When you caregive out of duty rather than love...

I'm taking care of my 83 years old husband. He's been going down hill since 2014. ( I'm 70 years old but still strong and active) He had a Heart attack in 2014, Prostate Cancer Stage IV M1a in 2015, an Abdominal Aortic Aneurysm in Feb. of this year. Memory loss, has a hard time walking and now refuses to take his meds and see his doctors and all of us are struggling to get him to behave himself.

When he first got sick in 2014 I was very kind to him and compassionate, but then it was one illness after another. Doctor appointments, Hospital Stays, Pet Scans, MRI', EKG's, you name it, he had test for that, several times a week, and then one day I finally realized I was totally burned out. I hated him. Yet I loved him. But the sicker he became the more I hated it. I couldn't carry on a conversation with him anymore because he hadn't a memory to carry on a conversation, and I was frustrated and lonely and bored and wanted to run away. I still want to run away.

It if wasn't for God in my life, and me praying for forgiveness and strength and courage to carry on, I would be a basket case right now. Well...maybe I am a basket case, but God brings me peace and I know that this is what I have to do. It is the right thing to do, even though I want to run away very badly.

I also went through this when my mother passed away.

But you know what? I think this is a way that God helps us deal with the death of a loved one or friend. It gives us time to prepare for it. It gives a time to be brave, strong by hardening our hearts in order to face what is to come, ultimately our loved one's death. By us being strong, and perhaps seeming uncaring, really helps our loved one get through the dying process, because they know we are there for them, no matter what. They feel safe with us. Then, when it's over, we feel relieved, not just for them, but for us too, and it's at this time that all the emotions we bottled up inside of us spills out. We cry because it's finally over. We are relieved of all that stress. We cry because we wished we could have been better, showed more love, and then we cry because we know we will never see them again on this earth. And all that bitterness for having to be "stuck" with it all, turns into loving memories of them. Because time heals all wounds, right? And pretty soon we no longer remember the awfulness of it all, but only remember them with love.

Nancy N.

SueC1957 - I am so sorry your son doesn't want a relationship with you. It must hurt a lot. My best friend's son did the same to her despite her being a good mother to him, She cried and tried reaching out to him many times, but he wouldn't respond. His rejection left a hole in her heart.

Rosyday - Thank you for you honesty. I know exactly what you mean. I used to feel love for my mother (hugging and kissing), but now I had to lie when she asked me if I loved her. Thank goodness she hasn't asked that again.
She burdens me so much that I feel resentment towards her for making my life miserable. I am taking care of her out of duty only.

WOW. You have put in words that I could never really admit. My father and sister passed and then I became the caregiver for my Mom. We were lucky enough to have help but I resented the fact that I was left and had to deal with my narcissistic Mom. Did it for the passed 7 years traveling from NJ to NY. It was tough and we had our differences. I felt all I said was "yes, Mom, yes Mom" just so she wouldn't exhaust me. My Mom died this passed June. I was their and I have no regrets. I have learned from her mistakes, but also realized she showed her love the way she was capable of. I do miss her but know she is watching over me. You are not alone. Reach out for help when you can. Thank you for being so candied and have no regrets on your decisions.

The caretaking role and the necessity to detach destroyed any tender feelings I once had for my mother. The progression of her mental illness and now dementia have twisted her into something unrecognizable. My feelings are blunted so much, I feel like I've lost much of my humanity. Grief and pity are no substitute for love. Though I hate to admit it, I too care for my mother out of a sense of duty.

Rosyday - thanks for your honesty.
I think I started out with some feelings of fondness (love would be a stretch) for my mom when her Alzheimer's was diagnosed. But almost three years into being primary caregiver I do what I have to do and don't spend time analyzing my motives. I have sisters who will gladly do that for me.
The change in dynamics so that I'm now parenting my mother has transformed that initial fondness to being protective of her well being and advocating for proper care. And that's all I can muster given the shredder of emotions that Alzheimer's is on a daily basis.

My sister and I have always had a weird relationship. I have never known why; something happened before I was born. She is 18 years my senior. Now she is in the early stages of dementia and I am the only one left to look out for her. She is in an assisted living facility. We never visited much; she never visited me and I would go see her about twice a year. But now I feel if I don't go see her, no one else will. Right now I am her POA and try to handle her affairs, but I feel that I am going to be running out of steam real soon so far as going to see her, especially now that it is getting cold. I do try to call her every few days but she never has really talked to me on the phone and now is no different. I know I just need to persevere but I just needed to vent a little. I say all that to say, I can definitely relate.

