I don’t know how to react anymore. At times I lose control of my emotions. It’s just been so long. Caregiver to mom since 2005! Full time! Just me!
Don’t sleep well because of
incontinence issues, having to change her, change sheets, put dry clothes on. Not to mention everything else I do for her all day and night!
Does she sleep in after being awake at 3:00 in the morning? Nope! I have to wake up, fix coffee, cook breakfast. I serve her good meals daily. This morning it was oatmeal.
Was just about to drink my coffee while hot and she asks for toast. Geeeeez! I am a freakin short order kitchen.
I can’t get to the store because I can’t leave her. Hubby forgot to pick up bread. I found raisin bread that I had and toasted that.
Went into her room, like a room service employee and told her that if anything was wrong l didn’t want to hear about it because I was going to drink my lukewarm coffee! Then I deal with my own guilt for snapping at her. How in the world can I remain pleasant? I just can’t.
As most of you know, I am a believer but I have never been a big ‘bible quoter’ like I am reciting out of a law book. There are scriptures that are meaningful to me and there are those that I just don’t get!
I am reminded of a scripture at this time though. Paul in Corinthians speaks of giving with a ‘cheerful heart.’ I realize this scripture refers to tithing, but shouldn’t any giving, service or monetary gifts be done in a cheerful manner? I just don’t have a cheerful manner anymore! I’m too exhausted to be ‘cheerful.’
Sometimes she tried these requests at the nursing home while doing skilled nursing rehab. It depended on which worker was on duty if she got anything extra. When I was in room she expected me to be just as I was at home, waiting on her hand and foot. I helped her but did not do something I found unreasonable! I enjoyed being able to walk away and go home to a peaceful house! I was able to say, “Bye, mom. Love you, see you tomorrow!” It was fantastic! I fully get that it is hard for them to give up their independence. I’m sure I would feel the same way. We have to reach a balance of harmony though. I’m not looking for perfection, just more cooperation is all. She’s not a witch. She shows appreciation but simply doesn’t realize how difficult this is for me and feels that I don’t understand her difficulties. I try so hard to show respect and empathy for her needs.
I purposely did not stay ‘all day’ at the NH! Gotta tell you even though I was concerned about her improving, having my house to myself for those three weeks was pure delight! When did hubby have a freakin business trip? You guessed it. So, I did not get to enjoy time with him.
My husband does travel, some are international trips and those are long trips away from home. Gosh, I wish that I could hop on a plane to China with him!
Okay, let me have it. Just try to show some mercy to me because I have been programmed like this for a very long time! Hahaha. Laugh or cry, right? Or numb, like a machine. These have been my range of emotions.
Also, I beg all of you to pull for me to get Aid and Attendance from veterans as a spouse. Dad did serve during war time in WW11 so please keep your fingers crossed, say prayers, send good wishes, whatever...I have started the process. They say they will expedite the process because of mom’s age. Going on 94 in November. I feel like I am going on 104! I hope things go smoothly. Not sure if mom will qualify financially or medically for assisted living but if not I could at least use the money to hire in home care. Won’t pay for a lot but better than nothing! The max for a spouse is $1209 a month.
Whew! Enough of my ramblings. I just have so much going on in my head and heart. I do love mom with all of my heart. I truly know that she does love me as well. This type of arrangement though, live in, caregiver/elderly parent intensely changes the dynamics of a relationship.
Thanks for listening.