What would you do if you no longer had to care for your loved one?

Go back to work and try to resume my life prior to caregiving, learning how to de-stress from years of being on edge. I do wish I could afford a month off and go away where I was free of any responsibilities except to try and recharge my battery and process through the emotions to start from a healthier mindset.

I no longer am a caregiver, or an employee, or a wife.

I have no idea what to do.

I sit online a lot and try to help people on AgingCare. Seriously, without the internet I think I'd go insane.
I've tried to figure out what real people actually DO in retirement, contrary to all the advice columns I can't afford to travel the world and I'd much rather work for pay than volunteer, but of course I can't find a job that wouldn't be more physically and/or mentally difficult than I'm currently willing to commit to.

Very good question. I've thought about this a lot, knowing that eventually that time would come. Now that it has, I'm thinking more about how to integrate it into handling the trust issues, fixing the house up for sale and moving on.

I used to teach quilting, sewing and crochet, and would like to get back to that, but only during the day. What I also want to do is expand it into a healing program for Veterans. Quilting is very relaxing, and can be absorbing, and I was thinking it could help Vets in conflict after in-country service. I've been thinking about this for a few years now.

Sometimes things happen in strange ways. I picked up a VFW magazine in the lobby of the SNF on the day I last visited my father. One article addressed Veterans struggling to live with inadequate food; it's really and truly a crisis.

Well, I have a garden of about 6K square feet, and I can easily add more veggies. So I'm thinking now about how to connect not just with the VA but with Vets in need. I know there are some privacy issues, so I have much more research to do. I may contact one of the local food pantries and find out if any have programs specifically for Vets.

And, something for myself... I've always wanted to continue ballet. Even pushing 74 I want to take classes. I've found a woman who teaches ballet to older women, including those in my age range. So getting in shape for ballet is one of my prime goals. If I lose motivation, I take out a pair of pointe shoes given to me by a friend, and just caress them. It's a potent reminder of my goal.

Thanks for posting such a relevant question, and allowing us to share our dreams of post-caregiving life.

Jeannegibbs - you are one of the best voices on this forum. Encouraging, supportive and with all of your experience - full of very useful and practical advice.

GardenArtist, you made me think of one thing I have always wanted to do -- learn to play the flute. I encouraged my daughter to play the flute in music class when she was in elementary school (for a reason!). I kept her flute (got rid of my son's trumpet!). I am not musically inclined, but I love the flute.

Also, a friend where I used to work does quilting. Her mother was also a quilter and would get together with neighborhood ladies at her house to do that. After my friend's mother died last year, my friend still gets together with her mom's friends on weekends and quilts with them (at her mom's house in another state). She also embroidered her Mom's favorite saying and incorporates that in every quilt. My friend said there is sense of peace at her Mom's house.

How about making lap quilts for the veterans in wheelchairs?

cwillie, what about a receptionist job at a hospital? I see many older people at the registration desk at a local hospital where I live (Maryland). Or at a church? (I have thought of that...) Also, a neighbor of my Mom's took a job as a receptionist at a funeral home. I don't know if I'd like that, but....

I love everyone's replies!

I thought about this and the stress I was under trying to care for my mom from another country while I had a job and a family! Once she was gone, I realized I still looked to call her, I was still on edge wanting to know how she was doing and realizing I didn’t have to be this way anymore was difficult. Right now after she passed and the grieving period has subsided, I’m back at the gym and eating healthier, still working, and now focusing on getting her estate figured out. When the estate crap is done (there is so much work, faxing, calls) then maybe I’ll feel like I won’t know what to do with myself!

jeannegibbs, You ARE doing something. You are having a profound impact on others on this site.

I didn't submit my question with the idea of giving people suggestions of how they could spend their time (obviously I don't know what others enjoy doing), but I makes me want to throw ideas out that I have thought of for myself....

I often thought of being a baby cuddler. There are Cuddler Programs for premature at babies local hospitals.