Yup, me too. My mother was not physically or verbally demonstrative in the love category and she fits all the criteria for being narcissistic.
I was an "oops" baby. Mom and dad both drank too much, dad remained an alcoholic til he died, mom quit in her late 60's.

It "pains" me to have to hug her and kissing her makes me shudder. I feel weird and sick.
I'm her only kid (fancy that) and, thus, I have a responsibility no one else can fill. Her last husband died 30 years ago. Her bros and sisters are near her age (94).
You and I are doing our best. We visit and make sure all the responsibilities are taken care of. We pay the bills and bring little goodies.
This is all I can do. I tried to take care of her in my home and it didn't work out.
I don't hate her, I just don't feel the motherly love I've seen some girls have with their mothers. I'd even settle for a "girlfriend" relationship but it wasn't meant to be.

I wanted so much to change history when I had my son. I hugged and kissed him a lot, very loving and hands on. He's 28 and doesn't want a relationship with me. It really hurts, especially since I WAS NOT at all like my mother. Oh well.

Please don't feel bad for what it is. There is a reason you feel this way and are giving her everything she needs.
Not  everyone was born with a perfect mother.

I think there are a lot of us out there that feel like you do. I know I do.

Thank you everyone. It is sometimes hard when people assume you feel what they do. I did love my father and my heart broke when he died. I don't know if I ever loved my mother. Our relationship was so difficult and required me to constantly lie or hide the truth to keep the peace. Even about trivial matters, I lied. "Yes, mother you are right. Blue is my favorite color. Not green. I'm sorry I ever said I liked green."I don't think it's possible to love without ever being truthful. That she is broken allows compassion. That she tried so hard to break me, stops love.

Oh lord, I know what you mean!

My mom certainly cared for her mother out of a sense of duty, and not the kind of love (the kind that produces copious weeping at death) that you mean.

I wept when my mother died, but mostly from relief that her long ordeal was over.

I am trying, almost 4 months later, to capture some of the good moments that mom and I had in my childhood. I didn't have a bad childhood, just not a particularly joyful one.

My heart goes out to you.

You aren't alone, Rosyday. My stepmother and I always had a fraught relationship. She married my dad when I was 11 and she resented any time or money he spent on me. I never would have believed that 50 years later I'd be responsible for her.

Before my dad passed away he asked me to promise that I would be sure she was taken care of. I was also given power of attorney over all their affairs. He wanted me to promise that I'd always keep her at home but I told him that I couldn't promise that because of her dementia.

She hasn't recognized me for over a year. I visit her in the NH 3 or 4 times a week, do her laundry, and make sure that the staff are meeting her needs. I do this out of love for my dad and compassion for her as a human being.

Compassion, duty, responsibility. Those are good things, aren't they? I'm not sure what meaning love has if it doesn't produce them when they're needed, anyway.

Do you feel you're missing something?

Dear Rosyday,

You are a good daughter. After so many years of responsibility, duty and care there is also a lot of anger and resentment and that can dampen any feelings of love. It is so hard.

We never said "I love you" or "I care about you" or even asked "How are you feeling?" in my family. I think your actions do convey love. In my mind actions speak louder than words.

I could have written this post. Recently, I heard a woman during Sunday school class talking about her father who was very ill. She spoke with such love and concern and I just marvelled at her. I remember a time when I loved my mother fiercely and I recall driving home from college as a freshman when I could hardly wait to see her. I don't know when my feelings toward her changed, but what you stated describes my feelings also. My mother has suffered with manic depression (bipolar nowadays) and after more hospitalizations and episodes than I can count, I believe my emotions toward her have been numbed. Years ago, as she needed more care, I asked God to fill my heart with love for her, to help me see her as He did. Did I get the warm fuzzies? No, but I have moments when I do remember the love and I recognize how funny she is when she is mentally well. Responsibility, compassion, duty. You know, those are not bad attitudes to have toward our fellow man. I tell you this, Rosyday, I know I will cry when my mother dies as well as feel a sense of relief because she has suffered so much throughout her life. I would not be surprised if you cry too. 

Thank you for this perspective.