My aunt died in the post-op rehab facility on the 28th. For her, it was probably a blessed release. Her sister, who is my mother, is like a vulture picking over her meager belongings and accusing (everyone) of pilfering my aunt's stuff. That's irritating, but she is in dementia herself, maybe an early stage, so it was to be expected. I will just minimize my contact with my mom so that I don't get triggered, at least until I have a bit more closure about my innocent old auntie, who was mentally handicapped since birth and who had a sad, lonely, confusing life for 73 years.
My stepmom, 81, fell a few weeks ago and insisted that "exercising" was the solution, so she kept making it worse. Never listened to me or the doctors. She also refuses to use her walker because they're for "weaklings", so she fell AGAIN a week ago. She's been lying on her back, writhing in pain in bed, sucking down Extra Strength Tylenol. Refuses to go to the doctor's for another set of xrays. So on Sunday, I said, "That's it. We're going to the doctor's on Monday." Compound fractures/severe osteo/on codone now.
I spoke to the doctor this morning who said instead, to take her to emergency. So poof! There went my work day. I'm worried my company is suffering because of their endless needs. I barely know my stepmom, but today, for the 3,000,000 time, I heard all about her eldest brother's eldest daughter's high school play (the kid is now older than me, and my stepmom has never met her even once!), and how her other brother Ben, "Why he was so funny, one time he said to Mother..." except it happened at least 8 years before she was even BORN and I've heard that story SO many times. I smile sweetly, do my duty, but later feel waves of rage at everyone else in the entire world...like the dingbat at the pharmacy who double parked and the ditzy girl who...you get it.
Then my biological mother called today to whine (and I do mean whine) about why I never come visit her...just as I was finally leaving the pharmacy to go BACK to my stepmom and bio dad's house for the third round trip today...
Tonight, my introverted, entitled boyfriend called around 8 PM and told me his news for the day. I really wanted to interrupt and say, "I don't give a $%^&!" But I got through his monologue and then he had the AUDACITY to say, "So tell me about your day in 10 words or less, because I don't want the whole story like usual." I wanted to beat him senseless!
Three people today were incredibly kind. Two of them were the electricians I'm trying to hire to come rewire my late grandpa's dilapidated house - at my expense, so that I can sell it and give every penny to my mom and her husband in exchange for "letting" me live here while I care for them. One said, "You spent six hours at the hospital today? You must have wings!" I felt like weeping when he said that, a man I've never even seen in person.
The third one who was SO kind was my stepmom when I brought back her medicine. But in between, all I could think of was, "Why did I get my Covid shots when all four of them tell me daily they want to die?"
I want to run away.
I want to stop being their daughter/slave girl
I want to be 100% selfish and go back to the beach city I come from and leave them all to die in this ugly, dilapidated midwestern town.
I miss all my friends at home and I am so soul-lonely here!
I want to live the second half of my 50s completely on my own terms, spending my time and money on things that matter to me and only me.
I want to change my phone number.
I wish I hadn't volunteered to help all these people.
OK. If you've read my outburst this far, you're a freakin' saint. I had to get this off my chest in a place where other people "get it" and know how flippin' hard this is to do this. I feel like they are sucking every ounce of life out of me. I feel like the Dread Pirate Roberts in Princess Bride when he's strapped to the machine by the evil count! (Ha ha!)
It is high time for you to "quit" your volunteer job. There are people in this world who get paid for the very things you are volunteering for - I think you need to find them and put them to work.
You don't deserve to be treated this way. No one deserves to be treated this way! You need to start to concentrate on you! Please, while you still have (relative) youth and health to enjoy life, please start to farm these responsibilities out and get back to living your life as you deserve to live it!
Oh, and P.S. - maybe I'm being judgmental, but your "boyfriend" sounds like a total a**hole. Maybe he's the first thing you need to ditch to start being happy - anyone in your life who speaks to you like that should be shown the door as fast as you can escort him there!
you need to be unavailable....
I get what you mean about having to listen to the same story the upteenth time. I was on the phone with my mom yesterday, listening to her complain yet again, I had to tell myself , breathe... let her.... breathe.... and I let her , so when your mom is not understanding why you are not visiting her.. jealousy? Breathe again , and tell yourself , you can’t do it all , move on...
I wish you luck, I am so glad I found this forum. ....Before I put my foot in it, with my in laws. I refuse. Does that make me a bad person, ... well in the eyes of my sister in law it does. But I don’t care. I’ve worked hard all my life, not to end up doing elder care and all that goes with it, the diapers etc. Brother in law who is FPOA, doesn’t want to hire help as he’s saving for inheritance..(by time they die there won’t be any)
Also, be sure you know what you're doing with selling that house and giving money to someone. If that "someone" ever needs Medicaid in the next 2.5 to 5 years, this transaction might prevent that.
When we are stressed we are much less able to tolerate little irritations because we are all raw. You are probably in Burnout and this is not sustainable for anyone. Just read other posts on this forum under the Burnout topic. So, you do have options and maybe none of them feel "good" right now but to some problems there are just no good or perfect solutions. But you do have control of your life. I wish you all the best as you move forward through the mire and pop out the other side. May you gain peace in your heart.