There is a neighborhood website called Nextdoor in my area (maybe in yours, too). Someone inquired if there was anyone interested in starting a hiking group. That is something I would like to look into when I have the time.

GA- that is great about the Vets. We too grow extra veggies to donate to the food pantry.
I think for me, I would be doing the same things I do now, only with an empty spot next to me.

Baby cuddling sounds so sweet and such a wonderful thing to do.
Mapotter- keep the ideas coming, you are throwing a lot of good ideas out there.

This has been great for the ladies here but, what about the men taking care of their spouse.
I would spend some time at our shooting sports park. Maybe find a fishing hole to linger about.
Try to finish some projects around the house.
Do some more crocheting with para cord.
Continue to be on here trying to offer assistance to those starting their journey where I have been.
Look for personal improvement classes. like basic sewing and cooking.

I would volunteer a few days a week and I would get out my artist materials and paint a few hours a day! I would take my life back and feel wonderful again. It’s been 7 yrs of caring and I am struggling to get through the days I care for my 92 yr old mother. She is getting less and less independent, but she is still good mentally and getting her into asst living at this point would be impossible.

I'm no longer caring for my elderly parents - dad's been gone 5 years, mom will be gone 2 years this July. The first year after Mom passed, I just kind of floated through life, as her passing was kind of traumatic and brought up a lot of old issues I thought I'd dealt with.

Starting in June the year after Mom's passing, things changed. My daughter and her kids moved out and into their own home (she'd been living with me for a year). I made several long trips for family-related things -son's graduation from high school in another state, taking Mom's ashes to where she wanted us to put them, a trip many states long to my son's military graduation, and then to drive him back to his home and attend his graduation party. Two months later, another long trip with family. It really helped put things in perspective about how free I was to come and go and do things I wanted to do. This year, my focus is more on building my business and expanding it to its full potential, which means higher income for me, which means more ability to travel and do the things I want to do, including helping others. :-)

I do find that aside from the travel, I've become a bit of a hermit. I love just being home, alone with my cat and dog. I enjoy company, travel and spending time with family, but I really do love to get back home to my peace and quiet. So many years of caring for others (kids, spouse, parents, etc) - my whole adult life - and I'm thankful to have time to myself now. And that's exactly what I wished for the whole time I was caregiving. I don't really find myself feeling lonely or longing for company very often. I see my daughter and grandkids every week, and talk to family online or on the phone. For now, that works for me.

I became shockingly protective of my free time. And got even fatter.

Really, there’s no excuse now.

But man did I crash, once I was able to abandon “performance mode.”

The sh*t we learn about ourselves. And others!

Take a deep breath and exhale because I have not done that for 5 years since I began care giving for mom, not knowing what that would feel like. Become very selfish to a degree and sleep and sit in a room with no noise of TV, radio, music and know what solitude was like. Leave all those family members who didn't care and who reared their ugliness in the dust and to have no further contact with them would be priceless.

To be in a place where you can reclaim any part of your life and friends, and know that you did your best for the person who was the best; your mom.

I would like to be able to get out of state. I miss the Northeast. I miss the Atlantic coast. I would like to get in my car and drive without having to worry about what time/day I need to be back. I still want to work, but my current (Mom's) location is sort of a wasteland for anything other than fast food or retail jobs. I would like to be able to pursue a job without regard to its distance from Mom's zip code. I also would like to have more time for volunteer work. Baby cuddler sounds wonderful!

MaPotter, go for it! Get flute lessons, or try to teach yourself. (I wasn't very successful in teaching myself guitar, but at that particular time I wasn't that dedicated to it.)

I really like the idea of your friend's addition of her mother's favorite saying in her quilts.

You've offered some good suggestions - lap quilts for Vets. I've been thinking about seat quilts as well. I noted that some SNFs don't even have pads for wheelchairs, and those chairs are NOT comfortable.

Another thing I've considered is painting flowers and other decorations on walker legs. I met someone on a DIY forum who did this; she said she couldn't keep enough walkers painted to meet the demand. I thought also of the addition of artificial flowers along the front bar to make the walker more like a device of beauty instead of a piece of durable medical equipment.

