Follow
Share

Hi, I need to vent and talk a second. My father I deal with and posted paraplegic and my my mom is healthy but bipolar they are divorced. I'm a 40 year old grown up that still has issues dealing with things. I've posted on how my father is. Has to be his way. His landlord has given him a year to move out, but my dad wants a home with land so he can keep everything. My concerns are with his health and jmheko. I moved and did caregiving for 5 years learned thru burn out I can't do it when he won't give an inch. My mom is having her yearly bout of depression, works for schools so has a break coming up. My brothers are in prison or alcohol program. She gets so down this time of year. No matter what I've done over the years its the same. I'm getting so tired of it. She wants to throw all my brothers pictures away. I've said I will keep them, but no. She says I'm her only friend and she doesn't want to hurt me so wants to move away and end contact with me. My dad tells me he found someone to buy his "antique" furniture, then says well for a pickup. WTF. I can't deal. I'm very busy with work and my family. I love my parents, try so hard and yet it's like they are kids. It wears me down.

Find Care & Housing
Thanks for listening. I appreciate your thoughts. I do think I will find a therapist again to work on my boundaries. Sometimes when im tired it hits me harder. It's true they can't be happy. They want me to be There to make them happy. I used to do that. I love them, but can from a distance. Hugs and thank you.
(3)
Report

You are strong and your heart is in the right place, but it sounds like you are due for some (objective) mental reinforcement.

Do you have a relationship with a therapist now? If not, please consider finding one.

Mom’s year-end drama affects your holidays, too. It’s time to short-circuit that.

Mom would love for your every thought and every action to be all about her. Well tough sh*t. She’s a grown-azz woman and her mindset is wildly inappropriate. Dad is a handful, too.

Your primary commitment is to your husband and your immediate household. The goal is for you to be fully-present for him (them?) and with him (them?).

That is very different than you venting to him (them?) at home - and him (them?) trying like heck to be supportive without absorbing your pain.

I don’t know what it will take for you to pump the brakes with Mom & Dad, but a good therapist can help you get there. Re-defining how much of YOU your parents can have is the best gift you can give to yourself and your husband (and kids - if you have kids).

Your Mom and your Dad are incapable of being happy. Incapable of giving. Incapable of being supportive.

They’ll talk in circles and raise holy h*ll with or without you.

Nothing you do - or will do - or can do for your parents will be enough. Don’t chase it; embrace it.

A good therapist can help you find the freedom in this.

Re-setting your boundaries will require work and it will feel awkward. And it will be the best gift you can give to yourself. Do it!

(((big hugs)))
(4)
Report

Oh yes she has always done this. When I was younger I would apologize for thinfs that were not my fault. She can be so mean at times. I went to therapy and worked on how to not react in the same ways. It's just sometimes i wonder how people who love us do these things.
(1)
Report

This drama of saying she wants to throw out family albums. . . Do you think she does it because she knows it's a guaranteed way to get a rise out of you? This would wear on my nerves big time!
(4)
Report

Thank you for your comments. Yes the saga continues with my dad and his housing. I don't know why the landlord hasn't evicted him. He did raise the rent $300. My dad is mad about that because the landlord and his wife are living in a fifth wheel on the property. I tell him so it's his property and Its been over a year that the landlord asked him to move. And now he is going to add a broken down truck to the others things outside. My dad has major control issues all life. His way. I talked to his case worker and she said your dad is competent and can make bad decisions if he wants. He hates to go to doctors, even when he has sores because they get in your business. I help where I can and have stepped back. My mom she makes great progress and then boom back to throwing all her things out including my brothers baby books so she can move, which I told her I would hold on to them, but no she is mad at them. I said I want to see you guys reconnect and that will hurt them. So what She says they have hurt her. She tries to push me away. I tell her I love her. I know she is lonely and sad. I've tried to get her to go to counseling. Last weekend we helped clean her mom's, my grandma, house up because she has moved to assisted living. It went good. But now my mom is like I don't want to leave my things for others to go thru. I had borrowed her family albums to look for some pictures. Now She wants them back to throw out. She said she would give me the pile She would throw out. She gets time off at the holidays and it always heads to downward spiral. I do step back. My husband helps me. I just get tired of it. Sometimes when I'm tired it just hits me harder.
(0)
Report

In ur last post Dad had to move. Now he has a year? Or has to be out by EOY?

You may have to let Mom and Dad hit bottom. If Dad is competent, then he can make his own decisions. If he won't leave, then he will be evicted which doesn't take overnight. It sounds to me like Dad has some problems. Has he been evaluated for Dementia? It sounds like he is in his own little world and needs a reality check.

So sorry you have to deal with this but by law ur parents can make their own decisions and you are going to have to let them. Your family is ur priority. They come first. Just going to have to let parents do what they do.
(4)
Report

Smilebeth, sorry to hear the saga of your dad's housing issues continues! I'm glad at least his landlord is going to let him stay where he is for awhile, but if I recall correctly it's not optimal.

I think at this point your parents are just not going to change. . . Just brainstorming here but can you still love them and NOT try so hard? Is there anyway to detach from the day to day craziness?
(7)
Report

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter