger, causing fires, driving and getting into accidents....etc................. A CRISIS!!!! I guess I wish I had a crystal ball to show people... What if's!!!!

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I, as the caregiver, am not the reluctant one. It is my mother. And I have read this over and over on this forum. The elderly person will not accept care from outside sources. It’s easy to say “get outside help”. Much harder to force someone to accept it. In fact, practically impossible. Even with POA. My mother just fires them, won’t open the door, tells them to leave, tells them she doesnt need anything, etc. You cannot force an adult to accept help.

Blackhole, HA! I love it.... Dr Oz. With my Mom, if Dr Phil says it...he got it from Jesus Himself.

Denial is powerful. Mega-powerful. 

The conversations I tried to have with my aunt about my mom (her sis) were SO frustrating. Aunt and I were the only two who were there for Mom — who had severe neuro deterioration and the beginnings of Alzheimer’s. 

Aunt and I were NEVER on the same page. Never in unison with our approach or our goals. 

Aunt was blinded by old sh*t and fears from 60 years ago and accomplishments from 30 years ago. 

I was practical and aligned myself with current medical knowledge. I assesed what IS, and not what I wished. I also constantly reminded Aunt that Mom had $500K assets at her disposal. Meaning Mom had OPTIONS. Mom did not need to stumble around her hoarded home that she could not take care of — she chose to. 

Aunt would flit from one theory-du-jour to another. One day, Aunt insisted that Mom’s only problem was anxiety. The next day, “do you think she has Alzheimer’s?”  YES. “Oh, so she doesn’t have dementia!” [face palm] Oh but wait! Aunt learned from Dr. Oz that Mom is FINE!  She only has a vitamin deficiency!! Aunt also liked to dip into 2-hour tangent about Mom’s poverty and dire financial circumstances and THAT’s why Mom is confused and has poor balance. Huhhhhh???!? 

Those were bad years. Really bad years. Mom is gone now. Which leaves Aunt as darn-near my only living relative. I’ve gone low-contact, because she is so draining.

My lifetime budget for “Overlooking Crazy Talk” was used up by my mother, who actually had a brain disorder. (Two brain disorders, actually.) 

I have little-to-nothing left in the tank for people who are willfully obtuse. Shared DNA or not. 

Working as a nurse in a hospital, I have seen countless "what ifs" come true. I've heard countless family members claim they know better than the physicians and want to do it all on their own. I believe their own pride, as well as fear of knowing the truth often contribute to this.

The advice I can give is to keep on giving recommendations and pointing people to resources they can use. If they don't take your suggestions seriously, at least you did your part. We are a stubborn species.


Scared and lost and UNHEARD, like I feel. But it is my mil, not my mother, and not someone from MY family. But I read and read to LEARN and GET KNOWLEDGE FROM YOUR ANSWERS that I feel confident I can pass on. I may or may not be able to use EVERY PIECE OF ADVICE. Everyone's journey is different.

I hope people feel comfortable enough, to keep asking **and** keep answering. If not, why are any of us here?

With so many variables to each individual problem, any *one* person's single experience, can't possibly be *everyone's* answer or outcome. That's the beauty of multiple answers. Maybe it won't play out for the enquirer as it did for any single responder.

So dont be frustrated Wuvs. If your experience isn't right for that one person, at that time, I'm sure someone, following along on the sidelines, can learn and/or be helped by your advice.

For every one poster, there's probably 💯 people reading along, unknown to anyone here. Alone, confused, hurt, scared and lost.

You never know who can benefit from your words. And do we really need to know? Continue to Give freely.

We’ve dealt with this here on occasion. A poster will write that they are at their wit’s end caring for their loved one. I sometimes think they’re just seeking validation to do what they know in their heart needs to be done, whether it’s placing their LO in a facility, getting out of a toxic and sometimes dangerous situation, or dealing with uncaring and accusatory siblings or relatives. Some posters get pages and pages of answers and then either disappear, leaving us hanging and wondering or leave another post, weeks later, saying basically that they took none of our advice and things are exactly the same—asking for our advice again. It’s hard not to feel frustrated. I know how you feel.

Dont know wuvicecream. Gone through this several times and a couple with
needlessly tragic results as LO didn't get the care needed and died prematurely.

It's sad, it's frustrating, but unless you're the main care giver or POA, nothing
you can do. Some folks balk at doing all that work or appear to worry about
someone else offering help as it seems they don't want possibility of anyone else getting close to LO, even if it's just paid help.

A lot of seniors also don't like accepting help, or are in serious denial about how
much they've aged. Whatever the reason, it is very hard to stand by and watch
someone suffer needlessly :(

I have a dear friend whose 98 year old mom has dementia. My friend cannot hear anything I tell her, so I just listen and say, " oh dear".

I think for some folks, they need to learn by doing.