And go for the hiking. That's something I want to do as well. PM me if you want a link to a great backpacker's forum

OldSailor, do you do any woodworking? Building? I'm curious about crocheting with paracord. Can you elaborate? What kinds of items do you crochet? Have you thought about teaching a class to other men? That would really be unique!

As to basic sewing, I used to teach it through community ed courses, but the room already had sewing machines, so it was much easier than schools which aren't equipped with the machines.

On food courses, do you have any natural health oriented hospitals that have cooking courses? In our area, Henry Ford Health System is a leader in natural foods and natural healing. It has a greenhouse on its suburban campus in which it grows organic produce which is used for the hospital meals and also sold at a weekly farmer's market in the hospital office building.

I've gotten ideas from everyone else who's posted here. This is a thread to which I'll refer as I move forward in my own journey.

OH, I forgot to add, I've started doing some volunteer work for the local animal shelter, too - when they need me. I love it. :-)

Great posts!

GardenArtist, I did make a lap blanket out of fleece for my sister. It was very warm and fit her wheelchair perfectly. And, it was easy. I have thought of doing that as well.

The other thing that I like doing is taking workshops. Sometimes classes take too much of a commitment. So, you can spend a few hours on a Saturday learning something new. I am the type who likes to learn about a lot of things. (I am the jack of all trades, master of none!) I have taken a pottery workshop (and continued to do pottery off and on for a few years at a time). I have also taken a jewelry class and a glass fusion class. Loved the glass fusion! I would like to try that again.

Also, check out local colleges. They have classes for seniors. Where I used to work (a public university), it is called Lifelong Learning.

MaPotter, does the fleece maintain its fluffiness after being sat upon? That's a great idea; fleece is so cozy and comfortable.

What is glass fusion? Is it anything like blowing glass to form those beautiful objects seen in demonstrations?

I do plan to take a photography class this summer. The most beautiful photos I've seen are taken by people with elaborate and professional systems, but I want to learn the techniques, especially for something like "stacking".

If I don't stop making plans though, I'll never get the trust and estate managed properly!

GuardenArtist, I do some wood working. Not so much anymore.
I have crocheted a few water bottle carriers. Sort of his and hers. I am working on a military canteen carrier. All of the above have long straps so I can throw them over my shoulder and walk more freely. I have made some coasters and given them to people.
They are good practice.
I built shelves for the garage, steps for my under tall wife to help her get into the bed, step-in tub, and the vehicle.
I want to make some more out doors type stuff for hiking, camping, hunting, etc of paracord.
I haven't been doing much since wife came down with FTD and such. I really need to get back into it more instead of sitting around and worrying.
As for sewing, my goal is to make a good vest from something and a gun case from naugahyde(sp).
One or two of the hospitals have had cooking classes but it was for foods we no longer eat. I do have a collection of recipes that we do eat. Tonite I made a chicken and broccoli casserole with a cream sauce. Not bad.

Nice to read all these posts . Like maybe there is life out there.....

My mom died last week and dad is failing pretty quickly. I’ve been in WV dealing with it all.

I’ve missed the freedom to travel. Even week end trips can be hard. Phone rings......OMG ....What now.........

And my music. My second job was as a musician for many years. I’ve hardly touched my guitar in months. I keep it on its stand in the living room thinking Ill grab it and get going again.

It will be easier now with just Dad to worry about but his dementia is worsening by the week. I’m hoping to move him to memory care this week.  I’ll be in for some rough sledding with him soon.

Old Sailor, you certainly have a lot of interests. But I do understand that it's difficult to enjoy them when caregiving obligations increase. Maybe you can just make plans - dreaming has been very helpful and liberating for me.

If you decide to make that gun case, I'd be interested in how you do it - preparing the naugahyde, cutting it, sewing it...generally working with it overall. I need to replace some gun cases and was planning to just buy them. I sew, but I don't have an industrial machine to handle tough fabrics.

