I am not the care giving child, that falls on my brother for our father. I live a minimum 5 hours (including a ferry ride) away. It is a good situation, my brother lives in a major Canadian city with quick access to specialized facilities. I only visit a few times a year. I try to help with detailed paper work and other things from afar to the best of my ability. My brother also has $ and health POA, again I am ok with that. Over and over I read here how the primary caregiver is 'told' when a non caregiving sibling visits, what to do with Mum/Dad. It generally seems to create friction and resentment between the siblings. I thought I would share the point of view from the other side. Coming in after being away, I see things that my brother does not see while he is in the day to day care giving mode. So of course I mention them. I am the first to admit I am not very diplomatic, when I see that Dad's fingernails are much too long. So long that they lead to a staph infection, when he scratched his hands. Brother got dad the medical treatment he needed, but did not get his nails cut. I took care of his finger nails. Above is the most recent thing, there have been others in the past. I am not criticizing my brother, his plate is full, but sometimes when we are in the midst of something we do not notice some of the details. They may be small things, but as Dad's long nails did, can lead to life threatening problems. It had been no less than 3 months since they had been cut, likely closer to 4/5 months. He would not let me look at his toes, so I did ask my brother to get a foot care nurse into care for his feet. I guess I just want to give a quiet reminder that those of use who swoop in and criticize, care for the parent too and do not mean to denigrate the great work and sacrifice being made by the caregiver. We are just seeing things from a different perspective. No, we do not deal with the late night trips to ER, the various appointments and day to day grind. Our concern for one minor detail may seem out of proportion to the totality of the caregiver's dedication, but it comes from a place of love and caring.
