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So often I see posts that start "how do I stop feeling guilty"---and it hits me in the gut that so many of us are being held in place by 'guilt' or perceived 'guilt' when what we really feel is, what? Sadness at not being able to fix everything? Depression b/c we have to be 'tough' with cranky, sick seniors? Frustration b/c we can't change the inevitable?


Yesterday my SIL, Dr. Joe said "Man, I feel so guilty all the time. I just do not have enough hours in the day to care for my patients the way I want to."


This is a guy who works 10 hrs a day at the hospital, then another 4-6 at home, re-reading charts and making personal patient phone calls. He's the super doctor you hear about but don't believe exists. He has NOTHING about which to feel guilty!


I asked him why 'guilty' was the word he chose, when in fact, he is the LEAST guilty person I know. I said "Joe, GUILT isn't what you're feeling! What other words really describes how you feel as regards your patient care? Guilt will eat you up!"


We ended up having a really good conversation about how much he wants to make a difference in the world (and believe me, he IS) but he's impatient with the hospital and the rules, etc. We talked about the negativity of the feeling of guilty--we aren't saints and we aren't perfect, but we also aren't therefore guilty of anything--unless we've done something wrong. I asked him specifically about the patient he went to visit late the night of Thanksgiving. She was being a total pain to the nurses, they called him, he talked to this woman, and got nowhere. So he got up (about 11:30 pm) dressed and went back to the hospital where he spent a couple of hours talking to her about her need to be compliant in ALL THINGS or she could not be listed for a Liver Transplant. Upshot? She said "so what's the worst thing that will happen if I put off these tests for a few weeks?" He said, "Well, you are going to die." She wouldn't talk to him after that, so he went home, discouraged an no doubt feeling 'guilty'. She died the next day.


He brought that up and I said "Hon, you HAVE to let go of that. She was in fulminant liver failure and even IF you'd had an appropriate match on FRIDAY she wouldn't have been in line. YOU aren't GUILTY b/c she died. 50 years of solid alcoholism did that."


I guess he's never thought of that, really.


I totally get where he's coming from. And he has truly sick people he cares for. If you're seeing HIM, you're sick. You're actually probably dying. So the 'guilt' of not being able to save every patient is simply not possible.


Same with those of us who are caring for LO's. We do the best we can, yet the 'G' word creeps into our vocab. I've done stupid or even truly 'bad' things and for those I will save the word 'guilty'. I'm going to try to eliminate it from my vocab--and my SIL will continue this discussion another day, I'm sure.


Sorry for the overlong post. I spent a lovely Sunday with my daughter and her family & I so dearly love this SIL.


So--what words can we replace 'guilt' with?

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So we are given the care of our lo and it's not always under the best circumstances. Yes, it takes it’s toll physically, emotionally and mentally on the caregiver and spouse. My Mom try’s to tell me often how much she appreciates what I do for her. And it helps. She knows, she cared for her Mother until 2012. I guess we need to give in sometimes, have a good cry and let out the feelings, fear, anger, frustration, sorrow. My friends, we know there will be a time to grieve, but just for today lets feel what needs to be felt, and discard it, for soon enough something new will need our attention.
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Sometimes when my Mom gets worse.....I wonder if I should have just focused on furthering my career, insteading of spending all my free time and money, caring for my Mom.
I hate it when that thought comes to my head. It makes me feel selfish and awful. And guilty. I wish I could eliminate that thought
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Frustrated! Or maybe powerless, because we are not real superheroes. What about "Human" Yes, I like that "HUMAN!"
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I think we want to believe that we have more power and control over what happens in our lives than we really do.
In caring for elders, no matter how well we do the job and how hard we work...our loved one will decline....that is inevitable.

Instead of guilt - frustration feels right to me - that I can't change or fix something that is not working.

If I use the word 'guilt', then I am placing the problem inside of me. It's not.
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I think "guilt" is often a catch-all word for evaluating ourselves when things go wrong and we somehow feel we could have made them better. It's different in different cases.

Maybe there is actually nothing we could have done differently. Possibly nobody could have. Logical people, on hindsight, realize when such is the case.

Regret is a good word. Maybe we could have done something different, and supposedly better, but didn't know what or how at the time. (I've actually apologized to a departed loved-one in such a case, silly as it sounds, but somehow it made me feel better.)

Maybe our work/family/health situation or state of mind, beyond our control, actually prevented us from doing what might have been better. And that's assuming we KNOW what would have been better...could we really predict everything? It's like "Monday-morning-quarterbacking" ourselves.

For some people "guilt" is simply a learned response, a FEELING they are taught to experience from an early age. This is likely to follow a person for a life-time and may take professional counseling to ease.

In any case, what's over is over. Sometimes we are actually more forgiving of others than we are of ourselves. We should not expect perfection of others nor of ourselves.
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I'd say obligated.
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Midkid58: Imho, do not use ANY word with negative connotations. Why would you want to beat yourself up when a.) you've gone out of your way to be a caregiver, b.) you had to move out of state to provide care for your parent (true that in my case), c.) you're an elder yourself providing care for your LO and the list goes on? Use an uplifting word and not anything perceived to be a lamentation.
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Sadness at not being able to fix everything?

Perhaps he's frustrated that he doesn't have a large enough/strong enough team to address patients' needs to the extent he would like.

Depression b/c we have to be 'tough' with cranky, sick seniors?

Perhaps he's feeling demoralized or unappreciated because the people he's working to assist are in too much pain and discomfort to offer him encouragement, support, and gratitude.

Frustration b/c we can't change the inevitable?

Perhaps frustration that the science isn't at the point where he can enable his patients to return to a quality of life that would bring them joy and fulfillment again.

He could also be feeling a form of survivor's guilt that he has the capacity to return to his home, to his loved ones, when his patients are struggling.

I hope he knows that it's okay to die. I hope he knows how to discern when it's okay to focus on the peace of the person passing, and when it's okay to shift from "health care" to "compassion care." I hope he's able to find peace at the end of each day. I hope he's able to hold those patients in his heart, and in the hands of the universe, or their loved ones. And I hope he realized that the care he provides is outstanding, and makes a true difference in the lives of others. His work matters; he matters; his own health matters, and his patients are more grateful than they are capable of verbalizing.
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I'll take this time to remind us all to take care of ourselves, because if we don't do that, we can't take care of anyone else.

You know-- put your oxygen mask on first and then help your child.

We all feel some feeling (guilt, sadness, responsibility, grief), and really we are all doing ENOUGH.

I am the only sibling of three who lives close enough and is capable of making sure our mother is okay. I'm doing enough.

That doesn't resolve the sadness and worry; but I do try to take care of myself. So that I can take care of mom. (And she is in a very nice facility and has lots of help.)
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It is hard for people with high personal morals and values NOT to feel guilty when they realize they can't do the impossible and so they feel guilty or ashamed. This is not true (I am a perfect example of this.) It took me years to realize I was not guilty - I was a mere human being with limitations as to what I could perform although I wanted to accomplish so much more but couldn't. The word is NOT ... 'guilty' - the word is SADNESS. You are NOT guilty - you did all you can but you are sad for what you could not do.
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RESPONSIBLE
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As to your request for a word to replace "guilt", I propose "compassionate".
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Perhaps call the guilt - an adventure of inner exploration.
Some models say to consider "curiosity" - as a way to move in and thru.
I feel horrible at how I treated / responded to my mother decades ago (at various times). We do the best we can in the moment. We are (I was) wounded and hurt and reacted accordingly, like a child needing her mother . . . which I did (need). I had to learn to be-come my own mother, loving myself unconditionally. It definitely was a long process that started with a moment of awareness.
Gena / Touch Matters
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Interesting question.
I believe it has to do with:
1) parental messaging from being born to the first five years of life (and definitely the first two years when imprinting happens).
2) Low self-esteem (due to #1)
3) Needing to 'sit' with the feelings and follow them (Focusing technique). I studied / led people on inner journeys using this method).
4) Sitting with it and seeing what is underneath.
5) # 4, first ask: what is underneath this feeling?
6) Feelings transform if we are present with them and allow them to 'tell us' / 'talk to us' - they will tell us what we need to know.
7) Awareness to shift automatic associations with what we feel by taking the time to be with the feelings, then re-name without the judgment attached. For instance, if I were feeling guilty, I would say (to myself) "I did the best I could in that moment" and shift to self-compassion.
8) It is a continuum. The first step is being aware and learning to feel self-compassion, re-programing our self , our responses. Guilt and our associations with our behavior is like mercury. (or is it . . . ) No, it is more like a magnet. It wants to stay together - any change in our awareness, consciousness, desires / decisions takes a lot of conscious work to 'pull it apart'
IMPORTANT (to me !) I realized at one point that some feelings I had 'were not allowed to be expressed' so I immediately associated them as negative. However, as I explored my feelings, by honoring them and the information they were telling me, I realized that all my feelings are not only valid, they provide me needed information to grow - by healing - and to become the person I want to be. It is an ongoing process (for me).