So you're a hiker and camper - whereabouts have you hiked?

And BTW, I'll be glad to sample your chicken with broccoli!



Windy, hang in there.

GardenArtist, the fleece blankets are actually lapghans. My sister has a gel seat on her chair (she has MS, along with scoliosis and osteoporosis...(bad situation)). The blanket covers her legs and she can tuck it in on the sides. The trick was to get the right size.

Glass fusion is where you cut glass like you do with stained glass. In this case, it was for a small square dish. So, you cut the glass and layout a design. Then the studio takes it and puts it in a kiln and fires it (I think it was twice) -- one was placed on a mold. The glass fuses together. I will PM you a picture of what I did (if I can attach a picture).

I forgot... I also took a weaving class and made a scarf.

OldSalior, I love woodworking, too. I took a class years ago, and made a stool. (I always give my stuff away!) A friend of mine goes to week-long classes in other states where he makes all kinds of things from chairs to wooden bowls.

Windyridge, hugs to you. Maybe you can play the guitar as therapy while taking care of your dad. Music is supposed to be good and soothing for dementia patients. My brother used to play the guitar (when he was little he started to teach me). Now, he is leaving it to me to sell his guitar when he passes... :-/

MaPotter, what a great idea for Windy to play his guitar for his parents, and the other residents!

I used to play piano for my father but haven't practiced in so long that I can't play proficiently. Dad asked me to play at his last home away from home, but I tried practicing and really needed to spend much more time before I made a fool of myself.
I also discovered that the arthritis in my left hand prevented it and my right hand from working together! My left hand was moving at a different speed than my right.

And that facility had 2 baby grand pianos. Sigh... Everytime I went by them I wanted to sit down and play, but knew that I couldn't so do with any level of proficiency.

I am just starting to figure out what I would like to do with the extra time and energy I now have after my Mom recently passed away, quickly and early one morning, just before the sunrise. A loving and familiar caregiver was with her for her last few hours, and though it seemed my Mom was restless and had some nausea, it does sound like she had no idea she was in her final hours and was even able to walk from her bedroom to her favorite rocking chair in the living room just an hour or two before she passed, sitting in her chair and appearing to fall asleep.

I'm greatful that she seemed to have no distress, no long hospitalization, and no idea really that she was dying. Maybe this is an end that comes mostly with heart problems, as she did have recurring afib. This sudden end did come after a decade or more of slow and difficult decline, so I expected her to actually also have a long drawn out death.

So, to me now there is much relief, enough energy left to pull my own life back together in the most basic areas - clean the house, the yard, get the cats to the vet, get my own health needs seen to better. And then, with whatever is left of my life, begin to have some "leisure time" again. Love to all who are still dealing with the challenge of a declining elderly parent. And to those who are now free to destress and enjoy their families and renewed time with interests, without the chronic worry that being a family caregiver can bring.

Great post, Michlaz. Sorry for your loss. Hugs. As I watch my Mom decline, I keep hoping she goes quietly in her sleep....

Michlaz, that's a nice way to pass, peacefully and in her sleep and without apparent stress. I hope that helps you as you move forward in your own life. And I offer my condolences to your loss as well. I'm glad you'll be able to have good memories of her last hours.

Thanks for reminding me that participating in AgingCare is doing something, Kimber166 and Mapotter. I appreciate that. I do consider trying to help caregivers a hobby!

I'm impressed that so many of you do or plan to do volunteering. At one point I thought I might, but I have concluded that devoting 10 years of my life to caring for another person earns me a pass. I guess AC is my volunteering.

Never doubt yourself Jeanne. I've found you to be a wise soul and you are helping many.

I've spent a lot of time on here since my Mom died too. Still don't know where the rest of my life path is heading but I'm sure it will happen when it's supposed to. At least I hope so.

I ask myself that a lot. I care for my dad and I’m alone. I have family, but I don’t have a family. I’m totally isolated. I tell myself my future is in God’s hands cause honestly I don’t know.