As is my tradition, I bought my mom her flowers for her front yard garden and houseplants. What was different this Mother's Day is that I was able to kiss her. Its weird to say but we have a dysfunctional relationship. When younger I never focused on myself and I somehow blocked things that were hurting me. Lately Ive been burnt out and resentful of the abuse and manifpulation all my life and looking at those outcomes and trying to get a hold on how these feelings affect me as my mother gets older and frailer and more dependent. Ive felt like Ive always taken care of her since I can remember. Ive resented what I didnt have in a mother and all the demands past treatment has been eating me up. But today I was blessed to see my mother with my loving eyes and again realize no matter how bad is is or has been. I will always love her. And keep showing it no matter how I get treated or whether or not she knows it. Next week I'll be back frustrated and crying. I did the same Ive always done but as I get older and lick my wounds from abuse and manifpulation and being taken for granted. I look at where we are me, my motheer and my sister and its sad. And part is how we were raised we were often pitted against each other. If we got close I was turning my sisteragainst her. My sister does much of nothing. I never looked at it until she got on her horse and stated that she does all and I do nothing and tried to tear up my character in front of people doing an intake with my mom. I know my mother did the best she could with what she had and even though Im resentful. I saw her with loving eyes and realized how much I would miss what I do have if she was gone.

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Loving someone is a gift you give to yourself. I'm glad you got to feel it. Maybe it will happen again. Hugs.

Nods.... how wonderful you had that little window open....
truly, I get it .
(happened a few weeks ago with my father- I realized I just couldnt help loving the #@% guy and gave him a tight squeeze)

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