Gena / Touch Matters
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I think what we feel is ‘responsibility’. Too often we feel like we are the only one who can, or will, do what needs to be done. We have cared for my mother and my father-in-law in our home… the sense of responsibility can be overwhelming. You can easily morph the word to ‘guilt’ whenever you feel like you haven’t fully met the responsibility. BEFORE it gets overwhelming, look for ways to alter the responsibility, even a little. Maybe it means getting help for an hour a day or for one afternoon a week. Maybe it’s using more prepared foods to ease your food prep time. Maybe it’s freshening up your ailing person’s room with a new blanket so it’s more cheerful for them. Or maybe it’s talking to someone who helps you realize you are providing all the care necessary but can’t make them be happy.
Responsibility can feel positive; guilt feels negative. When you feel guilt, remind yourself how well you are handling the responsibility.
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I know I am doing the very best that I can, but I can't think of any other word to replace guilt. I feel guilty about being selfish, about not being patient enough at times, for being so frustrated, for getting angry. Especially for not being able to remember what it felt like to have a husband who was caring and warm and funny before he got sick, because he's been sick for such a long time. We all need lots of bear hugs.
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I believe that what most of us label as "guilt" is simply grief.
Those who teach us about mourning tell us that we often subconsciously use the word guilt which implies something could have been done. It might have gone differently. In most cases there is not a lot that can be done, and the endings of some situations such as this are inevitable. But to recognize it is GRIEF takes it completely out of our control, suggests we could fix it, and if it happens again there is something we can do to prevent it.
Grief recognizes that we have lost something/someone. That there is nothing to do now but "walk through the shadow..." with whatever support we can find to cling on to until we heal.
So my replacement word is GRIEF.
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Helpless. I want to do more, but I can't. I want to help make her happy, but I can't. I want to give her hope, but I can't.
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I feel rotten, sometimes shocked, sad, scared & disappointed. I am grieving for my mom & how we used to have so much fun. Hard as I try, there’s no more fun. That makes me feel heart-broken. No matter how often I hear ‘you’ve got a lot on your plate’ my inner voice wants to yell ‘no I don’t’. I always feel I could do more but I am emotionally exhasted. So I drink🍷 and try to cut myself some slack. Thank God I have a loving, thoughtful, generous & funny (he always makes me laugh) husband
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Thank you for this!
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Helpless might better describe what the good doctor feels.
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When we don't live up to our own expectations of behavior and caring I think the better word is conflicted. We're only human and we should give ourselves a little grace, but that's hard to do when we're being buffeted about by circumstances and honest emotions. Whatever I'm doing, I feel a pull to be doing something else.
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I believe I feel a constant GRIEF over the many losses I revisit after stepping in to manage my mother’s care. Although my mother tried hard all her life to impose shame and guilt on the family, shifting her own failures in life onto the world playing the ultimate victim. I sometimes feel society also loves to point the finger of blame - it’s ingrained in our culture to always have a guilty party when something (often beyond anyone’s control such as aging, illness and death) doesn’t happen as we wish.

I have worked hard to grieve in a healthy manner. Thank you for asking this question and letting me sound off!
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I feel guilty because I could do more, but then I would be miserable and I'd like to enjoy what I have left of my life before I wind up like my mom.

I feel guilty now and I'll feel guilty after she dies, but I would feel worse if I moved her into my home and took care of her when I'm off and paid caregivers while at work and went broke.

I think trapped is a better word for me, but all of these responses are great. Thanks for the original post. Very helpful, making me think about what is really going on and whether it is really guilt and if I'm doing the right thing.
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Words, or choice of words, does not change the feeling. And guilt ... or hyper responsibility and unwarranted obligation ... are the closest I can come to the "feeling". It's a very human emotion and does not change whatever you call it.
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"SAD, Frustrated, worried, disappointed."
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I feel sadness, not guilt, at losing my dear husband moments at a time. He has dementia and when I remember how he once was, which shows itself every once in a while, probably more than that, I feel longing for once was. I am going to refuse to feel guilt.
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I think that as family members we feel a sense of obligation to do all we can for family, especially for our elderly, ailing LOs. Sometimes it’s convenient and rather easy, but often it’s most inconvenient and burdensome. That doesn’t keep us from doing what must be done, but it certainly adds stress to an already complicated situation. We feel guilt when we don’t attain self imposed goals. One can only do what one can do given the particular situation. Creating unattainable goals merely sets us up for disappointment and feelings of failure. Self care is crucial and must also be a priority! We must assess our situation often (as it’s ever changing), develop a realistic plan, and work to make it a reality with grace and love in our hearts. Our LOs know at some level that we ARE there and we DO care-irregardless if anyone should lose their temper in a given moment or say something inappropriate at some point. Ask for forgiveness should you have a weak moment and extend forgiveness knowing our LO, esp. those experiencing dementia or AZ, have many more weak moments than strong ones. Dealing with the situation is tough on us, but be thankful you’re not walking in their shoes! Treat folks as you’d wish to be treated and know you’re doing a beautiful thing! God bless-
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I think failure might be a substitute for guilty. We can't fix our loved one, no matter what we say or do. I sometimes thought maybe I should have paid less attention to my mom and stepmom, and I would have noticed his decline sooner.
But, I didn't, and it is what it is.
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This is a great topic, because if we get past guilt as a catch-all, we can articulate our feelings and better communicate.

So many posts are about the struggle to balance dynamically changing and increasing elder care with personal and family needs against a backdrop of family members, who are varying levels of support or pain or absence.

When I read these posts, I see “guilt” as the melting pot for frustration, helplessness, conflicted emotions, ambivalence/uncertainty. I think guilt comes with (from?) resentment, but resentment might be self-preservation in disguise - at least it makes it bubble to the surface.

Unfortunately, as you wrote, guilt implies self-imposed blame when the caregivers here are just trying to survive (never mind thrive) in a strange new world of aged and dying.
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