What's your best line?

Webshaf - that's a very useful line that can be used on numerous types of questions, and saves you from having to explain things.

Alz. LO: Why can't I.....?
You: Your guess is as good as mine.

Haha

"Your guess is as good as mine" saved me many times from a frustrating attempt to explain something to my ALZ spouse. He was always satisfied with that response from me. Try it.

Riverdale - so sorry you are feeling depressed. Do you want to create a separate post and tell us about it? Maybe we can help or maybe you can just vent.

Mystery,
Isn't it funny how fast someone changes their tune when he/she get food that isn't made so well! I am sure the blank look on your face said it all!!!

Ikdymom,
When I was a teenager and things didn't go my way. I would complain to my dad and he would say, "I don't know what to tell you" and walked out of the room. It would make me so mad because I would want him to fix whatever was wrong at that moment and I knew 'this conversation' was over! I have forgotten that he use to do this to us kids a lot! It was his way of saying "your not going to get your way." I will have to use this on my mother; by the way, my dad also used it on my mother as well! LOL!

Poofy,
That is a great line...Love it!!

Riverdale,
I am sorry that you are having such a hard time. If it makes you feel any better things have been tough for me too. This to shall pass! Hugs!!!

I like to say when I hear complaints - either: "I'll get right on that!" OR "and your point is?" ( you just keep saying that until they drop the subject regardless of the comment or complaint)

I'm LOVING this post! Thank you polarbear!

My dad likes to throw elaborate pity parties for himself. He's led a great life on a number of levels and I only find it attention-seeking. My sister coddles him. I say, "I'm not the right person for this. I'm RSVP'ing NO to the pity party, but thanks for the invite!"

One more. "Well, that may be...?..." Said in a half statement, half questioning mode so as not to infer agreement or disagreement.

Its not really a line but when my mother entered AL I called myself a geriatric soccer Mom. There were so many errands and then requests from her apartment a number of weren't where she said she thought they were. Now she is in skilled nursing and there is so much to ask about that isn't right. I am so emotionally exhausted. She also has had periods in my life when she wasn't well. I am really depressed.

I found that when my father would be telling me about his latest 'crisis' that saying "I don't know what to tell you" would take the wind out of his sails. He'd want me to jump in and handle it. The problem was he would have another crisis lined up for me the second I fixed the first one. His famous line to me was "I thought you needed something to do". Considering the number of directions I was being pulled it was amazing I didn't take a swing at him for saying that. (and assuming I had nothing else to do)

My line was "The more I help him, the more helpless he acts." SO true.

He would also tell every medical professional he came in contact with "My daughter handles everything". He just abdicated from any responsibility for himself.

JustDaughter - that's a very funny line. I bet the complainer stopped complaining after that.

Speaking of cooking... When I cared for elder at home, she complained about my cooking to the point of telling me it gave her diarrhea (highly doubtful, but extremely hurtful nevertheless). I went to a lot of trouble with the portion controlled, diabetic meals, etc. After her permanent NH placement, elder smiled warmly at me one day and dreamily talked about my cooking and how it was "just perfect" for her compared to the garbage she claimed to get at the NH. It was a thinly-disguised bid to get back on my good side so I'd take her back home to try the whole caregiving disaster again.

I have to admit I did not have a verbal comeback as I was stunned at her nerve. In lieu of a spoken line, I think the blank look on my face said it all!!!

I've used this one before on someone criticizing my cooking - That's fine, dear, let's eat what you cooked.

If my mother complains of my cooking I tell her "if you don't like my cooking then your welcome to cook for yourself!" She then says, "No, this is fine & walks out of the kitchen.

Another one I use if my mother demands me to do something or complains that I didn't clean something I tell her, "I'm sorry! I didn't realize that I work for you--oh wait, I don't. Then I walk out of the room.


Jacob,
I use the "oh?" It does work! I also use if my mother is talking nonstop "Really...you don't say...yup...hummm...oh? Not listening to a word she is saying!!

Scenario #1 Me: "So mom, how did it go when you took the town van to go to your doctor? Did you tell the doctor what was wrong?" Mom: "No, I didn't tell her. I remained silent." Me: "Well, why not, mom? That was a wasted trip and you just spent your last $3.00 on the van ride!!!! I don't understand why you didn't advocate for yourself." (This lead to Scenario #2.)

Scenario # 2 Me: "Mom, you've lost the ability to choose how you will live into your elder years. That choice is now mine and I now have to move in with you from 7 states away. No, you will not be packing my bag to go home!! I had to move in to take care of you and oh, I didn't have any life at all!!" (Insert - I was almost an elder taking on this role myself!)

