Was I wrong? Why do I feel so badly?


Haven't posted in a while. I really haven't had time. Quick update: put Dad back into IL facility, and thanks to therapy have learned to set some boundaries. Now that I know he's in a safe place, I have gotten better at saying "no". Unfortunately, most of my time is now spent holding down two jobs to help with the bills that the VA doesn't cover for Dad's care.

Anywho...every couple of months, after much begging, my sister will reluctantly pick Daddy up and take him back to his hometown (he gave her his house). Such was the case this weekend. I made sure everything was packed up and ready for Daddy (as usual) and left detailed instructions for her both written and via text on his needs.

I worked my full time job all day Friday and went straight to my second job (yes a 16 hour day). My second job has strict rules about cell phone use. We must keep them on SILENT during work hours so if I don't see my phone when an incoming call comes in, I have no idea someone is trying to contact me. We were extremely busy (hospitality industry), so I did not realize my sister had been trying to contact me for a couple of hours.

Needless to say, once my Dad got to his hometown, he had a panic attack. He has COPD and the panic attacks make it even harder for him to breathe. He has a rescue inhaler which they used, but he apparently kept asking for me and wanting to come back home. I'm sure this was scary for my sister and her daughter so while a part of me can understand their frustration, I don't think it merited the vicious text I received from my neice...

She basically said it was F***ed up that I purposely ignored their phone calls and texts and I was completely selfish and that I will feel bad once Daddy dies... multiple jobs or not I should have put Daddy first... that she was disappointed in me... blah blah blah...

Seriously? I'm nearly 40 years old and she was talking to me this way, and my sister ALLOWED it? I was soooo hurt.

Granted, this very disrespectful niece has NEVER visited her Grandpa and only sees him the few times he visits our hometown. I know it shouldn't bother me but it does. She said I was a bad daughter. That I was selfish... that she was disappointed in me?????!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Am I? Is it bad that I text my sister and let her know how hard it is to do this on my own?

I feel so guilty for even sending Daddy now. I just wanted a couple of days of rest... for FREE. We can't afford respite care.

I didn't purposely ignore my phone. I had no idea they were trying to contact me. Should I have paid more attention to the phone? What IF something would have happened?

Round and round we go.

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Agree with everyone. Since the onset of cell phones and texting, the millennial generation has a very different set of manners (none). Since they don't have to speak to the person, or face them, they have no qualms about being rude, cruel or insulting. Every bit of meanness is protected from the receiver's response or reaction. Your niece is not a nice person and she owes you an apology, as does your sister.
You did nothing wrong, and you are not responsible for being on call 24/7 when he is under their care. You did right by putting your father in IL so you both can have a life of your own - different generations needs others of their own age. The heck with your sister and niece. If they bring him home again, just remind them that your phone is off and you are not available when you are at work or when he is with them, so if they don't know what to do - take him to the ER.

Thanks everyone... this niece is 24 years old. Even at that age, if I would have behaved that way I would have been swallowing teeth.

It's still bothering me a bit, but I decided that I just won't send Dad to his hometown without me anymore. Sometimes I forget that my "new normal" can freak people out. Daddy was fine after the incident, but the scars of her words... however irrational... will last.

Since you are getting help setting boundaries.....how about your sis with the house help you out paying for Dad's care?

Tinyblu, I think your niece was totally out of line. I'm sure they knew you were working and they needed to figure out what to do, even if it was to take him to the ER for help. I hope that he did better after things calmed down. I'm sorry that this didn't go well, since I know you needed some down time when you didn't have to worry about things.

Tinyblu, I am so sorry that your niece was so mean and disrespectful and judgmental. I have relatives like that too. I have learned to ignore them and not get upset by them. Email and texting have become the easy way to spout out their anger. Since your employer wouldn't let you use the phone in any regard then you did the right thing. If you didn't have the job then the relatives would complain that you didn't work hard enough. You did the right thing.

Tinyblu, back when I was your niece's age and older we were taught to respect our elders. I would never in my wildest dreams ever think of saying anything out of line or raise my voice to one of my Aunts. Never.

It seems like ever since cellphones/texting has become the norm, people don't think twice about slamming others. Evidence is loud and clear even with our Presidential candidates.... what kind of role models are they portraying?

If I was in your shoes, I wouldn't feel badly, I would be royalty ticked off with the nonsense your niece that spewed.

Not sure how old your niece is, but it was immaturity on her part.

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