"I can't do this anymore, Mom".

(Response to mom calling with an "emergency" 3 days in a row, requiring me to leave work and drive across several boroughs of NYC to Westchester; an hour each way.)

Scenario: parent complains, again, about some issue.
Reply: what do you want me to do about it?

Put the ball back in their court, let them decide if it is really an issue or just a reason to complain.

Haha, that "Oh?"reply is funny and clever. I think I might borrow it sometimes, jacobsonbob.

Garylee, your line is funny and useful in difussing anger. Are you a Star Trek fan? I am.

When I am in the middle of doing something that I feel is important and my wife yells for me, then again if I'm not there within a minute or so. "I sorry I can't transport myself. That's not one of my many super powers"

I used to know a older man (but who didn't have any mental issues) who would sometimes answer comments with "Oh?" which left the other person trying to think of something else to say to prevent the conversation from ending right there. It occurred to me that THIS might be a great tool if an elder (or anyone else) complains:

Parent: "You're don't do everything I ask you to do, when I want it done!"

CG: "Oh?" [pronounced with the voice going down and then up, like the "third tone" in Mandarin Chinese]

Parent: !!???....

[I'm laughing as I type this!]

My father, before he passed and was in the grip of ALZ,, used to tell everyone,, when he didn;t get something., " I did not know that"... it is still useful to us today! And then the other person is,,,, sort of stuck, not knowing if we are being sarcastic or truthful...

The lines I used the most were:

"No, I won't do that, you are independent." (Then I would laugh)

"Your rights are not more important than mine so no"

"Why don't you call your family that loves you since I am so mean."

"If you do not like rules, in my house, please feel free to move to a nursing home"

Often used when a high maintenance relative asks me about various family issues, “beats me” It’s quick and never implies that I’m going to do anything at all.
For frequent use on AC, from a social worker friend “events will happen that will make the decisions for you”

I absolutely love this post! I think we give sound advice often best with a bit of humor. I think we can make people think best when we can at least give them the benefit of a smile before they have to go all puzzled again.

Mysteryshopper, love your lines. You sound like an expert at stopping complainers cold in their tracks

I love the "she who sweeps the floor picks the broom"

It's a clever line to use on those know-it-all non helpers who tell us how to do our work.

I also want to add to that line:

"If you want to pick the broom, YOU can sweep the floor."

Polar Bear, I agree that is a great line from Countrymouse, who always has good advice. I like to tell OPs that they are "enabling" their elders by DOING everything at the same time they complain they "have to do everything". Why would they do anything about their situations when you will do it all?

Love those lines, everyone.

Here is one I read yesterday. It's for an OP who feels trapped and exhausted helping her mother who is mentally competent. Courtesy of Country Mouse:

"Stop volunteering"

Sometimes we think we're forced into doing things but it is us who obligate ourselves.

"Not everything can be fixed".

"We are humans, not Saints; therefore we DO have limitations"

"You are not feeling guilt. Guilt is for felons. You are feeling GRIEF"

"I am sorry; I couldn't possibly do that" (I attribute to Ahmijoy, though Cwillie tells me that we universally use that one on Forum.)

"That's interesting. Where did you hear THAT?"

(This tends to stop complaints as well because they can't remember where they heard it, can't remember *if* they ever heard it, don't want to tell where they heard it, or they made the whole thing up.)

Sometimes I follow it with my other line I posted: "I'll have to see what I can find out about that."

No is a complete sentence.
I can’t possibly do that.
I already have a full time job and it’s not as a health care aide.

"She who sweeps the floor, picks the broom."

Oh I like this one metoo! One of my biggest pet peeves with my mom is when she asks for help she wants it HER WAY ONLY, even if it makes no sense. My mom's executive functioning continues to worsen and I know it's only a matter of time before she starts screwing up her bills. So far she gets it done, but struggles because she INSISTS on using an outdated computer program, that is actually more suited to running a business than someone who has to send 5 checks a month. This was fine 35 years ago but now with dementia the program/passwords/old laptop this thing runs on, it's all a mess. About 6 months ago I told her I would no longer deal with the outdated program that barely works and her never ending password problem, and IF and when she needed my help, I would be happy to hand write checks for her and balance her check book. Her response NOOOOOO I WANT MY QUICKEN! Get's mad. Discussion over.

Well, when she can no longer do it and the bank starts calling etc- I am going to use your exact line!!

Especially as POA I plan to open a separate LOCAL bank account and have regular paper statements, and a I will be doing her bills the old fashioned way so I have a paper record of every cent spent and where.

I don't really have any good lines to share :( But I'm very thankful for the one you shared.